‘I reached the point where nothing mattered’: Simon Cowell breaks down as he reveals he felt he ‘had nothing to live for’ after his parents died but that having his son Eric saved him

Simon Cowell broke down in tears as he revealed he felt he had ‘nothing to live for’ after his parents died.

The music mogul, 64, spoke in one of his most open and emotional interviews yet on the Diary of a CEO podcast with Steven Bartlett, where he talked about how after his losses he “reached the point where nothing mattered anymore.”

He opened up about his incredible relationship with his mother Julie and father Eric and the devastation he felt at their deaths – before being saved when his partner Lauren Silverman told him she was expecting a baby.

They welcomed their son Eric in 2014 – which Simon said ‘everything changed’ after his mental state reached the ‘lowest possible level’.

As he broke down, he said, “To him, I had reached the point where nothing mattered anymore. It was all so hard for me. When I was on TV I felt like a clown because I was dying inside. I have gained a lot of weight.

The music mogul, 64, spoke in one of his most open and emotional interviews yet on the Diary of a CEO podcast, where he told how after his losses he ‘reached the point where nothing mattered anymore’ (seen with his father)

‘If I got hit by a bus the next day, I wasn’t worried about it. The whole time was dark. It was the lowest level. I recognize it when people say that life no longer matters.

‘I thought: what should I live for?’ I didn’t want to kill myself, but I thought, ‘If something terrible happens to me, it won’t bother me.’ I still suffer from depression sometimes.’

He spoke of descending into a deep depression in the midst of his grief and realizing that “material things meant nothing.”

Simon also became a workaholic to cope with his pain, explaining: “After losing all material things, I had become meaningless.

‘I was in a downward spiral. I was desperately unhappy, so I thought I would just become a vampire and work until seven in the morning.

I became addicted to that lifestyle. I had to find something to make up for the loss and I became a workaholic. I was very successful, but so unhappy. ‘

When he found out Lauren was pregnant, he added: ‘I got a call from Lauren and she said, ‘Sit down.’

‘And it changed everything. It made me happy again, it was perfect.’

He spoke about his incredible relationship with his mother Julie (seen) and father Eric and the devastation he felt at their deaths

They welcomed their son Eric in 2014 – which Simon said ‘everything changed’ after his mental state reached the ‘lowest possible level’

As he broke down, he said, “To him, I had reached the point where nothing mattered anymore. It all hit me so hard.”

He then went into detail about his father’s death and how he couldn’t even think about him for a long time afterward because it was too painful.

Simon said: “I was in Germany to promote Westlife and they were doing so well. I called home to tell them the good news. I could just tell something was wrong, and then my mother told me.

‘At that point in my life I thought my parents would live forever. It was heavy. The hardest thing about losing your parents is that you can’t think about them afterward because it’s too hard.

‘But a little later you and I can talk to my parents in our minds. I still believe they are with me. I would have traded everything I had succeeded in in my life to have him in my life again. I do so much now that I still think ‘what would Dad say about that?’

‘He would have liked to see me on TV. Losing both my parents was without a doubt the hardest thing that has ever happened to me.’

After his father died, his mother suffered from dementia, but he met his son Eric before she died.

He then broke down again as he revealed the sweet gift his mother gave Eric that he still cherishes dearly.

He became incredibly emotional and said: ‘I’m so happy she saw Eric, she really wanted me to have a child and she brought him this brown blanket and he still has it.

‘And everything revolves around the blanket, he must always know where it is. One day he held him and said, ‘I’m thinking about Grandma and Grandpa’ and then I started to believe that they are still with us.

He added: “If I got hit by a bus the next day, I wasn’t worried about it. The whole time was dark. It was the lowest level. I recognize it when people say that life no longer matters’

Poignantly, he said: ‘I thought: what should I live for?’ I didn’t want to kill myself, but I thought, ‘If something terrible happened to me, it wouldn’t bother me.’

‘It’s not a total loss. They were my best friends. That’s how I feel about Eric, it’s just pure love.”

He added that when he lost his mother it was “the most devastating thing that has ever happened in his life.”

Simon said: ‘When I lost my mother – because it was so final – it was the most devastating thing that has ever happened in my life.

‘It was as bad as it could be. We had the most wonderful relationship. I looked up to them both and I could go to them both when I needed advice and they were there for me.’