I’m 62, happily married… and I’ve never had an orgasm

Dear Jane,

I am 62 years old and have been happily married for 41 years. My marriage has been filled with many wonderful experiences and I consider myself lucky that I am still as in love with my husband today as he was when we first met.

Even the intimate side of our relationship has remained constant over the years.

But… I’ve never had a real orgasm. I know sex isn’t just about that peak moment, but I can’t help but feel like I’m missing something.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to appreciate the things I have in life instead of regretting what I’m missing, so it seems silly for me to even bring it up. Especially since, after 41 years, I wouldn’t even know how to bring it up with my husband.

Maybe I am one of those people who cannot experience such a feeling? Should I just give up without trying…or is it worth dropping a potential bombshell on my marriage for something I really don’t know I’m missing?

From, Bad luck in lust

Dear unfortunate in lust,

I love the positivity you show, that your lack of orgasm isn’t a deal breaker, and that you’re still curious about having the big O.

It sounds like you have a wonderful, healthy relationship, so I think bringing it up to your husband is unlikely to be the bombshell you fear it will be.

First of all, this is much more common than you think; in fact, only 10 percent of women find it easy to orgasm. If we rule out issues like hormones, medications that may be interfering with your ability to orgasm, depression, we can start talking about discovering your erogenous zones. Not your husband, but you.

You haven’t said if you’re capable of orgasming on your own, and I would suggest that’s the place to start. Know your erogenous zones, Unfortunate. If you don’t masturbate, now is the time to start, when you are fully relaxed, with time to figure out what you like.

Find out what gives you pleasure before sharing it with your husband. There are also medications that can help women who cannot orgasm.

Some antidepressants like Wellbutrin can be effective, as can a topical cream, known as ‘Scream Cream’, which is a cream made by a compounding pharmacy that is said to be excellent. Finally, you may want to consider going to see a professional sex therapist.

But if this doesn’t work, remember that there’s nothing wrong with you and you’re not alone. A healthy and happy sex life can be a wonderful part of a long-term relationship, but perhaps more important than orgasm is shared intimacy.

I wish you good luck, and I’m going to order some cream to scream…

Dear Jane,

My parents recently asked me to move back in with them so I can help care for them as they grow. They are both in their 70s, my dad is facing some health issues and my mom is struggling to take care of both of them on her own. Which I totally understand.

But I’m 41 years old, built a life for myself in Chicago, have a (pretty!) successful corporate career, and I feel like all of that will be ruined if I go back to the suburbs to become essentially complete. time race.

They insist that I can continue to work from home and keep telling me that “it will only be for a few years” which makes me feel really bad.

I would hate more than anything to think that I have given up the chance to spend his last years by his side and feel so selfish prioritizing my own life over his comfort.

But every time I think about what they ask me to do, I feel furious. So guilty. Then furious again. Help me break this vicious circle and tell me what to do?

From, Rebel Child

Dear Rebellious Child,

Oh how I feel about you. I think it’s terribly unfair that your parents would have asked this of you, and I wonder if they would have asked the same of you if you were married and involved in your own family.

Either way, it’s not okay to be asked to give up your life, whether it’s for a few months or many years. And it may well be that when trying to address a problem that they clearly have, they go straight to what to them is a logical solution.

Fortunately, there are many ways to skin this particular cat, none of which should involve you giving up your own life and well-being.

Start by having a clear conversation about what they need help with. Once you define the real problems they are having, you may well be able to identify local resources and/or social workers who can alleviate their problems. My suspicion is that your parents are experts at emotionally manipulating you and none of these feelings are new to you.

Of course you feel angry and guilty, but believe me, it would be much worse if you had to give your life for them.

I am unequivocal in telling you that you cannot give your life for them. However, what you need to do is sit down with them and find a way to get more help and make them feel more comfortable. Whether it’s arranging for a part-time caregiver, agreeing to come see him once a week, or whatever is most comfortable for you, there are plenty of resources that can help.

We love our parents, we owe them, but we do not owe them our lives. Stay strong, Rebel Boy. Do what you can, but make sure it’s on your terms and not theirs.