Dear Jane,
I have been happily married to my husband for two years now. We met in my late twenties and tied the knot when I was 31.
I had never been in a serious relationship and I traveled around a lot for work, so I have to admit that I had slept with quite a few people before we met.
Not that it’s something we’ve ever talked about.
However, last week my husband told me that his best friend had discovered his girlfriend’s “body count” and was shocked by the total.
Dear Jane: My husband is upset after I revealed my body count… but I don’t even think my number is that high!
His girlfriend had admitted to sleeping with twenty people, a number that my husband and his friend rated as “extremely high.”
Then out of curiosity he asked what my body count was. And when I heard his outrage at the age of twenty, I decided to lie.
Panicking a little, I claimed I had slept with no more than fifteen men.
As it turns out, my husband was disturbed by even that lower estimate—admitting that he found “so many” sexual partners a bit off-putting.
But the truth is, I’ve slept with over fifty men, so many I’ve lost count.
Now I don’t know what to do. Should I stick to my lie and hope the subject never comes up again?
Or accept that if my husband has a problem with my number of former lovers, he is not the right person for me?
By,
Formerly promiscuous
Dear Formerly Promiscuous,
I’m so sorry that you got into such an awkward situation, and I’m even more sorry that you felt pressured to lie.
International bestselling author Jane Green provides sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her column about Aunt’s agony
I’ve never been a fan of lying. I think secrets fester in relationships and ultimately cause more problems than the truth.
Frankly, I’m concerned about your husband’s reaction to the answer you gave. You’re not sleeping with anyone else now, so it seems petty and unfair to judge you for your past.
If I’m honest, his behavior strikes me as a warning sign.
The number of past lovers any of us have had is irrelevant – and it certainly has no bearing on your ability to be a faithful and loving wife to your husband now.
I think you should consider being honest about the larger, actual number – especially because I fear you will never feel completely comfortable until you know his reaction to the truth.
His reaction to that real number will tell you everything you need to know. And if he finds it hard to digest, it could indicate a bigger problem within your marriage.
A professional counselor or therapist to help you with this can be helpful. It is often a good thing to have an impartial mediator who allows both of you to express your feelings freely.
However, if he still cannot accept the truth about your past, I hope you can find happiness and peace with someone who loves you and accepts you exactly as you are.