Dear Jane,
My husband and I have known each other for 40 years and have been happily married for 35. But now I can’t stand being around him anymore.
You know, during our marriage, my husband and I were extremely career-oriented. I worked in marketing and he worked in banking.
Despite having two children, we both worked long hours, often staying late at the office and even spending some weekends working.
Now we are both retired and have moved out of the house, and our marriage is on the rocks.
We didn’t develop hobbies or interests. And as a working couple, our friendship groups revolved around our professional lives. Now, many of our neighbors are strangers.
Dear Jane, I fear my husband has a serious mental disorder… and it disgusts me.
Suddenly we’re spending hours and hours together, so I encourage us to get out and meet new people.
But ALL my husband does is talk about himself. I am convinced he is a hopeless narcissist – maybe even clinical.
I stare at the faces of the people we meet – and they are shocked. He is absolutely convinced that his life is so much more interesting than everyone else’s. It is humiliating.
He finds it hard to let go of his successful career, and he constantly tells me and others how great he was at his job and what a huge impact he had on his company.
I’m starting to rebel against him. He’s ruining my pension.
I recently started researching the signs of a narcissist and I am convinced that he is indeed one.
We’ve built such a great life together, but I don’t know if I can stay married to someone like that.
Jane, can you give me some advice on what I should do?
International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her column “Agony Aunt”
By,
Mrs. Narcissist
Dear Ms. Narcissist,
You are at a stage in life where people often break up for the reasons you mention.
Once the children are grown and have left home, spouses often realize that they no longer have anything in common.
It seems like the two of you have become ships passing each other in the night.
Of course, not all difficult husbands are narcissists, but many divorced women I know describe their exes that way.
And I understand how tiring it is to hear someone talk about how impressive he or she is all the time, while showing no interest in anyone else.
Unfortunately, it seems like nothing is holding your marriage together but duty.
As for your children, while divorce is always hard on families, most adult children know who their parents are and understand the dynamics of their marriage.
Whether or not your husband is a clinical narcissist is pretty much irrelevant here.
There is no real treatment for the condition. He should acknowledge his disorder and seek help.
But since this is also part of your concern, you may want to consider the advice of Mark Ettensohn, a psychotherapist: “Sometimes you have to determine whether the relationship will improve.”
I think it’s important to ask yourself if you can ignore your husband’s character traits. If not, then maybe it’s time to move on.
Life is short and we have no idea how much time we have left. Each of us, including your husband, deserves a chance at happiness.
If two people are unhappy together, a fair solution for everyone involved would be to talk about your mutual incompatibility and discuss how you can move forward.
There is no one size fits all solution to marital problems. I will say however that it is much better to look at other options now, before your resentment turns to hatred and you find yourself in a bitter, acrimonious divorce.
Dear Jane,
This week I was faced with a major dilemma as my son received some shocking news.
He is 26 years old and works at a large technology company. He got the job in the middle of the pandemic, when he was fresh out of college and living at home.
For the past four years he has been working remotely, using our basement as an office.
It worked very well for him.
The problem is that the company is now requiring all of their employees to return to the office five days a week!
My son has gotten used to working from home, logging in for the workday five minutes after waking up and wearing his pajamas all day.
I fear he is becoming extremely lazy. He used to be very into fitness and was always extremely social, but now he hardly leaves the house and is gaining weight.
He has never met his coworkers and often stays in the basement after work playing video games.
Not only am I concerned about his social skills and motivation, but I’m also tired of having him around the house, to be honest.
I still do his laundry, clean his room, and cook for him. He never buys his own groceries or toiletries, and contributes no money to household expenses or bills – despite making a six-figure salary.
Since he graduated, he’s completely regressed to his childhood and I don’t think he can even take care of himself. He probably couldn’t even make himself a sandwich at this point.
Now he wants to quit this great job and look for another remote job at another company, which I am convinced will ruin his life (and mine).
What should I do? How can I convince him to stick with this career and commit to the office lifestyle?
By,
Work from HELL
Best Work from Hell,
Oh, Mom, I want you to hear me loud and clear: You don’t have to do his laundry, clean up, or cook for him! You don’t have to buy his toiletries!
Although you blame your son, you also make sure that he can live a luxurious life.
A life where you run around and treat him like a little prince.
Of course he doesn’t go to the office to work. Why would he? He has his cake and eat it too for his video games.
At 26, working at a large tech company with a six-figure salary, he’s old enough to stand on his own two feet, but he’ll never rise to the challenge if you let him do what he wants.
It’s time for him to leave the house. No more basement office, no more laundry, no more buying him stuff.
Give him two months to leave and stick to it. Help him find an apartment to rent, but he has to leave for his own good.
You are not doing him any favors by treating him like a baby. You are the one who created this situation. I am afraid you have to change it now by throwing him out.
I know it may be hard for you, but I promise you that forcing him to live an independent life is the greatest act of love.