bAs a self-employed person, I’m familiar with the ebb and flow of my bank account: the relief of paying bills, the dismay when the accounts run dry again. My vigilance, which often borders on fear, never disappears.
What I find in my banking app has the power to influence my day, and whether I feel a lightness of step or a cloud overhead.
Food and energy prices have risen; salaries and rates are not. Few people would say they don’t feel the pressure, especially at this time of year. Every festive invitation seems to come with a price tag—and I never feel more confused about needs versus wants than when I’m bombarded with holiday sale emails.
At the same time, my concerns about money are not entirely rooted in reality. I may not have a salary and benefits, or a partner to split the bills, but in other ways I’m in a solid place: I own my home, my overhead costs are low, and I have savings.
Compared to many others, I am in a good position. So why do I struggle to believe it?
The truth is, money is never just about dollars or pounds, says Elizabeth Husserl, a registered investment advisor and author of The Power of Enough: Finding Joy in Your Relationship with Money.
“Money is very personal, and so is our experience with it,” she says via Zoom. “The same amount can mean different things to different people based on lifestyle, choices and desires.”
Rising prices and tighter margins cause feelings of discomfort and anxiety, causing us to focus on making more money as a way to escape. Husserl calls this the “abundance-scarcity cycle”.
While understandable, this fixation on earning or saving “can affect other aspects of life that bring us well-being,” Husserl says. We might work to the detriment of our health, or neglect our relationships in favor of chasing an imaginary future point where money won’t be an issue.
Financial health “creates a very important foundation,” Husserl says. Not being able to cover the essentials of life causes stress and existential instability; there is also a well-documented association between having financial problems and struggling with mental health.
Our relationship with money can take a psychological toll, and it’s important to take steps to protect our well-being, even in the face of real and pressing financial problems.
There are only so many hours in the day you can spend applying for jobs or scrutinizing your bank balance, Husserl points out – but by making time to meet your other needs, such as connection, you may be able to find work opportunities or offers for find support.
On the other hand, people who are in a relatively stable position can become fixated on their financial position, to the detriment of their well-being, says Husserl: “It’s about what is a perceived fear versus a real fear… we can find the right finding alignment .”
At its worst, the cycle of abundance and scarcity can lead people to think that no amount of money will ever be enough, Husserl says. “Then you look back and think, ‘Well, that wasn’t fun – how much I worked and how much I sacrificed.’
Some people spend their entire lives saving and die before they can enjoy the rewards, Husserl says. Others retire and discover they have no idea how to find fulfillment outside of work, and “have a huge identity crisis,” she says.
Fixating on financial security can actually distract us from getting to know ourselves or recognizing unmet needs – for example, for intimacy or purpose. “Sometimes we just throw money at problems to avoid feeling the shame,” Husserl says.
A lot of retail therapy is driven by people wanting something to show off during long hours at work or to make their stressful job feel worth it – but even a high salary doesn’t necessarily compensate for toiling indefinitely in a job you hate, says Husserl: “That’s a good example of how we scapegoat money.”
Likewise, security can also take the form of strong relationships or robust physical health – both easy to neglect in the pursuit of greater savings or a better lifestyle.
By recognizing the emotional impulses behind our spending and saving, we can not only better manage our finances but also understand how to feel more satisfied with what we have, says Husserl.
One of her clients spent too much money on dates, but felt dejected by the experience. After realizing he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship, he chose to give dating a break and instead indulge in a regular massage, satisfying his need for physical touch.
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And while cutting out coffee is often presented as an easy way to save money, those expenses can be worth it if trips to the local cafe are an important source of social connection, connection or community.
As crucial as it is to have a financial plan and ensure our basic obligations are met, money “cannot be our only sense of security,” says Husserl. “We have to stop the goalposts and say, ‘Why do I keep moving them?’”
Husserl’s goal with customers is to create a conscious relationship with money that enables ease and even joy. “We are looking for a sustainable path to make money, spend money, invest and enjoy your life,” she says.
This includes broadening our definition of wealth, Husserl says. Money can be such a charged topic because it is intertwined with our understanding of self-worth.
Although it is trite to say that happiness cannot be bought, money can act as a mirror, Husserl says, drawing our attention to the areas where we feel our lives are lacking. “Wealth means living a meaningful life,” she says. “That’s actually what we’re all longing for.”
She suggests starting by imagining or recording a conversation involving money, approaching it as you would approach a person, and taking note of any thoughts and feelings that arise: is the emotional tenor grasping, anxious, angry, impressed?
To break the habits of what Husserl calls the “scarcity brain,” it’s also helpful to slow down—both before spending money and when enjoying experiences.
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This helps us know what kinds of expenses bring us value and where we can potentially save, says Husserl: “You start to distinguish between what is an obligation and what feels like something you want to do.”
One way to be satisfied with what you have is to tune in to the true “richness of life,” says Husserl.
During the holidays, that might mean prioritizing traveling for quality time with friends and family, rather than panic buying gifts. If you’re feeling restless at work, make plans for the coming year instead of going shopping to fill the void.
Talking to Husserl clarifies some of my thinking about finances, moving the needle from worries about vacation costs to acceptance—and even a hint of expectation. While my expenses will inevitably be high this month, I am reminded that this is typical of this time of year; I feel both more confident in my ability to recover and more connected to my broader financial goals.
That clarity helps ease my guilt about constantly reaching for my credit card, while also keeping me from overindulging in seasonal sales. After taking a clear-eyed look at my finances, I find myself with a renewed sense of gratitude. My banking app may not bring glad tidings, but it does make me feel rich in other ways.