I have so much debt that I will never be able to pay it back. Money expert VICKY REYNAL tells you what to do…

I am in a negative emotional spiral because of debt. Things started going wrong a few years ago after my relationship ended and since then it feels like one thing after another. I lost my motivation at work, then I lost my job. I invested in a friend’s business but lost my savings when it went down. I then had no choice but to use my credit card for daily expenses and incurred more debt than I could pay back. I have also borrowed from friends and family who are now also expecting to be paid back. I have recently borrowed more money but at very high interest rates and the chances of me being able to pay back the debt even if I get a job with my previous salary are slim. I feel like my downward spiral will never stop and I am so low that I don’t even bother going for job interviews because I know I will be rejected. How can I get out of this?

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers: Being stuck in a constant spiral of debt can feel demoralizing and frustrating. Although you didn’t mention shame, it sounds like it’s affecting your feelings about yourself and it’s a common result of debt. Not only do we feel guilty about mistakes or choices we’ve made, but we also feel ashamed, as if debt says something about who we are. It’s important to remind yourself that your financial situation doesn’t define you.

Anger, shame, guilt, helplessness are all part of a range of feelings common to people who feel trapped in what is called ‘problem debt’, in other words, debt that is difficult or unlikely to be repaid. It affects both our self-esteem and our mental well-being.

Although you may feel stuck, there are people who can help, and for free. You can contact a debt counselling service such as National Debtline or StepChange, who have expert advisers who can help you prioritise your debts to protect you from adverse outcomes and put a repayment plan in place. They can advise you whether you can apply for a ‘grace period’ to get your finances under control (which, for those who qualify, is a two-month period where interest and charges on debt are frozen).

There are free online help tools on their websites that can help you see options before you speak to someone. Even talking to your bank can generate options that you may not have been aware of.

The most important first step psychologically is to recognize, as you have done, the urgency of addressing the mounting burden of this debt.

Then it’s about finding the strength to make the first phone call. That can be hard too, because sometimes we imagine that the person on the other end of the line will be just as harsh and judgmental as we are.

Sometimes that “inner critic” that speaks in harsh and derogatory language can be based on past experiences. Perhaps you had a parent who was overly critical or a teacher who was very harsh. This is especially true for people who have had the experience of having mistakes met with criticism—or even aggression—rather than forgiveness. If this is the case, it is difficult to shake off the expectation that others will react negatively to us, thus exposing our debt problem.

However, you will likely find that the future does not have to be like the past. Often, people who contact these helplines leave feeling relieved that they have been given options they did not know they had, rather than feeling contemptuously attacked.

Practicing self-compassion is an important part of your journey. When we struggle with our mental health, managing money can be especially difficult. We may make emotional, rather than rational, choices about money and we may hide out of shame, rather than seeking help.

Instead of beating yourself up for what you could or should have done differently, try to forgive yourself. Acknowledge that you were trying to cope with one loss after another (the breakup, the loss of your job). Then focus on what you can do from now on – you can reach out and get the right help.

One of the worst aspects of struggling with debt, from what I hear in my office, is the loneliness. There is something very isolating about carrying around the shame and shame that debt brings. It sounds like you have reached out to family and friends, but perhaps the fact that you now owe them money makes it harder to approach them about your feelings. Don’t let that be a reason to isolate yourself further. Lean on others. There are even online forums (such as The Debt-Free Wannabe board) where people talk about their experiences and find support in the stories of others. If you decide to try this, it is important to pay attention to how you feel. Does it bring you comfort? If so, it can be a resource you can turn to when your “inner critic” starts to cloud your thinking.

Got a question for Vicky? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk