I have been a problem drinker for 22 years. Here are 10 things I’ve learned since I quit

TThe first alcoholic drink I had was a lemon Hooch at a gay club called Palm Beach in South London in 1991. For the first time in my life, the anxiety and self-consciousness that I thought was just my personality melted away. A decades-long whirlwind of partying, hangovers and self-destructive behavior ensued, all fueled by trauma and self-loathing. That was until I finally realized that too much was enough and I had to stop. Ten years ago, after 22 years of drinking problems, I shared a bottle of champagne with a friend and threw the bottle and glasses in the trash. I haven’t had a drink since. These are 10 things I learned in those 10 years of being alcohol-free.

Having a problem with alcohol is not about alcohol

As the years of sobriety progressed, I realized that drinking was a symptom of something bigger underneath. I have rarely met an ex-drinker who did not have anxiety, depression or low self-esteem, usually caused by experiences growing up.

For me, it was growing up gay in the 80s and reading that people like me had no future. I’ve seen hundreds of people with different stories but the same outcome: straight men and women who felt unloved, transgender people who were bullied, people whose parents hit them, or shamed them about their appearance or weight, or sexually abused them… the list goes on. Dealing with problem drinking means dealing with what’s underneath. It’s scary at first, but eventually you’ll come to see it as the bravest and best thing you’ll ever do in your life.

There may be clues

It took me a long time to realize I had a problem, but there were clues along the way. Years before I quit drinking, I remember reading an interview in Q magazine where Elton John talked about how he recovered. He said he looked at the Alps from a plane and remembered the piles of cocaine he had snorted. Drugs were not part of me, but I did talk about the part where he said he felt irritable and always unhappy even though he had no reason to do so.

I fled from these signals. I wish I hadn’t done that. You don’t have to wait until you hit rock bottom. Addiction does not discriminate. Some of the most amazing people are down to earth. It’s worth listening to their experiences. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

The best thing about quitting drinking is that you get your feelings back

And the worst thing about quitting drinking is that you get your feelings back, or so the saying goes. If drinking is about relieving pain, when you stop the pain comes back like a tsunami. Decades of repressed memories came rushing back. The time a teacher spanked me when I was eight for something I didn’t do, what it felt like when my ex cheated on me, a person who bullied me at one of my first jobs, and so on. a million other grudges – but also the things I’d done: guilt over a joke I made to a school friend that came out wrong and made him cry, relationship mistakes, the time I almost fell asleep during a photo shoot with Daniel Radcliffe… You will gradually learn how to deal with emotions in a healthier way than just running from them. (Yes, I went back and apologized to that high school friend.)

I’m not the freak I thought I was

A wonderful therapist I met at a retreat told me that it is normal to use “things” to soothe emotional pain. “It’s just human nature,” she said, and that really helped me realize that my worst fears weren’t true: I wasn’t just angry. Life is stressful and we all screw up and we all use things at times to control how we feel: alcohol, sex, smoking, eating too little, eating too much, cleaning, shopping, apologizing, earning too little, too making a lot of money, drugs for some people, countless other things. When I got sober, I realized that dysfunctional coping mechanisms are everywhere. Life is hard. Nobody is perfect. Realizing that I was just a member of the human race and giving myself a break changed my life.

Many men are in a lot of pain

As a gay boy who wasn’t traditionally masculine, I grew up afraid of straight men. And sometimes I still am – some men are scary. But in recovery, I’ve heard big straight men talk about parents who neglected or abused them, cheated on them, or simply didn’t feel good enough growing up because of society’s pressures. I have seen them break down in tears because they have hurt people, or hurt themselves, and I have seen many right the wrongs they made and become great fathers, partners, and citizens. Three-quarters of those who committed suicide in Britain in 2022 were men. My book Straight Jacket helped start a dialogue about the mental health effects of homophobia in the gay community, but many straight men really struggle with it too.

You don’t have to tell everyone

During an extended family event, a family member asked very early on what people were drinking. When I responded, “Just a Diet Coke, please,” my dear father, in front of everyone, happily squeaked, “Yes, he’s an alcoholic!”

You can say you’re on medication, you have allergies, you can just say you don’t drink anymore – or you can say nothing and just say, “No, thank you.” But if you decide to tell people that you have (or had) a problem, know that you can’t take it back. Not drinking is now a minor comment in my life, but there are still judgmental people out there. It’s good to take your time before deciding how to navigate a new reality.

There are many firsts

Your first sober birthday party, Christmas, maybe your first sober date, can be nerve-wracking, but you can absolutely do it. I sweated profusely before my first sober wedding. I thought my friends best man would point me out and everyone would laugh at me, like in Carrie, but no one cared or even noticed. People are much more concerned with their own lives than with yours. Learning to be social without alcohol is a bit like going through puberty again. There will be times when you go to bed early thinking you’re a loser and everyone else has it better, despite the fact that some will end up cheating on their partners and throwing up in their boots. Eventually you will get the hang of it. It is a real joy when you realize that you are one of the lucky ones.

You get what you give

There is a song in the musical Avenue Q about being depressed and isolating yourself called There is life outside your apartment. It really resonated with me. Not wanting to participate, wanting to stay cool, wanting to project an untouchable image to people is part of the problem. When I first started recovering, I did the bare minimum. I would arrive last minute and leave first. When no one spoke to me, I took it as proof that everyone else was horrible and unfriendly.

Once I got over myself and started looking people in the eyes and having conversations, people responded. It’s a cliché, but you get out what you put into it. Now I say hello to my neighbors and look people in the eye. I can’t tell you how much better this makes me feel. I still have anxiety, but I can address some other things causing the anxiety that I could never see before.

Society lies to you

My transformation has been much bigger than just experiencing mornings and having more energy. I have developed more compassion and a better understanding of what drives people to destroy their lives. It’s rarely all their fault. Modern life pushes dysfunction on us like a dealer. Despite the millions of broken relationships, bodies and lives, there is booze everywhere.

In our Instagram culture, we are encouraged to never go deeper. I worked with a man years ago who looked like he had a perfect life. He was handsome and popular; on Facebook he had many photos of himself smiling and surrounded by happy people. When he committed suicide, I realized there were many other things going on. I didn’t know he always carried cans of lager in his bag, the way an asthmatic carries an inhaler. It suits those who benefit most in this world that we never speak the truth and tell the truth.

You can’t do it alone

Whatever is causing the addiction is a hateful bastard. It makes you believe that you are worthless and unlovable. It makes you stoop when you walk down the street and believe that the world is better off without you.

About four years later I got a call from someone I knew saying his friend couldn’t stop drinking and had tried to kill himself – and since I was sober, should I meet him to see if I could help? I was happy with it, but I was afraid he wouldn’t make it. He was in terrible shape, shaking constantly, and then tried to kill himself again. But I shared the advice and support I had received, and other people did the same.

Nowadays he too has been sober for several years, newly married and with a successful new career. The most surprising lesson I’ve learned in these ten years is that life is about being vulnerable, breaking down your walls, and letting the people who care about you care about you. There is a saying: no one else can do it for you, but you can’t do it alone. There is help if you ask for it. Thank you to my friends and family who stood by my side.

Matthew Todd’s Straight Jacket: Overcoming Society’s Legacy of Gay Shame is published by Black Swan (£10.99). To support The Guardian and the Observer, order your copy at Guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply

In Great Britain and Ireland it is Samaritans You can contact the freephone number 116 123, or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie. In the US you can call or text National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 988, chat on 988lifeline.orgor text HOME to 741741 to contact a crisis advisor. In Australia the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at friendsers.org