IIt’s refreshing to read a psychology book that’s aimed at the mainstream audience and doesn’t try to push you toward a certain goal; to achieve more, to work harder. Thanks to the rapid social and technological changes of the past century, self-realization is now possible for more of us than ever before. As welcome as this may seem, self-realization is hard work, and possibilities can quickly become standards we can’t live up to. Consciously or unconsciously, our unlived potential can haunt us and drive us to keep striving until we burn out.
In this book, the second in a planned trilogy, and a follow-up to 2015’s How We Are, health psychologist Deary delivers a much-needed message: we have a finite capacity to meet the unpredictable challenges that life throws at us. The concept of allostatic load (the wear and tear of chronic stress) shows up repeatedly. In chapter four we are introduced to Anne, a single mother who struggles to care for her son and father while working as a probation officer (Deary’s case studies are drawn from patients he has treated in a fatigue clinic). Anne takes care of everyone but herself. As her life becomes more difficult and complex, her ability to function is gradually eroded until she enters a state of chronic fatigue. During a course in psychotherapy, she begins to understand the vulnerability that comes from doing too much for too long, to the point where a few ordinary difficulties can tip you over the edge.
A particular strength of the book is the way in which Deary weaves between different schools of thought within psychology, philosophy and religion. The result is not just a discussion of abstract ideas, but a collection of valuable observations about what it means to be human in the modern world, taking into account biological, social and economic realities. In chapter eight we meet Fred, a freelance editor in his early thirties who is chronically exhausted by anxiety and panic attacks. We are shown how his anxiety (exacerbated by the Covid-19 lockdown) shrunk his world to the size of his house, effectively leaving him a prisoner of his own state of mind. The process of reclaiming his life then proceeds gradually, step by step.
The various chapters work as stand-alone essays and discuss very different questions. How do stories and narratives shape us? What is the difference between useful and destructive thinking? How do dysfunctional psychological processes such as anxiety or anorexia come into our possession? What does it mean to have a healthy relationship with yourself? The resulting insights apply whether we have a diagnosable mental illness or not.
How We Break may not resonate as much for people who haven’t yet been introduced to some of life’s most punishing aspects, or tend to stay too stuck in their comfort zone. This kind of existence can obviously come with its own set of psychological problems. Humans are essentially anti-fragile, meaning that we actually become stronger when exposed to stress and difficulties. Many aspects of modern life have made it easier for us to protect ourselves from difficulties, and we are only just beginning to see what this could mean for the mental health of younger people. Rather, this book is for people who have been through too much, too soon, or too long, whose reach is beyond their reach, who may be hypercompetent and yet have little to no sense of self-worth.
The third part of the trilogy is called How We Mend. In the meantime, this book offers a cathartic meditation on how difficult life can be. While the concept of self-care has become a common and sometimes unhelpful trope on social media, Deary makes a compelling argument about the need for self-compassion. He guides us toward a more human understanding of our suffering and offers practical advice for navigating life’s ups and downs with more grace and equanimity.
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