Ian Thorpe goes public with a never-before-heard devastating admission

Olympic champion Ian Thorpe has spoken openly for the first time about how a failed drug test nearly led to his suicide and left him in a deep depression.

The 41-year-old swimming legend has shared personal struggles with his mental health and sexuality in a new book called Profiles In Hope by former NSW Liberal Party leader John Brogden. The book also features in-depth interviews with 14 other well-known Australians.

In the book, Thorpe reveals for the first time the devastating consequences of the publication of a leak by the French newspaper L’Equipe, which revealed that a few years earlier a drug test had been irregular.

The test found that Thorpe had elevated levels of testosterone and luteinizing hormone in one sample.

The legendary athlete obtained medical evidence that cleared his name – the substances were of natural origin – and sued the newspaper.

But at the time, the revelation was so devastating that he didn’t want to leave his home. He felt he had to deal with his mental health issues himself and considered attempting to take his own life and stage it as an accident.

“An irregular test is not unusual. They happen. So first of all, nobody should know that information,” he told Brogden.

“An irregular test means nothing. An irregular test is rejected.”

It was one of many forms of pressure Thorpe experienced during his career as an athlete.

At 14, Thorpe felt he did not deserve to compete in the world championships. He wondered if winning the same tournament at 15 was a fluke, and at 17 he felt increasing pressure to win gold at the Sydney Olympics.

“People were expecting a result that hadn’t been achieved yet. I was in the store with my mother and people were saying, ‘We’ve got tickets for the Olympics, we can’t wait for you to win your first gold medal,'” he said.

‘I couldn’t ignore it. Then it became more and more hyped up. I was surrounded by it.’

Sexuality in the spotlight

Thorpe won five gold medals, making him the most successful athlete at the 2000 Games, and said he was well prepared to become an Olympic champion. But he was not ready for the fame and publicity that came with it.

At age 16, a reporter asked him directly, “Are you gay?”

He later learned that the reporter had been threatened with his job if he didn’t ask the question. Thorpe, however, panicked because he didn’t know. He replied, “Well, you know me.”

After the Sydney Olympics, speculation about his sexual orientation continued, so he decided not to share those details at all.

“I thought, ‘No, no, f*** it. I’m not going to leave this to someone who made my life hell. Who poked and prodded me into this. I’m not going to reward this behavior,'” he recalled.

“And so the more I was pushed into it, the further I withdrew from it… It became more and more difficult to learn to deal with my sexuality than it would have been otherwise.”

In April 2014, at the age of 31, Thorpe underwent a series of shoulder surgeries due to an injury. He became depressed and ended up in intensive care with a staph infection.

He told Brogden, “I can’t swim. I had a shoulder replacement. Mechanically, I can’t swim. I can catch a wave, but I can’t swim laps.”

“I usually don’t bring it up because it makes everyone really angry. People get sad. People feel sorry for me. And I don’t want them to feel sorry for me.”

Months after his health problems, he came out to his family and friends. He decided to go public with his actions because he felt he had “come out” and didn’t want to go back.

In July 2014, he had an interview with Parkinson, the British television presenter and radio host, and decided to use the opportunity to tell the world that he was gay.

“I spent a few days with Parky and his family before I did that interview in the UK. We went to the cricket, had family dinners in the pub just around the corner. It was good. He got to know me a bit,” he said.

‘Two days before the interview I said to him, “You have to ask me if I’m gay, because I’m going to tell you that I am.”‘

Due to the time difference, Thorpe was asleep when the program aired in Australia.

He woke up to overwhelming support from his loved ones, but also received a lot of hate mail from strangers, some of whom were from the queer community.

“It’s kind of weird because I don’t know anyone’s individual circumstances. I grew up in a conservative Christian family, which makes it more difficult,” he said.

‘There were multiple factors that contributed to my decision. That’s why people shouldn’t be pressured into coming out.’

The irregular drug test

Thorpe said he was in a deep depression after being accused of a drug test irregularity and had to fight to save his reputation.

“In that state you are completely irrational, your logic is distorted. Only in the periods when you are clear-headed, when your mental health is good, can you actually think about things and say, ‘Well, I could have done this,'” he said.

“I realized that what I was doing wasn’t working and that I needed help. So I got that help and even though I was still in a long-term depressive state, I got better. I wasn’t at the point of suicide.”

Thorpe now lives a private life and says he is happy.

To manage his mental health, he keeps a diary, does breathing exercises and knows what signals to look out for.

“If I don’t show up for things I like, or if I stop doing them, that’s a sign. I like cooking, so if I stop cooking and have food delivered, am I just lazy or is something happening?” he said.

“Sometimes I’m really lazy. It’s knowing when to check myself.”

For confidential crisis support, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14