I have three grandchildren in their twenties who never visit me. Should I stop sending money? Money psychotherapist VICKY REYNAL answers

Dear Vicky

I have three grandchildren in their twenties that I never see because they don’t come to visit. Every birthday I send them a card with money in it, but I never receive a thank you message from them.

Should I stop sending money now or would this cause unrest?

Anonymous grandfather

Dear Anon,

You need to think about what you want to communicate to your grandchildren so that you can decide what to do.

First, think about why you’re sending money in the first place. There may be more than one answer: maybe you want to show your love to them. You might do it because you feel like this is what is expected.

Or because your own grandfather used to do that. Try to put into words what is underlying this habit and, if there are multiple reasons, how important these reasons are.

Then acknowledge and reveal your feelings about their non-response.

How does it feel to generously give your money and receive no response? Did it make you sad? Angry? Disappointed? Resentful? Only? There may be a number of feelings in the mix.

Try to think about this in the broader context of your relationship with your grandchildren. Is this just about the money or does it come from feelings that have been built up over time. Is this just a sign that you feel like they don’t consider you much, value you, or invest in their relationship with you?

You see, once you have this broader view of what these ignored monetary gifts mean to you, you can take the next step.

Doing more of the same just for fear of being upset doesn’t help anyone: You may avoid an upset, but what message are you sending to your grandchildren about relationships and the importance of expressing gratitude? There are better ways to deal with this, for example by giving feedback, but still with respect and empathy.

You may choose to continue sending money: is it because you want to express love and a desire for closeness with your grandchildren? Is it because you had a great relationship with your own grandfather and you want to build the same with them?

Then I would like to invite you to say this more directly: let them know that you would like to contact them more often and that a ‘thank you’ would mean a lot. It doesn’t have to be a judgmental confrontation.

Using the right tone and language can help in many ways: it can give you the relief of letting go of some of the feelings you’re carrying; it can be a lesson for them that their choices (in this case their passivity) have an impact on the other; but most importantly: it opens up space for conversation.

The response you may get can be anything from a shrug and an “I didn’t think about it, I was busy,” to an apology “Sorry, I didn’t know it made you feel that way,” or even a unexpected ‘I thought you sent money and a card so you didn’t have to talk to me.’

Sometimes people make very wrong assumptions, and we can stop that by expressing what we mean, rather than leaving it up to interpretation. You just don’t know until you start the conversation.

The risk is that you might not get the answer you were hoping for, or you might not get an answer at all, which is painful, but so is the current situation. Also keep in mind that teens may sometimes shrug their shoulders, but the message may still have been received.

If you want to improve these relationships, also think about what you could do differently to help these relationships thrive. You say they won’t visit you, but can you visit them? Have you tried calling them after a few days to check if they received the card and ask how their birthday was?

How about a more personal gift instead of money? How about a video call every now and then? You see, sometimes we act like the parents/grandparents we had and are reluctant to try new things.

Back to your question: to send or not to send?

Stopping sending a gift without explanation entails risks: what message are you sending? It is unclear. Is grandpa angry or doesn’t he care? Has he forgotten or is he struggling financially? What if you get more of the same, i.e. no response? Will the money you saved compensate for the fact that you now feel even lonelier/ignored?

My suggestion is that if you decide to stop sending a gift, explain the reasons for doing so, otherwise you may be misinterpreted and miss the opportunity to send the message you really want to send to your grandchildren.

Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email her at vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk