I am 59 and happily married to a wonderful husband who is ten years older than me. He receives a full state pension. I manage our small business, pay myself around £1,200 and pay £440 into pension every month. All our income goes into one pot that I manage on a daily basis, as my husband is not really interested in the financial management of our household. He is happy to have some cash in his wallet and rarely uses his shared debit card.
We are mortgage-free and have savings of approximately € 400,000. Despite this comfort, I find it difficult to spend money on myself. I’m always looking for the best price in everything – food, travel cosmetics etc.
I don’t buy clothes often and have closets full of old things that I can’t part with. When I was younger, I was a single parent. There was never any extra money and we could barely make ends meet. Although my daughter’s school fees were always paid, I often had to use credit cards so that we had enough to eat. When I met my husband, he supported me in taking over most of the daily expenses. Why can’t I just relax and enjoy life now, without worrying about whether we have saved enough for retirement?
It sounds like you’re holding on to things anxiously (like the old stuff in your wardrobe) and money is one of those things; You hold on to it and have difficulty parting with it, Vicky Reynal answers
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers: I’m sorry to hear that you are finding it difficult to enjoy the money you have. Part of you knows you should just ‘relax and enjoy’, but another part finds it difficult to do that. It sounds like you’re holding on to things anxiously (like the old stuff in your wardrobe) and money is one of those things: you hold on to it and have a hard time parting with it.
Because you have been struggling financially for years, you have been unable to adapt your spending habits to the new financial reality. This is because you may subconsciously fear that things might one day become precarious again (no matter how unrealistic that may be in light of your savings), and you defend against that fear by holding on tightly to what you have.
But I wonder, because it’s not just money that’s hard to part with, whether there isn’t something deeper going on. I wonder if you get a sense of comfort and security from holding on to things, and if you feel very vulnerable when you let them go. I have seen this with clients who were emotionally deprived early in life – who felt like their parents or caregivers were not reliably available. So they hold on to things anxiously as a way to find security and comfort in owning something. They are always afraid that at some point they will remain ‘hungry’. You see, the fear may have to do with an emotional hunger, but in the present we deal with it by using other means: money represents the safety net, the ability to provide for ourselves and never desire more.
Vicky Reynal says the useful question to ask yourself is: How would it feel if I tried to enjoy the money I had?
For many people, the difficulty of spending money may also have to do with the values they grew up with. If you grew up in a family that prides itself on modesty and self-sacrifice, it might be challenging as an adult to buck that model and be more indulgent with your money and your lifestyle.
Hopefully one of these will resonate. The useful question to ask yourself is: How would it feel if I tried to enjoy the money I had? Would it evoke guilt and regret? Or fear, which makes you feel unsafe? Or fear of judgment – and if so, from whom? Try to explain what keeps you from enjoying pleasure and what it feels like. This will give you clues to figure out where the difficulty lies. And once you find it, see if there’s another way to deal with it. If it’s your parents’ lessons about modesty and frugality, do you still subscribe to them? Or have you recorded them too rigidly? Perhaps you can adopt a new, more relaxed definition.
You can also try setting aside a small budget each month for “fun items.” That money, secured in a pot of your choosing, is an amount you can afford, that you can spend and it won’t jeopardize other financial goals.
Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk.
Vicky’s book Money On Your Mind: The Psychology Behind Your Financial Habits, from Bonnier Books, £16.99 is available now.