I think my husband had an affair: relationship therapist Caroline West-Meads answers your problems

Q: I have been married almost 20 years, mostly happily, and we have two children in their late teens. We have had some difficult moments.

My husband is very considerate and loving – qualities I find difficult to put into words, which has caused tension.

But recently I have come to suspect that about three years ago he had an affair with a much younger woman in her thirties – the daughter of a local family.

I was a bit suspicious about it at the time because we didn’t get along at the time and he often made excuses to get out of the house. I still remember seeing him wink at her at a party one time.

But then I was diagnosed with breast cancer (I have everything clear now) and he’s been the perfect husband ever since, so I forgot about it.

But I use an old phone belonging to my husband and a few weeks ago I accidentally discovered a contact for this woman on a messaging app that I think he forgot was on it. There would be no reason for him to need her number.

I do know that she is currently in a committed relationship and whatever was going on is no more. It kills me inside but I’m reluctant to confront him as we are very happy now.

I can’t prove anything and he would deny it. Do I leave sleeping dogs?

A: In general, in a marriage, it’s best to be open with each other. However, after much thought, I agree that there is probably nothing to be gained by confronting your husband.

Things are going well at the moment and this could open a can of worms. Indeed, your husband would probably deny everything and you would never know for sure – resulting in anger on both sides.

If your fears were true, you could look at it this way: marriages can survive affairs if the unfaithful partner realizes the pain caused and makes a heartfelt commitment to repair the relationship.

So maybe your cancer diagnosis has changed things. Maybe the fear of losing you made him realize how much you really mean to him and how stupid he might have been.

You say he’s been the perfect husband since your diagnosis – so maybe this is his way of saying how sorry he is. You may find this a way to accept what happened and move on.

It is good that you are happy now, and in order to further strengthen your marriage, it is also important to look at how difficulties have arisen and why you find it so difficult to express love.

It can come from many things – distant, non-expressive parents, for example, or even an autism spectrum diagnosis. Counseling, alone or as a couple, could help you explore these issues further (relate.org.uk).

Should he come on our family vacation?

Q :Our 24 year old daughter and her long term boyfriend were supposed to vacation with us this summer.

However, he broke up with her four months ago. She was devastated and decided not to come.

Suddenly she has met someone else and now she wants to take him with her. We’re both happy for her and of course we wouldn’t say ‘no’ but I’m afraid it could be awkward.

I’m afraid my daughter and her new boyfriend will break up on vacation and ruin memories of a place we’ve all been going to since she was a kid (stock image)

Her new boyfriend seems very nice, but we barely know him. I also worry that being together 24 hours a day could prove too much in a new relationship so quickly.

We’re afraid they’ll break up while we’re on vacation and ruin memories of a place we’ve all been going to since she was a kid.

A: Yes, this is a difficult situation. While you’re obviously happy that your daughter has met someone new and is happier, you’re also understandably worried that she’s rushing into a relationship.

But there are many “what ifs” in your mind, some of which may never happen. Yes, the holidays can feel a bit awkward at times.

Yes, they may very well break up (volcanic or calm), and you may need to put him on a train and comfort your daughter. But these are negative thought spirals, so try to stop “catastrophizing.”

And “what if” it all goes really well, he turns out to be the love of her life and you and your husband find yourself famously getting along with him?

All you can do is take it one step at a time and deal with any problems “as” they arise.

You probably also have your own sense of loss about her previous boyfriend, who you must have grown close to, so try not to let that stop you from getting to know and like this new guy.

• If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on Twitter @Ask_Caroline_