I lied to my husband for years about wanting kids

Dear Jane,

I have been married to my husband for four years, together for six years. When we first met, it seemed like we were tuned into so many different things when it came to our future – where we wanted to live, what we wanted to achieve, what we wanted our relationship to be like.

Pretty much everything, except for one problem: kids. My now-husband was clear from the start that he wants kids, but for me it’s always been something I’ve had doubts about.

I don’t need children like so many women, I don’t feel any kind of maternal desire and I always thought I would just wait and see what happens. If kids eventually became a part of my future, fine, but I wouldn’t be mad if they didn’t. So I always went along with my husband’s feelings about it and thought we’d work it out if and when it came up.

But in recent years I have moved further and further away from the idea of ​​having children. Which would be fine if my husband hadn’t gotten more and more excited about the idea – he regularly asked when I’d come off my birth control so we could start a family.

I have no idea how to tell him how I really feel about children. Because really, I didn’t know how I felt when we got married. But if I tell him now, I’m terrified he’s going to leave me. And if I don’t, and I go through with his dreams of starting a family, I’m going to resent him – and the kids – for the rest of my life, right? Please help.

Van, up in the heir

Dear Up in the Heir,

As much as you were aligned when you met, you’re not aligned at all now, and there’s no way forward until you sit down and discuss it. Until you do, you have no idea how your man will react.

He wants kids, but he might be willing to make that sacrifice once you tell him how you feel. You don’t want children, but you might be willing to think about it if you and your husband discussed honestly and openly what having children entails and what you envision each of your responsibilities as.

Right now there’s a huge block in your marriage, and it’s only going to be so long before you can kick this particular ball down the road. I would say that your marriage has a much better chance of survival if you sit down, take a deep breath, and explain how you feel.

Bypassing the problem only makes it bigger and more powerful. And given the incredibly important nature of this conversation, you may also want to consider working with a couples therapist who can help you have a positive and productive dialogue.

In general, I find that the things we fear are not nearly as terrifying once we face them. Whatever the outcome, it will be fine. You’ve always been good.

And if you really are on very different paths, with different visions for your life and future, then you may come to the shared conclusion that breaking up and allowing each other to fulfill each of your desires is the only way is upon which each of you will do that. find your own happiness.

But neither of you can move forward, together or alone, until this discussion is over.

Dear Jane,

I have been dating this man for three years. He is still in love with his ex but refuses to be with her. He lives in my house and hardly contributes to the household.

I want him to go and disappear from my life. We don’t have sex, that connection is gone. We don’t do anything couples do together… We don’t go out to dinner, we don’t go on dates, bowling, nothing.

I made breakfast for us to enjoy together on weekends since we both work Monday through Friday, but I don’t do that anymore. We used to cuddle on cold nights because it’s winter here in Canada, but that’s stopped too. I just don’t want him in my house.

Of tied to toxicity

Dear Tied Up,

This is not a relationship. This is you as the surrogate mother of a big man baby. I can’t blame him for this because my goodness, he’s had it easy.

A house he doesn’t pay for is reward enough, but add breakfast on the house, cuddles on cold nights and a companion for when he wants to go bowling… no wonder he’s still living with you.

This, my dear, is not dating. It is a dysfunctional pairing that is only masked in words as a relationship. I wonder what you’ll get out of this other than maybe company?

The only reason I can think of keeping someone like that around is loneliness. Seems like you’re getting nothing out of this but another body to house and feed.

And as long as you’re with him, you’re ruining your chances of meeting someone else.

Just the fact that you think you’re dating this guy, when you’re not, makes it clear that no one else will come in.

Tied up, it’s time to tell him to leave.

You are not his mother, you are not responsible for where he ends up. What you are responsible for is your life, your home and your happiness. As lonely as you are once he’s gone, it’s much better for you to be alone, building a life with friends and possibly new relationships, than carrying around the resentment you feel.