‘I can only love 100% or 0%’: Chris Packham on navigating a neurodiverse relationship

Chris Packham, 63, naturalist and Charlotte Corney, 47, zookeeper

Chris: I can’t love Charlotte 99.9%. That doesn’t exist in my world. I can only offer Charlotte 100% of myself – or 0%. The 100% commitment, which used to be suffocating in relationships, is something that I hope gives Charlotte a degree of security.

I’ve been in a number of stable, monogamous relationships, all of which lasted five to seven years. They all reached their full term because, as socially as I dealt with my neurodiversity, I didn’t have to deal with it at home. I couldn’t let my guard down and that was always a challenge for my partners.

I now have slightly better control over my obsessive personality. That means not fully exposing Charlotte to my obsessions and forcing her to be a part of them, which I did in previous relationships – while at the same time being quite ruthless when partners wanted me to do something they appreciated and I didn’t . ‘T.

I saw no contradiction in this approach, because I live in a didactic, black and white world. I felt that I was right and that what they were asking of me was completely unnecessary. When I did what they asked of me, I did it under duress: I sat in the corner and didn’t communicate, or got completely broken down and said completely inappropriate things. Now I just refuse to do things I don’t want to do: I don’t go to Charlotte’s friends’ weddings or meet her friends for coffee and a chat, and she accepts that.

My relationship of 17 years with Charlotte is different because of basic maturity. If I had met Charlotte when I was younger, chances are the relationship would have failed and it would have been my fault.

I know Charlotte would like there to be more sweetness in our relationship, and she probably means the kind of things you see when you watch a movie. But I don’t need to pursue that in my life because I don’t see the need for constant positive reinforcement. For example, if I say that Charlotte looks nice, it is because I am actively thinking about it at that moment.

We sometimes misunderstand each other. The other day she was late – she’s not a good time manager – and I said it seemed like she was doing it on purpose. She denied it, but I’m so organized that I don’t understand how anyone could be late.

There is no doubt in my mind that Charlotte supports me in every aspect of life. I don’t need her to go through awkward scenarios to demonstrate that. I just need to know – and I do.

Charlotte: For the first three years of our relationship, Chris didn’t tell me he was autistic because he thought he could mask his condition. However, that’s not how it felt to me, and I don’t think I handled the relationship very well until I knew about his diagnosis. I used to get even more upset about things than I do now sometimes because I couldn’t explain them. It’s a lot better to know the reason for his behavior because I can draw on a whole universe of knowledge and research.

Chris’s response when I talk about more quality time together is simplistic. He sees it in terms of a hierarchy of needs alongside all the other demands on his time. I see it as a real need – not only for me, but also for the relationship. But because Chris doesn’t need it himself, it feels like he has no desire to put me or us at that level of importance.

His honesty can be a bit brutal and, if I’m in the wrong frame of mind, disturbing. As long as I’m prepared for an honest answer to a question, it’s fine. But above all, his directness gives me a sense of security: I never float around, not knowing where I am, because I absolutely know. I do get words of affirmation from Chris, but he won’t say nice things just to keep the relationship going.

I have to be very active in maintaining my position within the relationship. The partners of people with autism can often lose themselves a little: our needs are not as strong as theirs. If you’re not careful, you can forfeit certain aspects of your own needs and end up spinning around in them.

Although I am now more relaxed about things that I would have been more pushy about in the past, I do think carefully about how his mind works so that I can navigate through it and get my feelings fully acknowledged. It’s about trying to embrace our differences, rather than forcing one of us to be more like the other.

Richard38, and Roxanne Pink, 39, both authors and entrepreneurs

Ricardo: Before I understood that Rox had ADHD, our relationship went through some really rough patches because all I could think was that some of her behavior was on purpose and indicated that she didn’t care about me. But now I feel like her ADHD has been a blessing in disguise: the amount of work we’ve had to do over the past four years to understand each other has made this the best relationship ever.

I’ve had to rethink many of the basic expectations of neurotypical relationships: that you be on time to meet, that you text each other during the day, or that you remember birthdays and anniversaries. Rox just can’t do any of this, so if I held on to the belief that she needed to show her love for me in these specific ways, I would be setting her up for failure. Now I understand that, I’ve also realized that those things don’t have to matter, because Rox shows her love for me all the time, just in different ways.

