I borrowed £500 from my girlfriend, who is very wealthy, to invest in my start-up, but despite my best efforts I can’t pay her back.
Should I ask her to forget my debt?
BB via email
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal answers: You asked your girlfriend to invest in your jewelry business and promised to pay her back before Christmas.
But you tell me in your email that you only sold one piece and you can’t afford to get rid of the debt. You offered her a piece of jewelry instead, but she honestly told you that it wasn’t her style that you found annoying.
Borrowing from a friend can create a complex emotional dynamic. You may have borrowed the money with the best intentions, but the challenges of starting a business bring disappointment.
It’s hard enough to face the setbacks in your projects, but letting down a friend who believed in you can make these feelings even harder to deal with.
What you do next can determine the course of the friendship.
Vicky Reynal says it’s important that you respect your friend’s choice not to accept the jewelry as a refund
While £500 may seem like a small amount to your friend, it’s the principle behind the loan – and your agreement – that carries the real weight here.
This is not so much about the money, but about what the money represents: a promise. It comes with the trust, support and belief in you that she showed by lending you the money.
Not appreciating this would have a negative impact on your relationship.
It is important that you respect your friend’s choice not to accept the jewelry as a refund. This is her money, which she lent you in good faith. Any expectation that she will forgive the loan would also be unfair as this is not the deal you have.
I wonder if you would make the same assumption if your friend wasn’t rich, and if you might feel some of the envy associated with her financial situation.
Or is this about a broader dynamic of inequality in your relationship and do you actually feel like she ‘owes’ you somehow?
Your anger at her unwillingness to accept the jewelry instead or to help with your business may also be a response to your wounded pride; struggling to meet this financial obligation can bring up feelings of failure.
Sometimes, when shame is difficult to deal with, we can project it onto others: maybe it’s easier to be angry with her and think she should be ashamed for not forgiving your loan than to deal with your own sense of shame about all this?
It’s important to have an open and honest conversation with your friend about the situation. Make sure you don’t avoid her or the subject and don’t wait until the loan is late and she has to bring it up first.
Find a good time to talk, without other people around (and without rushing), and explain the reality of your financial situation as openly as possible.
Vicky Reynal says that as a sign of goodwill you can even offer to pay a small amount of interest
Show that you plan to pay her back in full and present a plan for how to do that. For example, you can make small sacrifices every week, regardless of the number of months, or sell some items on eBay/Vinted, or whatever other solution you can think of.
Ask her what she thinks about your plan and leave room for her feelings: she has the right to be angry, but will hopefully show sympathy and flexibility.
As a sign of goodwill, you can even offer to pay a small amount of interest to acknowledge that you are not adhering to the original agreement and that this may incur costs (both emotional and financial) that you want to acknowledge and recover.
However, if she decides to forgive your debt, it must come from her as a spontaneous and voluntary act of generosity. The best thing you can do is approach her with vulnerability and openness, in the hope that the two of you can come to an agreement that will leave the friendship untouched by this setback.
Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk