I have cancer. How can I stop my anger from overwhelming me? | Ask Philippa
The question I am a 42 year old woman who is about to undergo a mastectomy to treat breast cancer. I have been feeling more and more of what I believe to be anger, which has always been a difficult emotion for me to experience within myself. In the past I have suppressed it and turned it inward, which has resulted in a depressed mood. However, I feel like I am on the verge of dealing with anger. It is coming. My usual coping mechanism for negative emotions is to shake them out of my body by running, but I wonât be able to do that for a while. I feel like I need to push through the anger and come out the other side, but I am scared. I know the fear and the anger are connected. I worry about the effect anger will have on me, because the only angry woman tropes I know are negative. But more than that, I worry about loved ones, because I donât want my anger to scare them, making me the one walking on eggshells. What I want to know is how to recognize and experience my anger in a healthy way so that I can process it instead of risking it building up and overwhelming me.
Philippa’s answer Society has long held a double standard, where women are expected to suppress their anger while simultaneously showing sadness or vulnerability. Men, on the other hand, are given permission to be angry but discouraged from showing sadness or tears. Even though we intellectually understand that these stereotypes are outdated, they linger and affect our relationship with these emotions. Anger is often stigmatized, especially for women, where expressions of it are seen as shameful. Donât let this stigma get you down. Anger is a perfectly valid and natural response to what you are going through. From your longer letter, which I had to shorten for space reasons, it sounds like you had a terrible role model growing up when it came to learning how to channel anger in productive and non-harmful ways. Because of this, you started to see anger as a bad thing. Change your relationship with your anger.
Think of your anger as the part of yourself that loves you the most. Your anger takes care of you, wants to protect you, tells you what you need, shows you what you want. Anger is good. It gets a bad rap because we havenât all learned how to channel it safely and constructively, but you can do it â and step one is to remember that your anger is on your side. Itâs a useful emotion, a signal that something important is happening inside you, a message that needs attention rather than suppression. Suppressing anger can lead to a depressed mood, as youâve experienced in the past. You have good people around you, youâre loved, you donât have to try so hard to be nice.
Think of anger as a dial, with levels ranging from 1 to 10. Level 1 might be a simple, calm affirmation of a boundary, such as saying, âNo, I wonât do thatâ; level 2 might be, âI donât like it when you do that, do this instead.â As the dial moves up, the expression of anger becomes more assertive, making what you need to say more powerful. At level 10, anger explodes in a way that feels overwhelming and potentially destructive. The goal is to practice recognizing and expressing your anger when itâs at the lower levels of the dial. By acknowledging the initial flare-ups of anger and asserting yourself early, you can often prevent anger from escalating to a 10. Keep practicing: The more you practice expressing anger at the low levels, the more youâll feel in control of it. Using the anger dial at the low numbers releases the pressure before it has a chance to build.
Explore your anger. Notice where you feel it in your body. What parts of your body tense up or collapse? This will make it easier to recognize when it starts. Also, try writing and letting the anger flow uncensored onto the page, so you can process the feeling into words. Artistic expression can be a transformative outlet for anger where words fail. Try throwing a pot of blood-red paint onto a large canvas that you previously painted light pink.
Itâs frustrating not being able to run for a while â another thing to be angry about â but something as simple as hitting a pillow can be a physical outlet for the energy that comes with anger. Once youâve let the energy out in this way, itâs easier to talk to someone else about how youâre feeling in a calmer way.
Talk openly to people close to you. Let them know how you experience your anger. Itâs not so much that they have to walk on eggshells around you, but that you need more attention. Because of what youâre going through â and you can tell them when you do.
The book by Soraya Chemaly Anger becomes her shows us how to embrace anger in a healthy and constructive way. Chemaly offers insights into how to recognize and validate anger, how to express it without self-destruction or harming others. The book encourages women to reclaim their anger and use it as a force for personal and collective empowerment.
You can also talk to the lovely people at Macmillan Cancer Support about how you are feeling (macmillan.org.uk) .
Every week Philippa Perry tackles a personal problem submitted by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our general terms and conditions