I lived like Mario for a week

Everyone knows Mario is cool. He can run, he can jump, he can stomp bad guys, he can save princesses, he can play sports, he went to medical school, he can paint, he’s a top dog in a number of sports, and he’s made of paper. There’s nothing Mario can’t do.

And with a billion-dollar movie behind him, he may have jumped to icon status three times over. But what does it really take to reach the level of the Mushroom Kingdom’s number 1 plumber? I wanted to know.

I don’t look like Mario, but I could easily mold myself into his image: red hat, blue overalls, moustache, yes-how. But becoming Mario, living up to his style, should make more effort. I should inhabit Mario’s daily life.

So for five days I set out to get to the bottom of what it really means to be a plumber, princess saver, go-kart driver, and overall cool dude. This is my story.

Day 1: Mario Time!

Another day, another week, but this time I lived like Mario. It was time to get to work. Normally I would take the subway, but Mario doesn’t. He runs everywhere. And as Mario does, so do I. So this morning I ran five miles to work.

I quickly learned that I can’t run five miles to work. My legs hurt and I was very hot.

Once I got to work, I just had to… Well, I had to get to work. Wearing Mario’s clothes, but working very hard.

I still had my job to do even though I lived like Mario, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t do Mario’s job too. Mario is all about taking risks, so I found a private bathroom to do my private plumbing.

I dedicated myself to plumbing because Mario is dedicated. I am not a trained plumber. But I think Dad would be proud.

Then I wanted to jump in a bit. My colleague Pat was kind enough to help me out by setting up Mario’s signature Mystery Block. After years of studying Mario and watching him reach great heights countless times, I knew it had to be done. And I was ready to be like him.

I jumped. I felt powerful. And higher and higher we went…

After work I went home to eat. Not my real home, but Mario’s cultural home, Little Italy.

At a local restaurant I ordered the spaghetti carbonara. But what does Mario do while he waits for his food? Go on his phone? No. Twitching his thumbs? Staring at other people eating? I did not know. But what I did know is that Mario loves sangria. (That’s just a cup gun. Don’t sue me, Nintendo. I just thought it would be really funny for people to see Mario drinking sangria.)

The pasta came and it was very big. Too big. Mario likes spaghetti, but… I really couldn’t eat it all. But I finished my sangria. And felt unstoppable.

With a full belly I went to my actual house. Where would Mario’s life take me next?

Day 2: Here we go!

Tuesday was a home working day, so I went to get some food with my housemates. But I had to find spaghetti or mushrooms. No other food would do.

I went to my local deli to find suitable food. But lo and behold, most Brooklyn delis don’t have spaghetti or mushroom-based meals available for breakfast. So me, Mario, just stood and waited while my roommates ordered.

I also found that delis don’t accept large coins as payment.

I needed food and went to a larger supermarket that guaranteed frozen spaghetti. Or so I thought. Walking down the freezer aisle I was shocked to discover they only had a single spaghetti. Where was the spaghetti??? I needed spaghetti.

This story has a happy ending: I found ALL the spaghetti. Call that a job well done.

Speaking of jobs, right now I wasn’t doing my job because I was looking for spaghetti for so long.

Day 3: I’m the superstar!

I was on my way back to the office. But this time I wasn’t going to run. I had something else in mind. Hello Yoshi.

Riding this green dinosaur head on a stick allowed me to ride the subway while still keeping the authenticity of Mario. It’s true.

Once I got to the office, I started working… but was immediately tired without caffeine. I needed… a power-up. But what mushrooms does Mario actually eat? What mushrooms could I eat that wouldn’t kill me? Google had few responses to ‘mushrooms that make you hype’.

After buying the only mushrooms Whole Foods had to offer, I returned to the office and got straight to work.

Eating raw mushrooms didn’t seem like a good idea and it wasn’t. The texture was soft. I hated being Mario.

Luckily the day turned around because after work I traveled to Coney Island to do Mario stuff. Go-karting, golf, archery – the New York City neighborhood is an oasis for someone living like Mario for a week.

I saw myself all over Coney Island. I felt like a celebrity. Even the tables were Mario colored.

First I jumped to an archery booth to make my dreams come true Mario & Sonic at the Olympics. Sonic wasn’t there, but the lady in charge seemed very excited to see Mario. I was really excited to shoot an arrow.

That excitement was very short-lived, because it turned out that I was not good at archery at all. Maybe I didn’t have the physical coordination to be Mario? A wave of disappointment washed over me.

That is until the VERY NICE LADY WENT BACK AND GIVE ME A SNORLAX EVEN THOUGH I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!

Then I went golfing, as Mario is used to. Another few holes in it, I started to think: I’m not very good at being Mario.

Golf is hard. Three over par is not the Mario way. Besides, golf is boring. And Mario is subjected to it every time someone wants to play Mario Golf. Mario must be free from this endless cycle of hole after hole! What a horrible existence.

Fortunately, I followed golf with go-karting. When they actually let me buy a ticket, I was overjoyed: I don’t have a driver’s license, but that doesn’t matter. I doubted they would have a RDW in the Mushroom Kingdom anyway.

I drove like crazy!!!!!! A maniac who drives at a very reasonable speed which is definitely below the speed limit. The karts were slower than I thought, but WOW. I felt free. I hit the corners. I was racing. I was Mario.

A few people passed me though, and it seems they had a lot of fun passing Mario. I think I’m not an aggressive enough driver. But I ended up right where I started, and that’s a copy in my book.

Day 4: Waaaahhhh!

More work.

More spaghetti.

More diving.

Run more.

Jump more.

Today I tried to sprint back and forth, but I got exhausted quickly. So I came to the conclusion that maybe Mario is more of a jogger… It’s a marathon, not a race… Wait, a marathon is a race…

Day 5: Game Over!

While my last day also included spaghetti, diving and jumping, I also wanted to end my Mario week with a bang. My friends are big Mario fans and gamers. They deserved to meet me. So we all went to the club. With me, Mario.

Mario loves to dance and I loved to dance as Mario. (This is canon, because Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix is one thing.) I was so sweaty too.

After a whole week of work as Mario, I realized a few things:

1. Both adults and children love Mario. Seeing Mario on the street brightens people’s days. And it put me in a good mood to see other people so happy.
2. Dogs don’t seem to really care about Mario.
3. When people saw me, they really saw Mario. Not once did I get a call while wearing this. Only Mario called. It felt great.
4. Mario brings out the best and the worst in me. I felt so loved as Mario. I have experienced real joy. I also felt like an utter failure as Mario. I was really bad at archery.

There may have been parts of the week where I might not have done it precisely what Mario would have done. But that’s because being Mario is actually really damn hard. He is such a specific man. With unlimited stamina and hand-eye coordination. I don’t know how he does it.

But hey, I was just Mario for a week. And he’s been Mario all his life, so maybe one day I’ll get there.