I, Jana Hocking, have a confession.
Despite my mother’s constant plea to stop treating my articles as journal entries, I’m going to ignore that (probably very good) advice and get this confession straight from my heart.
Yes, dear reader, I have done what I warn us all not to do. I sent a “heyyyy” text to my emotionally unavailable husband. You know what I bragged about kicking the curb? Yes that one.
In my defense, I had just spent a week on my own on the farm, and unless you count the bulls, I didn’t get much attention from the male species that week.
So when I got back to my nice one-bedroom city apartment, I contacted the easiest, but most unattainable guy I knew and said “heyyyyy.”
“Despite my mother’s constant plea to stop treating my articles as diary entries, I’m going to ignore that (probably very good) advice and get this confession straight off my chest,” said Jana.
Was it a proud moment? No? Has it been worth it? Embarrassing, yes.
You see, I decided to treat myself to a glass of champagne before sending that text and it’s that very glass of sparkle that I blame for my next act. I must admit I’m a bit of a Cadbury – a glass and a half and I’m tipsy.
This didn’t just turn into a brutal sexting situation. Oh no. I ended up doing it through Facetime. Yes, for the first time in my 38 years of life, I got my sexy on through Facetime.
I’ve always felt that if you’re going to do something that you probably shouldn’t, you should go all in. Really make the best of that horrible, horrible decision.
So after we had the whole “why didn’t you talk to me?” business out of the way, we decided to send each other a photo of our current state of undress. I’m not usually a fan of ad*ck photos, especially when the guy is holding it aggressively and at a bad angle (eww no!) but these were pretty hot.
I spent way too long wandering around getting a good shot of my boobs but the reward was worth it because within seconds he called my phone so I could hear him go into great detail with the ‘this is what i would do’ you if you were here right now’ chat.
Side note: guys, learn to talk dirty and you’ll have the women flocking.
That also worked wonderfully because before I knew it, he had transferred the call to a facetime.
“I’ve always felt that if you’re going to do something that you probably shouldn’t, you should go all in. Really make the best of that horrible, horrible decision,” she says.
My first words were “no, absolutely not” before we started giggling. Then I poured another glass of champagne and threw caution to the wind.
It lasted about ten glorious minutes and included a lot of graphic foreplay and moaning. At one point I could catch a glimpse of myself in the mirrored screen and thought ‘Jana Hocking where does this confidence come from?’ Answer: champagne.
But can I just say… it’s not as easy as it seems!
So let me give you a solid fuck and share with you my tips and tricks for a sexy facetime.
1. Don’t record it. Serious. Haven’t read the news lately? Terrible things. Just watch with your eyes, not your recording device.
2. Give yourself two drinks (maximum) before you do it. No more, and I would even say, no less. I definitely needed a little liquid courage, but you don’t want to look sloppy on FaceTime. After all, he can see you. In addition, you always want to be aware of your camera angles. Clear head = clear vision.
3. Focus on lighting. Turn on the lamp with the flattering wattage. No harsh skylights. You want your bits and pieces to look almost filtered. We’re talking ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ interview relief.
4. Clean up your environment. Get that wet towel off the floor and hang it up in the bathroom. Straighten your sheets, make sure they look clean and tidy. Take a quick selfie of the background to make sure there’s no embarrassing mess during your sexy time. A dirty sock on the floor doesn’t exactly set the right tone.
5. Sit comfortably. I would suggest lying on your bed, but make sure you prop your head up with some pillows. Double chins are not sexy. I repeat. Not. Sexy.
6. Do it with someone you trust completely. Hey, my husband may be completely unsuitable in the sense of being “emotionally unavailable,” but do I trust him? Yes, 100%. I’ve known him for years and we’ve built up a level of trust that means I’m not afraid of him sneaking a recording and leaking it to his mates. If you’re going to show your face in anything involving nudity, you MUST trust the person you’re doing it with. Don’t put yourself in an accidental OnlyFans situation.
So aside from the oopsy-daisy mistake I made going back to Mr Bad Decision, would I recommend sprucing up your love life with a little sexy facetime? Absolute. It gets a 10/10 from this sexually satisfied lady.