A famous TikTok hospice nurse has revealed how a supernatural experience finally cured her crippling fear of death – and convinced her beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is an afterlife.
Penny Smith, who has more than 870,000 followers on the platform, admits she suffered from extreme fear of death for most of her 62 years.
“I thought about it all the time,” she says. ‘You could even say obsessive. I worried about death day and night, usually at night, when I lay awake seeking comfort from my then-husband.
“But what if after we die there is nothing left?” I would cry in fear.”
Smith, a recovering alcoholic, did not begin her nursing career until age 42, after what she describes as a “dark past” that included drug addiction, abuse and multiple suicide attempts.
And in her book Influencing Death: Reimagining Dying for a Better Lifeshe says her accident led to a morbid fascination with ending her life.
“My fear of death didn’t manifest itself until I was in my 30s,” she writes. “To be honest, from my early teens until well into my twenties, I wasn’t afraid of death at all. I welcomed the thought of it.
“Between the bullying, the drug and alcohol problems, mental health issues, and my tendency to find men who abused me and the inability to leave them, I have tried several times to ‘not let myself live.’
Penny Smith, who has more than 870,000 followers on the platform, admits she suffered from extreme fear of death for most of her 62 years
“Unalive,” she explains, is the social media term used for suicide, to avoid having your video banned for dangerous content.
However, her first encounter with death occurred much earlier: when she was only nine years old.
“Grandpa died,” my mother told me and my sister. “What does that mean?” one of us asked.
“It’s like he went to sleep and won’t wake up,” she told us.”
The answer left her both shocked and fascinated. She barely knew her grandfather; she had only met him once, so she did not mourn him. But the possibility that someone could fall asleep and never wake up consumed her.
“I’m pretty sure my mother’s reluctance to discuss death beyond the ‘sleep forever’ statement ultimately caused me to suffer from an overwhelming fear of dying,” she says.
Ultimately, it was through her work as a hospice nurse – thinking and talking about death to hundreds of grieving families – that she finally healed.
“As strange as it sounds, it was that feeling of being connected to death… that relieved my mind of the fear that had once paralyzed me whenever the subject of dying occupied my mind.”
And although she is not religious, she believes that one phenomenon among dying people proves that there is something beyond our lives here on earth.
Smith only started her career as a nurse at the age of 42, after what she describes as a ‘dark past’
She believes one phenomenon among dying people proves there is something beyond our lives here on Earth (stock image)
Smith – a recovering alcoholic – didn’t start her nursing career until she was 42 (photo with husband Randy)
Deathbed visions fall under the umbrella term she describes as “woo-woo stuff.”
“It’s very common for a dying person to say they see their deceased loved ones or even pets,” she says. ‘Sometimes it happens in dreams, sometimes it happens right in front of them.
‘Witnessing this mysterious end-of-life phenomenon, or even hearing about it, can be life-changing. These visions provide comfort to the patient who experiences them, to the family who sees their dying person ‘reunited’ with their lost loves, and to people who suffer from fear of death, like me.”
She describes several people who saw loved ones in the days and hours before their deaths.
“Time and time again, I have seen patients who are so convinced that they are being visited by the spirits of their deceased relatives, and it convinces me that they really are,” she writes.
‘But ultimately it was my own spiritual encounter that finally led me to my personal conviction about what lies beyond.’
About a week after her father’s death, she remembers an intensely emotional conversation with him that felt so real it was completely transformative.
“While I was sleeping, I dreamed of my father,” she writes. ‘Although I can only describe it as dreams, it was much, much more.
“My father came to me surrounded by bright lights, smiled his famous smile, and I felt his love embrace me. And he was so happy, he radiated joy.
‘He told me it was time to go. “Okay,” I told him. “I’m ready to go!” Then I thought for a moment and told him I needed to see my kids one more time before I went. “They’re going to miss me,” I said.
Smith’s spiritual encounter with her father, Derral Ray Hawkins, “finally brought me to my personal conviction about what lies beyond”
Derral with Smith’s two daughters – his grandchildren. ‘I thought for a moment and told him I had to see my children one more time before I went. “They’re going to miss me,” I said
When her father “visited” her, she says, “He told me he would always be with me and he put his arms around me… I felt his love embrace me.”
“No, it’s not your time to go yet,” he replied. Then he told me that he would always be with me and he put his arms around me.
“I love you, it’s okay, honey. I love you, it’s okay.’ I cried tears of happiness and sadness at the same time.’
When she woke up, tears still streaming down her face, her husband held her and gently told her, “I love you, it’s okay, honey. I love you, it’s okay, honey.’
That was strange, she says, because “neither my father nor my husband have ever called me honey before.”
She adds: ‘I will never be convinced that what happened that night was just a vivid dream. It was my reality and I am so grateful to have experienced it.
“So is there an afterlife?” she asks. ‘As far as I’m concerned, yes. Because my dad told me it is.”
Affecting Death: Reimagining Dying for a Better Life by Penny Hawkins Smith is published by GFB, January 14