A mother of triplets says she refuses to feel guilty for making time for herself – even if it raises eyebrows if she leaves the kids to enjoy time at the gym and relax in the jacuzzi.
“I now have no regrets at all about taking care of my own needs and having time to recharge,” Leila Green, 40, who has three sons, has said.
“I go to yoga class a few times a week and when the boys are taking a nap, I use the time to meditate or do yoga.”
She says she “doesn’t like the martyrdom of mothers at all,” and is often met with surprised looks when she takes some time for herself.
Leila believes so strongly that “mom guilt” needs to end – she is now working to change the narrative and free mothers everywhere.
Leila Green, 40, pictured with her husband James, 43, and their triplets (L-R) Jerry, Rafa and Frankie, 19 months
The 40-year-old, a publishing entrepreneur from Beckenham, Bromley, was inspired by her own experiences of parenthood after giving birth to Frankie, Rafa and Jerry, who are now 19 months old.
After previously suffering two heartbreaking miscarriages, Leila wasn’t sure she would ever become a mother.
So despite the initial shock of learning she had delivered triplets naturally, Leila felt blessed.
“I had gone through the pain of losing two babies, so I felt so grateful,” she revealed. “It’s incredibly rare and felt like a miracle.”
The mother gave birth prematurely at 33 weeks and the boys, born at Kings College Hospital in London, were rushed to the NICU.
Leila had to go back to the ward where everyone else had their babies with them – and wait until a nurse and a wheelchair were available before she could visit hers.
“It was horrible to be separated from them,” she said. “And then they were transferred separately to my local hospital, where they remained in the NICU for weeks. The divorce had an impact on our bond. That’s when the mom guilt first started.”
After four weeks, Frankie and Rafa were discharged home, but Jerry remained in the hospital for another week.
Leila and the triplets on Christmas Day. Although Leila was initially shocked to discover she was having triplets, she remembers feeling incredibly grateful
L-R: Jerry, Rafa and Frankie pictured with a dog. The triplets were born at 33 weeks, which meant they were rushed to the NICU, where Frankie and Rafa stayed for four weeks. Jerry had to stay an extra week
“I felt guilty because I was trying to take care of two little babies at home and also visiting Jerry in the hospital,” she revealed.
‘The mother guilt continued when Jerry came home because I was trying to breastfeed – but how can you breastfeed three babies at the same time?
‘If all three boys were crying at the same time it was impossible because I couldn’t calm them all down… it was even worse when they were teething or sick… I felt like I was letting them down and the whole time failed.”
Leila said this feeling was especially prevalent because she had triplets “because you’re pulled in two or three different directions.”
“Yet my husband didn’t feel guilty about these things – it turns out it’s different for dads,” she added.
Trying to meet the needs of all three boys was an impossible battle and Leila was quickly approaching burnout.
Shauna Leven, chief executive of Twins Trust – a charity that supports families with twins, triplets or more – said feelings of guilt are very common among new mothers of multiples.
“Attention is inevitably divided between the children,” she explained. ‘Parents find themselves in a relentless routine of feeding, changing and comforting multiple babies, leading to acute sleep deprivation and physical exhaustion.’
Comments and unsolicited advice from strangers didn’t help either. At the breastfeeding clinic, people were eager to praise Leila’s husband James, 43, a risk manager, for being practical.
‘They said, ‘I see your husband with the babies all the time – isn’t he wonderful?’ she revealed.
Leila and her three boys. After struggling with her mother’s guilt, Leila now feels comfortable taking time for herself. She likes to go to the gym and relax in the jacuzzi.
Leila with her three boys. She believes so strongly that her mother’s guilt needs to be alleviated that she is now working to change the narrative so that other mothers can feel just as liberated.
‘I thought, ‘Why wouldn’t he take his kids for a walk?’ No one praises me for doing it. Why such double standards?’
Leila also said she received hurtful comments from strangers on the street, as people came up to her to proclaim, “I wouldn’t want to be you in a million years” or to tell her that having three babies was their “worst nightmare.” is. ‘.
There were also other factors that contributed to “mom guilt.” As a new mother, Leila was bombarded with conflicting parenting advice and methods, all of which were aimed at single babies. She also found herself comparing herself to other mothers.
Dr. Jo Mueller, a clinical psychologist and founder of The Guilty Parent Club (drjothepsychologist.com), said that our brains are “literally programmed to compare ourselves to others.”
“It makes sense that many of us feel terribly guilty because society creates completely unrealistic expectations about what it means to be a parent,” she added.
“We receive unhelpful messages about parenting from all angles, including the overload of information from social media.
‘The idea of the ‘perfect mother’ simply does not exist. When our brains compare us to these sky-high standards, we naturally feel like we are failing.”
She explained that most of us also have unrealistic “fantasies” about what life as a parent will be like before we hit reality.
Leila pictured with husband James and the three boys. Although Leila suffered greatly from her mother’s guilt, she says her husband experienced nothing like this
“Guilt and shame are very common among parents,” she added.
‘Virtually all of my clients report these emotions to some degree, and for many of them it has a huge impact on their well-being, mental health and their ability to age.’
The combination of information overload, overwhelming guilt and the desire to ‘do it all’ was the turning point for Leila, who quickly realized that things had to change.
So she decided to reassess her priorities, show compassion for herself and make time for herself.
“I see so many moms who try everything and for many it will only lead to burnout within six months,” she explained.
“We should not be expected to be on the front lines all the time putting out fires.
“My guilt has not improved the situation or made me a better mother; I was burning myself out. Once I realized that I was setting unrealistic standards for myself, that there was no such thing as perfection, and that I had to prioritize because I couldn’t do everything, it was a game changer.”
Leila set herself a mantra: “Priorities not perfection, compassion not comparison, acceptance not expectations, and intuition not instruction.”
“I realized I had to show compassion because I was doing my best,” she said. “I also realized that taking care of myself was for the sake of my entire family.”
‘Having time for myself makes me a better mother. I feel refreshed, more capable and have breathing room to think.”
Leila (who shares snippets of her life with triplets on Instagram @triplet_supermama) is hosting a free online event – ’f*** mum guilt’ – on March 7 to coincide with Mother’s Day and International Women’s Day, with the aim of inspiring change bring the narrator.
Leila and Rafa pictured in the park. Leila believes with all her heart that having time for herself makes her a better mother to all her children
“Society makes motherhood hard enough – we don’t need to make it even harder for ourselves,” she said.
“I want to create a space where mothers can openly talk together about their mother’s guilt and be reminded of what an amazing job they are doing. I want to turn the guilt they feel into something positive and empowering.
‘The event is for any mother who is done with guilt and judgment and wants to burn that guilt and change the way they feel.
“My mother’s guilt does not serve us and it is not fair. I want to take a stand against that.’
- F*** mum debt takes place on zoom on March 7 at 8pm