I found out that my “nice” husband is actually a cruel and abusive NARCISSIST

Dear Jane,

I married my second husband thinking he was a wonderful person – only to discover he is a cruel narcissist that I can’t escape now.

I met my current husband when I was still married to my abusive ex. I had three children with my first husband and he abused all of us. During that marriage I met the man who would become my second husband.

He was an older retired military man who was warm and funny and acted like he really cared about me and my kids. It seemed like he could provide everything I wanted in a relationship and his support finally gave me the courage to leave my ex once and for all. My kids and I moved in with the military – and it went great at first.

But his behavior changed overnight. It was as if his emotions had vanished. After months of kindness and generosity, it all vanished. He became increasingly cruel and demanding, barking orders at me and my children.

When my kids break his strict rules, he forces them to sit in a corner for hours, ignores them while they cry – and yells at me when I try to intervene.

It feels like I can’t do anything right. When I do chores, I don’t do them properly. If I say something nice to him, I try to kiss him. He criticizes my appearance, my clothes, my weight… and when I get angry, he says I’m just insecure.

But when we leave our house, he’s the same nice, funny guy I met all those months ago. He tells jokes, he’s so nice to people, and when we’re around others, he’s really nice to me. Then we go home and he snaps back into his cold, cruel self.

I feel like I’m going crazy. I’ve tried to tell him how I feel, but he just shrugs off my feelings, tells me I’m paranoid and that I’m trying to make him feel bad – when all he’s been trying to do is help me.

It’s like being with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde lives and I don’t know how much longer I can handle it.

Van, a survivor

Dear Survivor,

You’re not going crazy. Survivor, you live with a man who doesn’t value you, who abuses not only you, but your children, and nothing he does falls within the realm of love or healthy relationships.

I understand your fear and frustration. You never wanted to repeat that pattern and yet here you are again. It’s not uncommon to see people subconsciously attracting the same abusive partners, even though every conscious part of you wants things to be different.

The fact that he is only nice when people are around tells me, and I suspect anyone reading this, that this man is not the man you should be with.

There is a woman in my social circle that I have always liked. Whenever we were in the same group of women, she was warm, talkative, funny, engaged. But when we went out she treated the waiters and waitresses like dirt. She was rude and superior, and I knew then that I would never be friends with her.

How you treat people when no one is looking is how you show your character. This woman’s character is terrible. Just like this guy you’re dating is horrible, despite the crumbs he throws at you when people are watching. How he treats you when it doesn’t matter is key to this.

I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this again, especially when it was the last thing you wanted.

Your description of his behavior towards your children is terrifying. You need to get yourself out of this relationship, and quickly.

And then, Survivor, you need to find a really good therapist, because a sad truth like a cow in life is that we are destined to repeat unhealthy patterns until we fix the reason why we subconsciously attract them.

When we get into repeated abusive relationships – and make no mistake, your relationship with this man is abusive – we often repeat patterns from our childhood. Maybe your parents were abusive, maybe you got smaller, you were mistreated, or you felt unworthy.

Either way, chances are you’re recreating very old patterns, and until you do the work to teach yourself that you’re worthy of being treated with kindness, respect, and love, you’ll continue to attract the same type of man because we repeat what we don’t fix.

My first advice to you is to protect your children and yourself by ending it with this man. I don’t know where you live, but I would contact your local group that supports victims of domestic violence for help and advice. And then, Survivor – who deserves to be loved and treated right – get into therapy so you never have to go through this again.

I send you all my support and love.

Dear Jane,

I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer six months ago and have undergone rather aggressive treatment.

I made the decision to have a double mastectomy fairly early on and have since undergone chemotherapy, which has caused most of my hair to fall out. And that is it. I’m not asking for sympathy because of my illness, but rather some advice on how to deal with a friend’s reaction to it.

A friend I had previously considered one of my closest has actually disappeared from my life since I was diagnosed.

While so many people in my life—including some I haven’t spoken to in years—have gathered around me and offered unwavering support, I’ve only seen this one friend once since I broke the news to her. And that was with a group of people and the whole time it felt like she was avoiding talking to me one-on-one.

Maybe I’m being overly sensitive (chemo will do that to you!) but I’ve made several attempts to reach out, to ask if she wants to meet, to ask her to just talk, and she always made an excuse. She’s too busy with work, she has a dentist appointment, her kids have to shuffle to play dates…the list goes on.

We saw each other at least once a week, and it’s only since my diagnosis that she doesn’t seem to have time for me.

I can’t help feeling terribly betrayed. Losing my hair is one thing, but I can’t bear the thought of losing someone I care about so much to cancer.

I don’t know if I should confront her or just let her out of my life for good.

Any advice you can give is greatly appreciated.

Van, at a loss

Dear at a loss,

I’m so sorry you’re undergoing cancer treatment, and I’m even more sorry that a friend you love has gone missing.

The point is that serious illness, death, the hard things life throws at us can be terrifying to those we love, and instead of not knowing what to say, sometimes they don’t say anything at all. Not everyone has the ability to handle the tough stuff, and you may have to decide if this is a friendship you want to continue.

I don’t know if your friend has the ability to be the person you need, but I do know that you need to express how you feel. Whether in person or in a letter, you need to tell her how hurt you are. How she reacts, and if she reacts at all, will show you if she’s someone you should keep having in your life.

I’m going to share my own story because I’ve been through something similar. When I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, I sent an email to my closest friends to inform them. I heard back from everyone. Except one. My best friend. When I ran into her unexpectedly a few weeks later, she made a light-hearted joke that she needed a checkup, and that was that. I felt as bewildered, hurt and confused as I can imagine you feeling right now. I wrote her a letter explaining how I felt. I told her I believed she loved me and couldn’t understand how she could be so arrogant. I told her how hurtful her silence was, like making a joke when my life felt like it was on the line.

She returned the warmest, most apologetic and remorseful letter. Yes, she loved me and hadn’t realized how arrogant she had been. A few years later, she remains one of my close friends. If I hadn’t written to her, if she couldn’t hear me, we wouldn’t be friends anymore.

Find a way to tell your friend how you feel, how scary cancer is, how you need your friends to be there for you right now, in a way that you normally wouldn’t. Tell her you understand this is difficult for some people, and if she doesn’t have the capacity, she should tell you.

The most important thing here is that you can express your feelings. Then you drop the chips where they can. I wish you health and happiness on this journey and that you are surrounded by people who can catch you if you fall.