How to spot your child has an anxiety problem and what to do about it, by top child psychologist DR AMANDA GUMMER

Amid the stresses of modern life, it seems we are more anxious than ever, with famous faces from Prince Harry to Adele among those who have shared their experiences with the condition.

And increasingly, children and teenagers are also suffering. The number of children referred to NHS mental health services with anxiety each year is now double the number before the pandemic.

So how do you know if your child is struggling – and how can you help him or her? Here says Dr. Amanda Gummer, a psychologist specializing in child development (goodplayguide.com) shares her tips…

What causes the increase in anxiety in children?

Adults sometimes suggest that childhood anxiety is a demand for attention, or “a phase.” Others place the blame squarely on smartphones, citing the pressure to be constantly online, comparisons with others and the typical ‘fear of missing out’ (Fomo) of teenagers as the main stressors. But while social media plays a major role in fueling anxiety among tweens and teens, phones aren’t the only cause. As has been the case since long before smartphones, young people have limited life experience, and especially a lack of experience when it comes to failure – so the fear of doing things wrong, socially or academically, can be very real. There is also school pressure, family problems and global problems that are presented to them every day through harrowing images online.

Sometimes genetics and upbringing can also play a role if a parent suffers from anxiety. In teens, drinking alcohol, smoking strong weed, and even drinking too many energy drinks can increase anxiety.

What are the signs to look out for?

Anxiety can manifest itself both physically and behaviorally, from a mysterious stomach ache in a younger child to sudden fits of anger in a teenager. Watch for changes in sleep patterns, such as difficulty falling asleep or frequent nightmares. Other signs include withdrawal from social activities, irritability, and avoidance of certain situations, such as parties or sleepovers. Younger children may try to make excuses, while older children may simply refuse to discuss their decision. Over time, you may notice a decline in academic performance, or even stop going to school altogether.

Anxiety can cause real symptoms, so don’t assume they’re feigning when they talk about headaches, stomachaches, or frequent, unspecified claims of not feeling well.

Also keep in mind that anxiety can manifest differently in boys and girls. In general, boys may express their anxiety in anger, irritability, or behavioral problems, while girls are more likely to internalize this anxiety, leading to withdrawal, sadness, or perfectionism. But these patterns are not rigid: any worry or fear that seems out of proportion is a warning sign and should be explored further.

How should I approach my child?

Approaching an anxious child requires sensitivity and understanding, but with younger children, play can be a very powerful tool. Parents I work with are often surprised at how much children can open up over a board game or other fun family activity where they feel safe.

Use simple, clear language for primary school-age children. Ask open-ended questions, such as ‘how do you feel at school?’ and providing them with a safe, non-judgmental space to express themselves. You can also use stories or games to paint imaginary scenarios and ask how they feel and how they might solve the problems. Or, if they are a reader, authors like Jacqueline Wilson can deal very well with childhood and teenage issues, which you can then discuss.

Respect teens’ need for privacy (no digging through diaries), but let them know you’re available to listen if they feel like talking. Always validate their feelings – “yes, what she said sounds disturbing” – and avoid downplaying any concerns they share, even if they seem trivial. Saying ‘no one cares what your hair looks like!’ is not helpful – it is extremely important to them. As I said above, teens have limited life experience and therefore a much more limited perspective on what “really matters.” While listening is crucial, practical steps can include agreeing limits on screen time, encouraging regular physical activity to boost the ‘happy chemical’ endorphins, and eating well – too much sugar can cause mood swings.

Share your own emotions with them too, to let them know that even big, painful feelings can change, for example: “I felt so sad when Grandma died, but now I feel happy when I think about her.” But don’t use your child as an emotional crutch. They need to feel safe, and they are your child, not your confidante.

What if they don’t want to talk about it?

It is important not to push. Encourage activities that promote relaxation, such as exercise and uplifting hobbies such as journaling in nature, drawing, reading or listening to soothing music. Try to create a family culture where feelings are shared without judgment, and don’t allow siblings or older relatives to mock or ignore emotions. For teenagers, the pressure to be perfect can often be a major source of anxiety, so always show children that you make mistakes and see how you deal with them and move on.

Is anxiety a condition or a temporary feeling?

There is a difference between feeling anxious and having anxiety. It is normal for children to experience anxiety as part of the emotional spectrum, and helping children develop resilience in response to common daily stresses can prevent it from escalating. But if things do escalate, and those feelings become overwhelming and impact their daily functioning, professional intervention from a therapist may be needed to help them understand what is happening. In some cases, medication may help, but talk therapy will usually come first, except in extreme cases.

However, don’t assume that an anxious child or teen will be an anxious adult. While some may be predisposed to anxiety due to genetics and early experiences, early support can really help reduce the long-term effects of anxiety. Teaching children coping strategies such as calming breathing, distraction techniques, and problem solving to find a solution can greatly reduce the likelihood of anxiety lasting into adulthood.