I ghosted a man after six weeks of dating… now he’s WORKING with me and making my life a living hell

Dear Jane,

Last year I had a short six week relationship with a guy I met on a dating app. I made it clear to him from the start that I didn’t want anything serious, but he pushed more and more that we should be exclusive and sent me aggressive messages that really turned me off.

It got to the point where I was so uncomfortable with his behavior that I just cut off contact with him altogether – albeit without really giving him an explanation as I panicked about how he would react.

Back to two months ago and my boss went to introduce me to a new employee at my company: only for me to discover it was the same guy I had ghosted a few months earlier.

I was absolutely shocked, but I reasoned that if we both just acted professionally, we could get through it without too much drama. Unfortunately, he didn’t seem to have the same attitude and within days of starting the role, he started spreading horrible, vile rumors about me among my colleagues.

He told people I was a serial dater, that I shared sick fantasies with him about my boss, that I told him I used drugs at work… the list goes on.

He has also started undermining everything I do, shutting down my ideas, taking credit for my work, and all in all making my professional life hell.

I tried to talk to him about it and he refused to admit any of this – even though I told him I knew everything came from him. He told me I’m obviously jealous of his success and popularity in the office, and that seems like a “me” problem.

I am honestly at my wits end and am seriously considering quitting my job before this situation can get any more miserable.

Please help me figure out what to do before my career is ruined.

By,

Haunted by my past

Dear haunted by my past,

I wish we all had learned better communication skills so ghosting would be a thing of the past.

While I’m not judging you for ghosting, I can tell you from experience that ghosting someone can cause immense pain to the person being ghosted. Being abandoned without explanation can bring all our insecurities and fears of not being good enough, leaving us wondering what we did wrong for far longer than necessary.

We ghost, as you know, because we’re afraid of confrontation, or have no idea what to say, and it feels easier to stop responding to texts, to ignore phone calls, until someone gets the message.

This man’s vehement response tells me that your ghosting has unleashed something very deep within him, but no matter how much compassion we have for someone in pain, his behavior is unacceptable.

You mention that you tried to talk to him and he refused to admit his bad behavior so now you need to email him.

Explain that his aggressive messages early in your short relationship were off-putting, so much so that you felt intimidated or threatened at the prospect of a direct confrontation. Tell him you recognize that ghosting him wasn’t right, and you can apologize for that.

Then you need to list the behavior and lies he told next, tell him this is not acceptable and if it continues you will move on but hope he can move on from his pain at the rejection and have a mature working relationship.

The purpose of the email is twofold: it’s important that you own your part in it, and more importantly, you need to create a paper trail to protect yourself if necessary.

If he continues his behavior after you send the email, take this email to HR or your boss.

I will also add that people are very quick to notice someone spreading negative gossip. Whatever you do, don’t say anything negative about him or engage in conversations about him. I can imagine that people will start to distrust him very quickly if he continues.

Dear Jane,

I’m in a bit of a bind over what to do with my teenage daughter – who I’ve always banned from having a cell phone.

I think kids’ obsessions with their devices will only cause problems and I want my 16-year-old to embrace the world around her, not the screen in front of her.

However, in recent months she has become increasingly frustrated and angry with this rule, even accusing me of endangering her life because she has no way to call for help when she is out with her friends.

I understand her point to some extent, and I offered her a simple flip phone that allows her to call and text, but doesn’t give her access to those horrible social media apps.

To me it seemed like a reasonable compromise.

Apparently she didn’t feel the same way. She locked herself in her room and has refused to speak to me for the past four days.

I don’t want her to be unhappy and I certainly don’t want her to think she’s being punished – so how can I show her that these rules are to her advantage?

By,

Call Waiting

best call waiting,

I understand your reluctance to give your daughter a phone; it’s easy to dwell in the golden light of nostalgia and long for a world without mobile phones, without the stress of social media, without the constant connectivity of technology.

However, that is not realistic.

I imagine your daughter has a computer, so even if you don’t think she uses these apps, she probably already discovered them on her computer.

As much as we’d love to protect our kids from seeing harsh things, or getting sucked into today’s crazy online world, we’d be shocked at how much they see, how much they know, and how naive we are in thinking we can to protect.

She’s 16 and approaching an age where she can do whatever she wants without you having a say. I think it’s better that you buy her a phone and then be able to have conversations around the parameters you’ve set.

There are a lot of apps out now that give you parental controls and limit the time she can be on her phone so instead of making her feel like she’s being punished by not having the phone in the first place you can actually have a lot more control by giving her the phone.