I spent all my money on my ex husband’s medical bills and now I am HOMELESS

Dear Jane,

I am 55 years old and have lost everything I had. I spent over four years and every penny I had trying to keep my ex husband alive. We were divorced, but I still loved him. When he nearly died of congestive heart failure, he had no family to help; but i could and i did.

He was hospitalized five times in the last year of his life. As you know, healthcare costs in the US have been the downfall of many people, families – and now mine. I lost my home because I couldn’t afford his care and the mortgage.

A year later I was fired after 13 years with the company. The severance package covered me for six months, but I was unable to find a job during that time.

Then in February 2022, my best friend and I had a hit and run that nearly killed me. I had eight broken ribs, a collapsed lung, I had a broken wrist that needed a steel bar to fix, and four broken lower vertebrae with compressed nerves.

I was in the hospital for 12 days and they tried to find a rehab that would take me in without insurance but no one would. So I’m staying with my sister, brother-in-law and my cousin (who’s 37 and has schizophrenia). But I had to give up my dogs because I could barely walk for three months after the accident and my brother-in-law didn’t want them in the house. They were all the love and comfort I had left in the world.

My brother-in-law hates me and my cousin. And I won’t tell my sister what’s going on because he’s good for her.

My injuries mean I can barely stand long enough to cook a meal or do laundry. So I applied for disability and was rejected.

All of this has caused heartache and hardship.

My son sent me money, so I don’t have to be a total burden to my sister and brother-in-law, but I feel like a burden to him as well. He never calls me, never responds to my texts. When he does, it sounds like I’m annoying him.

Somehow I need to get out of here fast and I don’t know where. I’m in a house with three family members and feel incredibly lonely, and I feel like I’ll be alone for the rest of my life.

Everyone says God gave me a second chance, and every day I wonder what a second chance is? This is not how I imagined my life at the moment.

I don’t have anyone to talk to and I hope you might know something that might help.

Sick of life

Dear sick person of life,

Phew, this is a hard letter to read, and what a terrible time you’ve had. I am so sorry for your pain and the circumstances you are in.

There’s a part of me that applauds you for your selflessness, taking care of your ex-husband like you did, but another part that wonders why you went to such lengths for someone you were no longer married to,

Sick of life, as devastating as your situation is, I can’t help but wonder if you suffer from the martyr complex, a recognized psychological pattern where you put the needs of others before your own.

As admirable as a martyr’s behavior may seem, always putting others first often leads to a victim complex, where you feel that bad things are always happening to you, that you are out of control and then unable to take personal to take responsibility for your life. .

Being a victim means you get attention and probably sympathy from everyone around you. But it also means you don’t have to be accountable for your life. Your self-esteem comes from the pity and attention of those around you.

I see you have the best intentions for those around you. You’ve proven yourself capable of being very committed to helping someone – now what if that someone was yourself? If you were given the task of helping someone in your situation, what would you tell her to do? What loving care would you offer her? What advice? Now see if you can’t do that for yourself.

Sick of life, I now give you brutal love: no one can fix this but you. You need to start using the many resources at your disposal and put yourself first because you are the only person responsible for your happiness and your life.

I don’t know where you live, so I don’t know the details, but I do know that many cities have medical clinics that provide care for the homeless, as well as employment and placement training programs to help you find employment. In addition, there are organizations that provide counseling and mental health care to the homeless.

Reach out to local nonprofits and organizations that provide assistance to people in need of housing and mental health needs. Organizations such as Women in Need, Healthcare for the Homeless, etc. You can find them all online.

I encourage you to seek advice and help and take action to take care of yourself. I wish you the best.

Dear Jane,

I have been happily married for 38 years – and I dated my husband for 11 years before our wedding.

I recently had four abdominal surgeries. I’m fine, but I fantasize about my surgeon.

He is funny, smart and attractive. Something about him makes me feel so connected in my body and mind.

He is married and so am I. I don’t know why I have these feelings for him, but I feel like there is some kind of sexual tension between me and him.

Dr. Call up McDreamy

Dear Paging Dr McDreamy,

First of all, you are married, not dead.

It is totally normal to be attracted to another man, especially a man who is funny, smart, attractive and whose only role in your life is to take care of you and make you feel better.

My God! You’d have to be dead not to fantasize about him. Honestly, after your description, I’m starting to fantasize about him too.

But this is a fantasy, and as nice as he is, as good as you feel about him, know that it’s because it’s not real, and because of the very specific role he plays in your life.

The good thing about fantasies is that they’re almost always a disaster when they come to life, and the good thing, hopefully, about your particular situation is that your operations come to an end, as do, I suspect, the fantasies.

Enjoy the fantasies, but don’t act on them, whatever you do. The last thing you want is to cross a line and ruin a great medical relationship.