However, I don’t think I’ve compromised more than they have. When she does something that a neurotypical person would consider small, like picking up her clothes off the floor, I know how challenging that would have been for her and how it was an act of love for me. I make sure I acknowledge that.

The positive aspects of Rox’s ADHD far outweigh the negative aspects. There is loads of fun, laughter and spontaneity. She has so much creative energy and great ideas.

A few years into our relationship, Rox told me she was in love with someone else. It was brutal, but it was a defining moment. I could see how scared and confused she was. How she hated herself for these feelings. But I could also tell that she was trying to do things differently than in her previous relationships: she shared it with me and not just ended our relationship and acted on it, which she had done in the past. It was at that moment that we entered true love, where you really commit.

Roxanne: Rich reminded me of our first anniversary twice in the run-up and I still forgot. When I assured him I had it under control, I pretended – because who forgets their anniversary with the love of their life? Well, it turns out to me. It’s humiliating and embarrassing, but memory problems are among the diagnostic criteria for ADHD.

I’ve had to work really hard to be honest with myself and with Rich, because if I act like everything is under control, I’m guaranteed to make a mistake, and that will upset Rich.

Once I stopped masking, our relationship deepened: Rich understood what was making me feel overwhelmed and was able to talk me through the basic steps of what I needed to do. That deep level of communication made me feel truly loved for the first time.

The fact that Rich understands that I have done my best when I do something that to other people would be a very small thing, like picking up my clothes off the floor, makes me want to cry, because historically I have been told that I am stupid, lazy and careless – that I have to try harder. And that when I tried my best, I still failed because, guess what, I’m a failure. The story in my head was one of constant negativity. Rich changed all that. He understands me.

That said, if I hadn’t been diagnosed with ADHD about a year after we got together, I think we might have broken up. It took a lot of work to learn the understanding, communication and accommodation.

My ADHD brings a lot of positivity to our relationship: I have so much zest for life, so much energy. I’m constantly thinking of awesome, random things we can do together. There is so much joy in delusions. My hyperfocus can be a superpower because my motivation to have fun and be happy with Rich is amazing.

Batou Gomis, 33her stylist And Aidan Martin, 34, singer-songwriter

Batou: Where I come from, in Normandy, France, no one talks about mental health issues. To make it even more complicated, where my family comes from, in Africa, not only do you not talk about your emotions, but being gay just doesn’t mean anything.

Aidan and I met in London about twelve years ago and were best friends for eight years before we got together. I don’t think our relationship would have lasted if we hadn’t been friends for so long beforehand: I didn’t know he had ADHD. I just thought he was an eccentric person.

While we lived together, in other relationships, I learned to understand and respect him. I realized that you cannot extract the usual meanings from his behavior. I discovered that he had integrity – even though his behavior sometimes gave the impression to someone else that this was not the case. Now I don’t take it personally when he does things that would be rude and indifferent to other people.

There are many positive aspects to being in a relationship with someone with ADHD. I like it because you don’t get bored. There’s always something going on with Aidan: his mood goes up and down, you don’t know what to expect. He is spontaneous, fun and everywhere at the same time.

Aidan: For me it’s a miracle that we’ve been together for four years: before Batou, I hadn’t been in a relationship for more than six months. The fact that I haven’t run out the door looking for someone new – in fact, we’re engaged – is something I’m extremely proud of.

He already knew me, warts and all, by the time we got together. I didn’t have to fake anything. He understands me as a complete person. I appreciate that so much that the ADHD part of my brain has had to grow a spine and stop being so flippant and impulsive in this relationship.

One of the brilliant things Batou does is give my ADHD space. He gives me space to be intense, to walk around, to turn around, to cry. He just lets me be myself.

I knew since childhood that I probably had ADHD. I’ve always been a bit all over the place, but I’m also very organized. That dynamic can be difficult for Batou because when I want something done, I want it right now and I’ll go on and on about it. Batou is so relaxed that he misses flights.

Communication has been crucial. We almost broke up recently because Batou was raised not to talk about emotions, while I need to talk about my feelings a lot and hear how he feels.

I would like us to adopt a child in a few years. I want to feel like the responsible man in the house. The protector and the provider. I’ve always felt like a weak failure, but having a child would give me the opportunity to care for someone else. To be there for them. Be an adult.