Who knows a man better – the mistress or the wife? What do men say about their wives to the women they have affairs with? How do affairs begin and why?
As the daughter of a father who had a secret mistress for ten years, I wanted to know.
So I found three women who were willing to answer all these questions and more. A serial lover, a professional lover, and a woman who had no intention of falling in love.
This is what they told me.
*All names have been changed for obvious reasons.
As the daughter of a father who had a secret mistress for ten years, Tracey was eager to know what her mistress really thought about sleeping with people in relationships (stock image)
THE WOMAN WHO FELL IN LOVE
‘I don’t know if he wants to leave you or will ever leave you. But I can’t imagine him giving up on me either.
*Emily is 38 and a journalist.
“The first thing I would say to you is I’m sorry. I didn’t want to fall in love with your husband and he didn’t want to fall in love with me.
“If we hadn’t acted recklessly at some point, none of this would have happened. I would still have a great time with my husband, and he would do the same with you. But it happened. And now it’s out of my control, because I will do anything to be with him. So here we all are.
‘I met him when we were in a pub with some girlfriends celebrating a birthday. Your husband was having a few drinks with his mates. I didn’t see him until I went to the toilet. He was waiting too, we got chatting. There was that ‘I find you attractive and I know you find me attractive but we’re both married’ type of slightly drunken flirting that sometimes happens. No harm done.
“But then we bumped into each other again. I was waiting for my morning coffee and he was doing the same. Turns out we worked a few blocks away from each other. Vague alarm bells: we knew this probably wasn’t good news.
‘That’s when we both should have started talking about our partners, making it clear that there was nothing more to offer than friendly chitchat. But we didn’t. We ignored the wedding rings on the fingers that were wrapped around our coffee cups as we made furtive, guilty eye contact.
‘He asked me to lunch. I said yes. We pretended it was a friend thing.
‘Then he asked me to have a drink after work and the alcohol dissolved whatever defenses we had left. We kissed in a quiet side street and it was the best moment I’ve had in the last decade.
“That was two years ago. I know now that he was perfectly happy with you and your life together. He loves your child. He desperately, desperately doesn’t want to hurt you.
“He’s a man who doesn’t know how he got to where he is. I don’t know if he wants to leave you or if he ever will. But he loves me too and I can’t imagine him giving me up either.
“My husband is my best friend. This is the one important thing in my life that I have never talked to him about. He senses that something is different. He has asked me outright if I am having an affair, but of course he doesn’t believe me when I say no. The guilt is unbearable, but it doesn’t stop me.
“An affair turns the most selfless person into the most selfish living thing. You know what you’re doing is wrong, but you continue anyway. My child is ten, older than yours. Every time I look into his face I feel ashamed and overwhelmed with amazement that I can put my needs above his. I’m a bad mother, and that’s worse than being a bad wife.
“I followed you once. You’re attractive, you seem happy. You met a girlfriend and I thought, ‘I bet she’s a great girlfriend and a great woman.’ I can see why he doesn’t want to leave you. I do.
“I love him more than my husband and enough to justify the pain this would cause him and my child. I wonder who will win.”
Relationship and sex expert Tracey Cox (pictured) speaks to three women about what they would want to say if they were talking to their lover’s wife
THE SERIAL WOMAN
“You get the small talk, I get the deep stuff. The girl that walked away, the job that walked away, the life that walked away.”
*Kate, 45, has been married for 11 years to a man 12 years her senior.
“This isn’t my first affair. It’s my fourth. The first was with my personal trainer. I had been married for a year and realized my husband didn’t want the kind of sex I wanted.
“It was either leave somewhere else or fulfill that part. The second happened about a year after that ended. A colleague at work (I don’t recommend it, it got messy towards the end and people notice more than you think.) The third was a guy I met in the pub. The fourth is your husband.
‘We met at a work event, but we don’t work together. Much better. I saw him, wanted him and talked to him. He resisted me for a while, but I’m persistent and attractive. At the end of the night I said, “Do you want to have an affair with me?” He said no, but took my number.
Men can’t handle it when a woman does manly things: like having an affair for nothing more than physical satisfaction.
“You don’t have to worry: I don’t want him for myself. I always get bored of them in the end. It’s purely sexual on my part, but it never seems to be on their part.
“Men can’t handle a woman doing manly things: like having an affair for nothing more than physical satisfaction. They think it’s great at first, but they want you to fall for them. It’s an ego thing.
“Your husband is no different than the rest of them. He says, ‘Don’t get any idea that I’m leaving my wife, because I won’t.’ (He would, by the way, men would sacrifice anything for the kind of sex I offer.)
“I tell him that’s the last thing I want to do – and that the reason I ended my last affair was because this guy showed up at work and said he left his wife for me. ‘I don’t believe you,’ your husband says. He’s got quite the ego, huh?
‘I don’t understand why men can’t talk to their wives. They only seem to be able to have conversations about who’s picking up the milk with the person they claim to love.
“I get the big stuff: the dream he never got to live, his regrets about the girl he lost, the job he lost, the life he lost. I find it funny what guys tell me, but it’s wasted on me. I’m only in it for the sex.”
THE PROFESSIONAL WOMAN
“He doesn’t have to face me the next morning eating cereal after begging me to humiliate him the night before.”
Daisy, also known as Mistress Envy, is 34, married and a professional dominatrix.
‘Most men seek me out because they have a kinky thing that their wife isn’t interested in. I’m actually giving them too much credit.
‘While some men who see me have tried to chat and work the fetish into married sex, many don’t even try. They fear rejection and worry that admitting to a kinky thing could negatively impact the relationship. How can she see me the same way when she knows X?
‘In many cases, men just like to see me. I’m not their wife, I’m their exciting secret. They’re full of anticipation when they visit me. They have no idea what I’m going to do next.
“I tease them, and use their excitement in ways they’ve never experienced before. I’m the opposite of what they have at home. It’s an intoxicating combination of escapism and excitement with a safe, shameless exploration of what they love.
‘During the session with me, they are a submissive. My submissive. There is nothing else. They don’t have to face me the next morning over the cereal to negotiate the paperwork of life, after begging me the night before to humiliate them. They can’t see the mother of their children the way they see me.
‘I love what I do, I’m good at it. Men leave feeling seen and validated. Visiting me is different than cheating. Still… I would be really hurt if I were the woman. Keeping such a big secret from me… and then there’s the financial deception.
“Some of my boys are completely devoted to me. I try to compensate for guilt by making them better husbands. I make them buy presents for their wives and do their share of the housework. All women should be adored.
“Most of the men who see me are a mix of married and single. My job hasn’t given me the idea that men cheat or are untrustworthy. What it has shown me is that men are insecure. They struggle with vulnerability. They value direction. If they are motivated and have good values, they are incredibly devoted to their wives.”
- Visit Tracey Cox’s website for lots of practical information about sex and relationships and details of Tracey’s books, podcast and product range with lovehoney