How to repair rifts with friends – and should you? A top psychologist shares her six steps to reconnect without being hurt

It’s easy to believe in “besties for life” when you’re 15 and share a Taylor Swift obsession. But by mid-life, maintaining friendships is a lot harder. Life gets busy, values ​​change, and friends can drift away.

But if you miss that lost friendship—whether you drifted away naturally, got ghosted, or it fell apart spectacularly—it may not be too late to rekindle it, says clinical psychologist DR. FELICITY BAKER. Here’s how to reach out to a long-lost friend without feeling awkward or vulnerable…

Clinical psychologist Dr Felicity Baker says it may not be too late to rekindle your friendship

Look at your part in the break

Reconnecting can be challenging if there were times when you struggled to move on, or if the “split” was the result of an unresolved argument. Before you connect, decide if you are willing to examine your part in what happened and listen to the other person’s feelings.

They may not want to hear from you, or they may still be hurt or angry. Your old friend’s memories of what happened may also differ significantly from yours.

BEST APPROACH: Send a neutral message. Something like, “I was wondering how you’re doing, do you fancy a chat?” gives the ex the space to ignore it. If so, don’t pursue it – no response is a message in itself.

Taking the initiative can lead to a lifelong renewed friendship. If it doesn’t, you know you’re free to move on.

Understand your communication styles

Sometimes a friendship drifts because of unresolved communication issues. Friendship patterns are learned behaviors, and criticism, undermining, and bullying often have their roots in our early experiences.

If you are constantly critical, controlling or chaotic as a parent, you may unconsciously repeat these negative patterns in your friendships.

Relationships that reflect negative early experiences can cause anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem. But they can also feel very comfortable, because the familiarity can make us feel like the person really gets us.

But if you can’t change the way you interact with each other, meeting again will immediately lead to the problems that drove you apart.

BEST APPROACH: Think about what early relationships your friendship mirrored – and whether you really want to return to that communication style. Only approach it if you think you both can change.

Don’t apologize for everything

When you’ve had a fight, it can feel like the right thing to do is step in and apologize unconditionally. But the devastating issue that’s been plaguing you for years may not even be on your friend’s radar.

When you do reach out, ask for their perspective on the fallout before trying to fix it. By opening up a conversation, you can decide together how to move forward—or not.

BEST APPROACH: Don’t assume you know how they feel about the breakup: ask and listen. They may be happy to leave your friendship in the past – if so, accept their right to move on.

Look for solid foundations

Often friends break up because of ‘flight’, usually when a person’s life changes. Moving, a new job, a baby… suddenly you have less time and perhaps less in common.

Whatever the reason, if there was a solid foundation for your friendship in the first place, it’s likely that if you choose to rekindle it, you’ll still be doing well. You may want to figure out what caused the drift and ask yourself if anything has changed in the meantime (perhaps you have older children now, or your jobs are less demanding) that makes your friendship more likely to work this time around?

BEST APPROACH: A friendly phone call or text asking if they’d like to grab a coffee and a chat. No excuses needed – the wandering is usually mutual.

Don’t talk yourself out of it

It can be easy to overthink how to approach a lost friend. Fear of rejection doesn’t just happen in romantic relationships. Friends with whom we’ve shared intimacy hold a lot of power—and rejection can hurt.

Negative thoughts and predictions – “they won’t remember me,” “they’ll be angry that it took me so long to get in touch,” “they probably have enough friends already” – can undermine your motivation, create anxiety and encourage avoidance.

It helps to start small and lower your expectations. Put out some gentle feelers in the beginning – tell your hopes to a mutual friend or find them on social media and say ‘hi’.

BEST APPROACH: Take action, no matter how small. Taking the initiative can lead to a lifelong, renewed friendship. If it doesn’t, know that you are free to move on.

Leave old ghosts alone

Ghosting – cutting you off without explanation – is an active choice to distance yourself from the friendship. Ghosting indicates a lack of care and commitment – ​​there is no willingness to resolve issues. If you have ever been ghosted, trying to resolve it can risk further feelings of rejection. Your ex may not even know or remember why they ghosted you, and seeking answers may not help. Instead, it can lead to overthinking, self-blame or anger, and generate more negative emotions and insecurity.

BEST APPROACH: Don’t do it! If you have to, send a polite message asking if they’re willing to talk – but don’t expect a response. You may never know.

• ultimateresilience.co.uk