I’m a former flight attendant and this is the perfect place (and time) to join the mile-high club

Do you think the life of a flight attendant is one big party?

A former flight attendant has set the record straight in a book that compiles her diary entries she made for a “luxury airline” over five years.

‘Diary of a flight attendant‘ by Marika Mikusova is a behind-the-scenes look at what it’s like to work at an altitude of 12,000 metres. Read on for some of the tome’s revelations, from the best place and time to join the mile-high club to why Germans are the best at boarding and the shocking habits of cabin cleaning crews…

GERMAN – AND THEIR SKILLS TO EXCHANGE SEATS

Marika reveals how ‘boarding is basically automatic on a German flight’.

She explains: ‘Passengers know where to sit and how to organize their luggage in the hat racks [overhead bins], which they then close themselves. And if they want to change seats with someone, they’ll ask for it themselves, instead of coming to us like little kids to sort it out for them.’

POSITION IN THE CAB

After one flight, Marika witnessed a cleaner wiping the surface of the galley “with the same cloth he just used to wipe the toilet floor”

Marika was once told by a supervisor to “don’t lean on chairs because it doesn’t look right.” Marika complained that this was difficult when standing behind a chair, explaining, “We absolutely have to ‘lean'” or we’d fall into the chairs behind us. My blood is boiling.’

THE CHAOS OF BUSY FLIGHTS

One flight was so busy, Marika explains, that “half an hour before landing we’re still running up and down the cabin collecting dirty meal trays.” She adds: “Some passengers are so fed up with our snail’s pace that they take the trays to the galley themselves. And if they have nowhere else to put them, they leave them on the floor. We could have picked them up faster if a few passengers hadn’t suddenly remembered that they wanted coffee.’

CLEANING ABOUT THE CLEANERS

After one flight, Marika witnessed a cleaner wiping the surface of the galley “with the same cloth he just used to wipe the toilet floor.” She adds, “I’ve seen it so many times, it doesn’t surprise me at all.”

HOW ARE THE CREWS WHEN CLEANING THE TOILETS?

Marika says, “For many of them, when the crew ‘goes to clean the toilet’, it actually means locking themselves inside for five minutes to check their cell phones.”

THE TIME A PASSENGER LIGHTS UP IN THE TOILETS

Marika reveals that on one flight, a passenger smoked a cigarette in the business class toilet – it wasn’t long before cabin crew were deployed with fire extinguishers…

Marika writes: ‘I peek to the right of the cabin and see a cloud of smoke coming out of the toilet. Dido [a colleague] immediately shouts that she can see smoke and jumps to the compartment with a fire extinguisher. I follow her with [colleagues] Dragana and Wilson.

‘We arrive at the toilet with four fire extinguishers and Dido literally knocks on the door. In an instant, so much smoke pours into the cabin that we can’t even see each other. In the toilet a man with a cigarette is looking at us in disbelief.

“Did you throw a cigarette in the trash?!” I yell at the man, feeling my voice tremble and adrenaline rushing through me. I pour water in it just to be sure.

“My hands are shaking and tears well up in my eyes.”

Diary of a Flight Attendant by Marika Mikusova is a behind-the-scenes look at what it’s like to work at 38,000 feet

SURPRISE ‘DIAPER GIFTS’

Marika recalls a passenger changing her baby’s diaper at her seat during the flight – just before meal service.

Marika writes: ‘I am trying to point out to her that it may not be pleasant for other passengers, especially as we are just starting to serve meals.

The lady just smiles, “It’s okay, I’m done anyway.” At the end of the flight I find used diapers under her seat. This isn’t the only flight where I’ve found these ‘surprises’ at the end.”

THE HIERARCHY OF THE CREW

Marika reveals that the crew’s hierarchy even extends to checking into the hotels together after a flight, with the senior staff traditionally checking in first.

THE BEST PLACE – AND TIME – TO JOIN THE MILE-HIGH CLUB

Marika writes, “The economy class restrooms are by far the “safest” place to join the mile-high club. Economy class is so big you can hardly see the end of it. And it has several toilets. It is more practical to use a toilet that has only one door. Not the one that the door has to “fold” into to give you enough room to even step inside. We flight attendants like to sit in the galleys and chat. Plus, we dim the cab lights after every service, so that’s the perfect time for… well, you know. You’re welcome, by the way.’

Diary of a flight attendant is out now. Click here to order a copy. You can find Marika tweeting at twitter.com/letuska_m and her Instagram account is here.