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As Valentine’s Day approaches, many will feel love in the air.
But as you set up dates during the most romantic time of the year, how do you know who to keep seeing?
A doctor of psychiatric medicine and his daughter, who is also a noted relationship coach, say they now have the answer.
Australia-based Dr. George Blair-West and Jiveny Blair-West have combined their experiences to create the ‘Loving Couple Model’, revealed in their new book, How to Make the Most Important Decision of Your Life.
It works by providing prompting and guidance, to be carried out discreetly starting on the third date, when the couple feels comfortable in each other’s company.
Dr. George Blair-West and Jiveny Blair-West combined their experiences to create the ‘Loving Couple Model’, revealed in their new book, How to Make the Most Important Decision of Your Life.
The Blair-Wests, who have counseled hundreds of singles and couples over the past two decades, say this method gives couples a brutally honest, “warts and all” look at each other from the start.
His model is most useful for people over the age of 25 – the younger Dr. Blair-West thinks you need to be before you start thinking about settling down.
‘The Love Match model has been built on our professional experience and insights, and the latest scientific insights into relationships, with one purpose: to help you determine if you’ve truly found a partner who will be your ideal partner or spouse for life. ‘ he said.
‘Don’t think of him or her as “the one”, but as the “chosen one”.
“In other words, a relationship should not be left solely to ‘romantic fate’ over which we have no control, but as an interactive process that needs to be fully considered from a more conscious place.”
DRESS FASHIONABLE, NOT HIGH… AND AVOID BLING
It can be tempting to dress to the nines to impress your date, but the Blair-Wests model warns against showing off too much.
They do not advise buying anything new for the occasion, as well as keeping accessories and makeup to a minimum.
While it’s important to make sure you’re neat and clean, experts say you shouldn’t hide your real appearance.
“The entire purpose of the Love Match model is to reveal your true self to your partner, not some fantasy portrayal that can’t be maintained on a day-to-day basis in a marriage,” Jiveny said.
“I’m not saying you should be scruffy, especially if you’re headed to a restaurant, but be natural, and that starts with the clothes you wear, your hairstyle, and your scent.
“You want to present yourself as you really are so that you know if your partner accepts and appreciates the real you.”
ASK ABOUT THE EX OF YOUR APPOINTMENT
It’s the ultimate taboo, but this father-daughter duo says you should bring up your date’s ex.
“It’s important to hear how they talk about their ex because it tells you where they are, emotionally, right now,” said Dr. Blair-West.
By watching their reaction to the topic, you could gauge if they really are ready to move on to a new connection.
He added: “If they can talk about their ex in a balanced way, acknowledging their positive and negative traits, then that’s a good sign.”
However, if the conversation becomes emotionally charged, they may still be holding on to the pain of their former love.
This could mean that they still need time.
“If they’re very negative, it suggests they’re still angry, still hurt, and still going through the breakup phase,” the expert added.
‘A sign that they are not ready for a relationship with you yet.’
REVEAL A SHAME FACT ABOUT YOURSELF
Being vulnerable in front of the person you love is important, and relationship experts warn that keeping too much of yourself down can get in the way of learning useful information about how they react to more sensitive issues.
So, they suggest revealing an embarrassing fact about yourself.
“True love is the feeling of being completely accepted by another person who knows you intimately and who is committed to nurturing both your personal growth and their own,” said Dr. Blair-West, who has been happily married to his wife Penny for over three decades. he explained he.
He says that a sense of security is needed, and advises that “we can only feel truly loved when we have shown our shortcomings and vulnerabilities to our partner, and they still love us and like us as before.”
Added Jiveny: “Sharing something a little embarrassing about yourself can help you connect with each other more quickly than trying to present yourself as ‘perfect,’ as you’ll seem more human and relatable.”
“This is also a great way to test the water, as you can find out what the other person will do with these secrets.”
“If it does come back to you, chances are your partner isn’t really endorsing or accepting of you, clear warning signs for the future of the relationship.”
OFFER A DIFFERENT VIEW
The couple warns against the temptation to be too nice when they first meet, especially since long-term conflict is expected.
“For the purposes of the loving couple model, I am not asking you to argue with your partner, but rather to have the courage to disagree on something that you feel differently about, like football, which TV show you should see. or a book,’ said Dr. Blair-West.
He says that ‘you don’t know who you’re in a relationship with until you have some kind of disagreement’, because it will show if they respect your opinion and to what extent they can handle different points of view.
“For a marriage to last, you both need to agree on big issues like starting a family, but on other issues it’s okay to disagree, as long as it’s constructive rather than aggressive,” the expert added.
‘Offering a difference of opinion at this early stage, then, will show you how your partner operates in any form of power struggle; whether they do it with respect or with a preference for fighting dirty.’
SEE HOW THEY HANDLE MESSAGES
Dr. Blair-West says that seeing how quickly your partner responds to messages is an “easy way to determine trustworthiness,” an important trait to measure, especially if you and your potential partner want children in the future.
“It can be something as simple as asking them if they want to collect for the date or checking that they can still do it in the agreed time,” he explained.
‘Unreliability is one of the biggest risks in any relationship. If your partner isn’t there when you or your children need them, then they go from being a powerful life resource to just the opposite: just another problem in your life. We need a reliable partner, not an adult son.
He says that you should “expect an answer within two or three hours.”
The relationship professional added: “If you don’t hear from your partner any longer, or worse, they don’t respond at all, then unless something has happened to prevent you from responding (which you should let them know as soon as possible). they can) you should be cautious about how trustworthy a person really is.’
PRESENT YOUR APPOINTMENT TO YOUR PARENTS
Meeting the parents is often considered an intimidating relationship rite of passage, but in the context of this model, more informal.
Ideally, your date would get to know you briefly on the way to the date, ensuring only a short, casual conversation.
“Introducing a partner to your parents is traditionally seen as a rite of passage within a relationship, indicating that it has become more serious and committed,” Jiveny said.
“But doing it much earlier can provide a real insight into the type of person your date is.
“The goal here is not for your parents to try to handle your date as a proper match, but simply to see how your partner interacts with them. However, feedback from your parents could be very helpful.
Dr. Blair-West cautioned against making a ‘big thing’ out of the introduction.
“Visit your parents for a cup of tea on the way to a meal or tell them you’re calling to pick something up for your parents,” she said.
However, inform your parents first, so they know that your relationship is not yet in a serious stage. It’s just light talk you want to have with your date, not an interrogation!’
For the same reason, Dr. Blair-West says that “you should also try to pay close attention to how your date interacts with the waiters or bar staff during your date.”
“It’s really not a good sign if your date refuses to participate or is rude to the staff,” she added. “As well they may act the same way with you later down the relationship path.”
HAVE AN ACTIVITY DATE… AND INVITE YOUR FRIENDS
And it’s not just your parents’ introductions that could benefit your boyfriend.
The Blair-West Love Couple Model recommends not only doing something more exciting and adventurous on a date, but also inviting friends over.
Recommendations include going to the zoo or rock climbing.
“Doing something adventurous, and ideally takes you and your date out of your usual comfort zones, is a perfect way to meet the real ‘them’, and let them get to know the real you,” Jiveny explained.
“Any activity is fine, but if you can, suggest something that is truly memorable and unexpected. The way your date reacts to your suggestion is another great way to tell if he or she is accepting of you and your hobbies and interests.
Bringing a few friends along would be the “icing on the cake,” added Dr. Blair-West.
He says this can help you gauge the opinions of some confidantes, so you don’t view the budding romance through “rose-tinted glasses.”
“It’s best to do this early in a relationship, as the more invested we become in someone, the less open we are to hearing honest, and perhaps negative, feedback from friends,” she added.
“Similarly, your friends will feel less comfortable giving those kinds of comments the longer you’ve been with someone.
‘Friends are better for this purpose than your parents because your mom and dad may have the same prejudices and blind spots that you do.
‘Most importantly, while they will have their own biases and blind spots, they will be different from yours!’