Terry Real is a big deal.
The seasoned marriage counselor, who boasts A-list disciples from Bruce Springsteen to Gwyneth Paltrow, has spent 25 years saving Hollywood marriages from the brink.
In the UK, where a disheartening 42 percent of marriages end up in the bin, we can take a leaf out of his book.
Fortunately, he has one: Us, a practical guide to moving away from the bickering and getting real about your relationship. Can he fix us? If it’s good enough for Gwynnie…
The veteran marriage counselor, who boasts A-list disciples from Bruce Springsteen to Gwyneth Paltrow (pictured with Brad Falchuk last month), has spent 25 years saving Hollywood marriages from the brink
HOW TO ARGUMENT LESS
People have two faces they show to their partners, Real says: “adult mode” and “child mode.” Everything is sunshine and rainbows in ‘wise adult mode’ – we are rational, reasonable and can express ourselves confidently. It’s when we argue that “adaptive child” mode kicks in, and the strategies we’ve learned to defend ourselves under stress come back screaming like pincers. The first step? Recognize your go-to argumentation style…
- Always right You believe ‘we will solve this if we determine which of us is right and which of us is wrong’. You’re the kind of person who makes it a virtue to be “the logical one,” hammers down hard facts, often ignores your partner’s feelings and turns them on further.
- Taking control This behavior can be overt (“shut up and do as I tell you”) or covert, in the form of manipulation designed to make your partner feel weak and insecure.
- Unbridled self-expression Or rather a diatribe. Instead of focusing on the matter at hand, escalate and aim for a breakdown of your partner’s character, using phrases like “you never,” “you always,” and “you are.” Ironically, this negates your partner’s ability to change, as it suggests they have a fixed, failed personality rather than behaviors they can work on.
- Retaliation You strike back, tit for tat. Hurting your partner the same way they hurt you is an “understandable human impulse,” says Real. But “it’s flawed, because you’re never going to get anyone more responsible or empathetic this way.”
- Withdrawal This is “huge for men,” says Real. It says, “I’m not interested, we’re closing this,” and withdraws from the conversation (this can happen emotionally as well as physically). This is very different from ‘distancing responsibly’ where you say, ‘I’m taking a break, this is where I’ll be and when I’ll be back’. These are all ‘losing strategies’. Discussing what yours are (or indeed are) when you’re calm can help you return to adult mode during disagreements. Try asking for a short time-out (other than retreating coldly) when you feel yourself starting to lose control. “Tell your partner how long it will take, then go wet your face with cold water, meditate, or take a short walk,” advises Real. “Talk to that little kid in you and try to figure out what they want out of this situation.”
Terry Real lends a hand to the likes of Bruce Springsteen – pictured with Patti Scialfa in New York City, 2017
Meanwhile, if your partner is the one in kid mode when you’re not, it’s time to “stand up for yourself, with love.” This involves saying something like, “Please don’t snap at me, it pushes me away.” Could you say sorry so I can feel close to you again?’ If your partner is extremely reactive – shouting or screaming at you – a more formal time-out is needed.
THE BEST WAY TO PICK UP THE PIECES AFTER AN ARGUMENT
If one partner is upset, it’s up to the other to “initiate repair.” It’s like working in customer service: you’re there to meet the needs of the other person, not discredit them.
Can’t imagine how that ends? Try the following Real special: “I’m sorry you feel bad. I love you and I don’t want you to feel that. Is there anything I can say or do to make you feel better?’ In short: be the bigger person.
The “feedback wheel” is another method Real recommends after an argument, when you both feel calmer. First, make sure your partner is open to the conversation (“tell them it’s only ten minutes”), then discuss the following:
Terry Real and Gwyneth Paltrow pictured speaking on stage at the in goop Health Summit on January 27, 2018
‘What I have been through’ Tell your partner your subjective experience of the situation that caused the argument. For example: “I came home from work and the groceries were not put away.”
‘What I made up of it’ Explain your assumptions. “I made up that you don’t feel like doing household chores and I have to do them all.”
‘That’s how I felt’ Draw a sketch of the emotions this evoked in you. “I felt angry, frustrated, and unappreciated.”
YOU CAN FORM YOUR RELATIONSHIP BUT YOU HAVE TO WORK FOR IT
‘what I would like’ Be clear about how your partner might behave differently in the future. “If there are any groceries that need to be put away, I’d really appreciate it if you could prioritize that.”
As the other interlocutor, Real recommends you…
- Listen and then repeat what you heard.
- Ask if you’re right.
- Acknowledge and agree to what you can.
GET MORE OF WHAT YOU WANT
“Almost all couples have ADD: appreciation deficit disorder,” says Real. “If you want more of something, pay attention to it – you get more of what you want by appreciating it.” That is much more effective than complaining about what you don’t get.’ His three-step plan for getting more of what you want includes the following…
Help your partner succeed Be specific and teach them what you want. “Remember, you have no right to be angry because you didn’t get what you didn’t ask for,” he says.
Make it worth it to them Reward and encourage your partner’s efforts — “appreciation is more powerful than all the other strategies combined,” says Real.
Avoid saying “You only did that because I told you to.” According to Real, “You can shape your relationship — you don’t have to be a passive passenger. But you will have to roll up your sleeves and work for it. If you don’t want to help your partner learn, settle for what they give you. But if what they give you isn’t working, it’s time to teach them how to do better.”
Us is published by Cornerstone Press, £18.99