The question I am a 30 year old man who works in mental health. I have to get married in a few months. I don’t want to invite my father. He and I have been estranged for years. We have each other’s mobile numbers, but we don’t use them. My father has a lifelong alcohol use disorder (AUD). He was a violent man. When I was eleven, my mother managed to divorce him. We’ve mostly broken up since then, but his side of the family still tries to guilt trip me into taking care of him.
I have grown up, studied and am now enjoying my career. I have come to understand more about addiction. I don’t feel any resentment towards him and tend to see this in a matter-of-fact way. I have no affection for this man, who happens to be my father. I came to see him as any other person with AUD, but someone who happened to father me for a short period of time. (I don’t have fond memories of the time we shared in the same household.)
But as we get closer to the wedding day, I fear the absence of the groom’s father will become noticeable and commented on, as the bride will have both her parents there. I feel no love or attachment to him. My partner and her family say they will support me whatever decision I make. Can you help me feel a little more at ease, or less afraid of not inviting him?
Philippa’s answer What is it about weddings that makes us believe we have to follow so many protocols and rules? You wouldn’t hesitate to not invite your father to another event. What is the cultural norm we are trying to squeeze into here? Is there shame? Rationally, you know that having an irresponsible, violent, drunken father isn’t your fault, and yet I wonder if you feel like it’s somehow shameful not to invite him. Do you imagine people disapproving of you for not having it there? Not inviting him is the lesser of two evils, but it seems like it’s still an evil of sorts. I think I would feel the same in your shoes, but why? You know what you want to do, but self-doubt creeps in. I was wondering if I should tell you to invite him. Because then you are more likely to rise up in the opposition and be more determined to say no. But paradoxical interventions are risky and I really wouldn’t want you to have your dad at the wedding if you don’t want him there.
When people are confronted with the concept of a wedding, they have expectations. You’re probably bombarded with cultural norms and “shoulds” from friends, family, and even Instagram, and I expect you feel some pressure to conform. You, like me, are a mental health professional, so you may know from experience that it can be easier to recognize someone else’s problems than our own. A difficult childhood may mean that as children we had a little voice in our heads that said something like, “If only I were good, Dad would stop yelling.” Children tell themselves these things and take responsibility for their treatment, because if they believed they were powerless (as they are), it would be too frightening. It’s too scary to believe that someone out of control was in charge of them, or that they had no power whatsoever to make their father love them and stop being drunk. Feeling responsible gives them hope that if they just did it right, the awfulness would stop.
I imagine something like that is in your subconscious and you are once again confronted with the possibility of doing right or wrong for other people, or even for him. Rationally you know it’s not your fault he has an alcohol addiction, but I wonder if the little child in you wants to do what he thinks is the right thing. You say your father is like any other addict of you, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how you want to think about him, instead of how deep down you really feel about him. Maybe there is the spirit of the child inside you that thinks, “If only I could do this right.”
We want to be “good” and do things “right” for the friends and family we care about because we want to be accepted, belong, and be loved. You may not be pressured to invite him, but you may be pressured about the meal, the ceremony and the flowers – so this wedding may become something that has to be ‘good’, and then who you invite is part of that. correctness.
Trust your instincts, stay true to yourself and don’t invite him. Inviting non-reformed alcoholics to weddings is often a terrible idea, no matter how closely related they are to the bride or groom, and you also don’t want someone present to whom you feel (largely) indifferent. Yes, people can comment on his absence; it’s not a reflection on you if they do. It is absolutely okay not to follow every cultural norm of the wedding ritual.
For help with these issues, visit Adfam (adfam.org.uk); Al Anon (al-anonuk.org.uk) or DrugFAM (drugfam.co.uk)
Every week, Philippa Perry tackles a personal problem submitted by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your concern to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Our general terms and conditions apply to entries