A woman has been criticized online after asking for advice on whether she should let her mother-in-law visit her newborn – some called her “vengeful”.
The Australian-based mum took to UK forum Mumsnet to gather opinions on her dilemma and reveal why she doesn’t want her husband’s mum to visit them.
In a lengthy post, the anonymous poster said she already has a five-year-old and is expecting a baby soon.
Her mother comes to visit and her mother-in-law, who lives two days’ drive away, also wants to visit, but the poster states that the woman “never asks if [she] is ok’, and doesn’t help enough with her other son.
She also said the woman is not up to date on vaccines and is also “the type who just focuses on the baby and I wouldn’t get any help at all.”
An anonymous woman has revealed online that she doesn’t want her mother-in-law to visit, sparking angry reactions from forum users (stock image)
Her message read, “I will try to keep it concise. Live in Australia, have a 5 year old with childhood diabetes and baby #2 on the way. They may have the same condition, making them both extra vulnerable to routine illness.
‘Man often works offshore and cannot return home easily. In-laws are a short flight or 2 days away.
My AIBU is: My MiL keeps asking to come visit our baby in the few weeks after he is born. I definitely don’t want to say for the following reasons:
‘-They have met my toddler 3 times while they visit once a year and we have gone to see them once (only since we moved to Aus they never asked to come to the UK when he was born or the first 2 years of his life).
‘-They never ask if I’m okay. Never offer help in an emergency when my husband is away and unreachable. Last month I was hospitalized and my child had to spend 2 days at my friend’s house and not once did MIL contact me or offer to come and help. I know it’s a long way but the offer alone or asking if I’m ok would have meant a lot!
-She has cousins 4 times a week (and one night) for BIL/SIL who also have other home help for childcare. No reason, they just seem to get as much help as possible with their kids. What annoys me is that she often uses this as the reason she can’t come over. “I have the kids that day, so I can’t travel.” The childcare is a bonus no need!
“All of this makes me feel like my family and my kids are only useful if it fits into her schedule and in front of her other grandkids, and since she’s an anti-vaxxer who comes by only once a year anyway when it suits her and never ever offers help in an emergency when I really need it, I feel like telling her no.” Absolutely not.
“She can’t come as I just had a new baby and am recovering. She’s the type that just focuses on the baby and I wouldn’t get any help at all.
According to the poster, there are a number of reasons why she doesn’t want her mother-in-law to visit once she has the baby.
“Instead, my mum offers to fly to Aus for a month and hopefully the dates work out!”
Her message continued, “AIBU [Am I Being Unreasonable] to tell MIL she can’t come to our newborn. She can come as soon as we know if he has any health issues (since she’s anti-vax) and so would he be a few months old at that point?
“My husband said he’s not sure how things will go when my mom comes, but I really don’t care anymore.
“My mum has been to Australia and is financially worse off than MIL, but prioritizes visiting us and her grandchild (and she has others she sees often).”
While some said the poster was well within her right to prevent her mother-in-law from visiting, the majority felt she was unfair in treating her husband’s mother differently from hers.
Among those who supported her position, one wrote that the mother-in-law could pose a health threat: “It is far too dangerous for an unvaccinated person to come into contact with a newborn baby.”
Some respondents thought the poster was reasonable
Another added, “You’re doing the right thing! Tell her she needs whooping cough vaccination to come over. It looks like she won’t, so it’ll be up to her to cancel, not you.’
And a third wrote: ‘Of course you are not being unreasonable. You want to take all necessary steps to protect your newborn’s health until you know the situation.
“If MIL is a caring grandmother, she would like to visit after a month because she wants to support her, or she can easily get her shots and take the necessary precautions to see her grandchild sooner.
“It is MIL who gives her the ultimatum with her behavior. Unfortunately, stopping a MIL from doing something around her, no matter how reasonable, usually ends up in a tantrum from all the other MILs.”
However, many found her position indefensible and were not retarded in saying so.
One wrote: ‘Sorry but no. You won’t get your mom to visit for a month, but say no to your MIL not seeing her new grandchild at all in those few weeks.
“I am the mother of adult daughters and I would be shocked if my daughters took that attitude towards their MILs. And I’d be embarrassed to stay while the other grandparent was kept away.”
Another concurred, sharing a similar post stating, “One day you may be the MIL.
“How do you feel when you can’t visit your GC? [grandchild]?’
A third wrote, “You don’t like her, but it’s her grandchild, and to keep her from seeing them seems pretty mean, IMO.”
Many of the forum users felt that the poster was unfair to her mother-in-law and shared their reasons why they felt that way
And a fourth agreed, adding: ‘Apparently the child’s father is not getting the chance to show his new baby to his parents. But he has to host his own MIL for a month.”
Meanwhile, a fifth said: ‘I can’t believe what I’m reading!
‘Jaboo [You Are Being Unreasonable].
‘You can’t be serious about not allowing your mother to see her grandchild.
Why is your family given priority? Your poor DH.’