I refuse to look after my disabled brother once my parents die – my family are so disappointed in me
A woman whose brother is severely disabled has received support after refusing to care for her disabled brother when their parents died.
Writing in the Is he a ****** threadthe American woman explained that her 26-year-old brother is autistic and has “the mind of a ten-year-old” – he cannot do much without the help of his parents.
Currently, his parents help him with dressing, cleaning and getting ready, as well as with all chores and activities.
Now the sister explained that her parents want her to take care of her brother or sister when they are gone. However, the poster ‘refuses’ to give up their career and is not sure if this makes them wrong.
After asking others for their opinion on the decision, the sister was flooded with support, as many said their parents were “unfair” to have such expectations of her.
A Redditor has wondered if they are wrong for refusing to give up their career to become a full-time caregiver for their big brother after their parents passed away
The troubled sibling revealed that her parents had been in touch the week before and asked for a conversation about something.
When she met her mother and father, the parents explained that they were writing their will and needed to “get their affairs in order.”
She explained that her brother was severely autistic and almost non-verbal, being able to say only a few words. As the parents begin to think about what will happen when they are gone, they explained their plan to their daughter.
The poster read: ‘If one of them were to die first, my brother will live part-time with the single parent and part-time in a care home/supported facility to give the single parent a break.
‘If the single parent dies, the intention is for my brother to come live with me. They will then set up a kind of trust so that what he inherits is spent every month on living expenses.’
After learning of their parents’ plan, the person revealed that they insisted “I’m not giving up my career to care for him” and refused to take in their disabled sibling.
She added that she is not close to her brother and that it would be a “huge burden” to care for him.
‘I explained my reasoning to my parents and I thought they would be more understanding. “I actually feel like he’s better off in a place where people can actually help him and know what they’re doing – I’m just not willing to give up my career or anything for him,” she said.
The Redditor also told her parents that she is “more than happy” to give up half of her inheritance so that the money can remain “to make sure he is taken care of.”
However, after explaining their reasoning, she claimed her parents were ‘upset’ and ‘disappointed’ – and asked other people for their opinions on the predicament.
Many people felt that the sister was absolutely right and should not be asked to give up her career for her brother.
One person wrote, “Your parents have plenty of time to research facilities and programs for your brother’s long-term care.
‘They also have time to set up a trust with trustees or guardians. To ensure that no one abuses the trust and misuses the money intended for your brother’s care, consider becoming one of the trustees.
“It is unfair to expect you to pick up the pieces, especially since your brother could be in transition right now if your parents are healthy and able to oversee his care.”
Another sympathetic Redditor added, “Their planning has nothing to do with you. You are your own person, with your own life. Suddenly becoming a full-time caregiver would be exhausting.
“Your plan to give up an inheritance is well thought out. Your brother would thrive in an assisted living environment. I’ve seen all this before.
Someone familiar with these types of situations also added their thoughts: “My 23 year old son is autistic and I also have a 26 year old daughter with no special needs who no longer lives at home.
‘I made it very clear to her that he doesn’t have to come live with her later.
“She can be his legal representative, but not his primary care provider. He will have to live in a group home.’
Another added: ‘I know the family but that’s their child they decided to have. You were honest and upfront and let them know this wasn’t something you wanted to be in charge of, I don’t blame you at all!’
Others disagreed, with one user asking: ‘How close are you to your brother? If this happened, I would happily take care of my brother for the rest of my life.”
Someone else said the Redditor may have been “a little harsh” on his parents, but added that “the truth is often harsh, disappointing and difficult to accept.”