I am in a platonic marriage – we sleep in different rooms and date other people

A woman has candidly revealed that she and her husband have a ‘platonic marriage’ – claiming it works better for them than a traditional partnership.

Kate, 40, realized how “co-dependent” she and husband Matt had become during their 15-year marriage, and they decided to make some changes.

The health care professional from Portland, Oregon, sought advice from a therapist, and together the couple decided to open up their relationship and find other partners – all while staying together.

Now, six years later, the couple claim their new situation works best for them, despite no longer having sex and sleeping in separate beds.

A woman has candidly revealed she and her husband have a ‘platonic marriage’ – and claims it works better for them than a traditional partnership

Kate, 40, realized how ‘co-dependent’ she and her husband, Matt, had become during their 15-year marriage, and they decided to make some changes

Kate says: ‘Before we considered non-monogamy, we had looked at divorce.

‘Our relationship changed over the ten years together and we had a few friends who were polyamorous.

‘It wasn’t something we had thought about until our physical relationship ended and we became platonic.

“(Now) my husband and I have separate bedrooms and we are platonic partners.

“Our other partners usually have one bedroom (at their home), but we plan sleepovers and usually it works out (and) no one sleeps on the couch.”

Kate and Matt both went into the new format with an open mind, but initially struggled with feelings of jealousy around becoming intimate with others and developing feelings for someone else.

She shared, “We fought and worked very hard to find and maintain boundaries and navigate everything.

‘Sometimes (I get jealous), but this is a secondary emotion.

The couple decided to open their relationship and find other partners while staying together

Now, six years later, the couple say their new situation works best for them, despite no longer having sex and sleeping in separate beds.

‘I have learned from experience that jealousy usually stems from insecurity.

“I think the last time I was jealous in any capacity was when a partner rescheduled a date night with me to spend time with a new partner.”

Kate added: ‘Effective communication is usually my solution to most problems.

“Compared to where we are now, it’s hard to imagine that we have the same problems.

‘We couldn’t even talk about physically intimate things, but now we have moments like, “I’m running to the adult toy store – do you have any good lube?”

“Our friendship has healed a lot throughout our journey.”

At home, the two have separate rooms, which Kate says has “helped us find our autonomy and express who we are as individuals, while deconstructing our co-dependency on each other.”

She added: ‘Sex has never been and is never the top priority in relationships, despite how social norms try to dictate that.’

The couple, who have known each other since childhood, now enjoy different partners that they meet online or in their area.

Kate (pictured with her other partner) shared: ‘Before we considered non-monogamy we had looked at divorce’

Kate (pictured with Matt) shared: ‘My goal is to just normalize non-monogamy, even if it’s just through my own lived experience’

Matt has a girlfriend, whom he has been with for five years.

However, Kate has three committed partners, a few “play partners” and other flirty friends and crushes.

One of her partners is also married, while another of her partners is solo polyamorous and has no one else in his love life.

A third partner, who is also married, is also in ‘pressure’ with her wife and their girlfriend.

While they don’t have any rules, there are some boundaries to keep things fair for all parties involved.

Kate said: ‘Some of the boundaries I have in relationships are mainly around sexual health and safety.

‘Every three months I test for STDs. I also use PreP and I ask my partners to test regularly as well and to disclose any risk factors, such as fluid bonding with a new partner or any changes in their partner’s status.

‘There will always be risks associated with being sexually active, but an open and honest dialogue is crucial.

“We don’t use rules because that can be very hierarchical and most of us prefer not to practice hierarchy in any of our relationships.”

Fortunately, they have had the full support of their friends and family and although they have received some criticism online, they are happy.

Kate added: “Our friends have been some of our strongest supporters in our transition.

‘We had several polyamorous friends who helped us a lot in the beginning and also gave us a step-by-step plan of the pitfalls they experienced.

Matt has a girlfriend with whom he has been together for five years (pictured together)

‘My family has also been very supportive. MMy mom and dad even took my partner and I to Las Vegas for my birthday.

‘My parents are old hippies, so they’re not that easy to shock.

‘Of course they had questions, but ultimately they discovered that monogamy worked for them, but it wasn’t for everyone.

‘I feel very privileged that my family is so accepting. I know very well that for many people in non-monogamy, that is not the case.

“Being online and open about polyamory has been a wild ride.

“Thankfully, I’ve found more friends and built a bigger community, and I’ve had more than a few crushes on some of those friends.”

Kate shared, “As a community, most of us who practice non-monogamy get tired of hearing the same repetitive questions and criticisms, like jealousy and STDs.

“My goal is to just normalize non-monogamy, even if it’s just through my own lived experience.

‘Non-monogamy is not new or trendy. It was here long before us and will be here long after we are gone.

“And I would say to anyone curious about polyamory to start by observing our vast and beautiful community. Get to know us, because there is so much to learn.’

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