How much SHOULD you spend on Valentine’s Day? And how you may get it terribly wrong… Money Psychotherapist VICKY REYNAL reveals all

My dear friend Val was shocked when Carl, whom she had just started dating, hired an acapella quartet in striped suits and straw hats to show up at her office on Valentine’s Day and sing for her.

Carl was a brave man, because surely everyone would consider it a big gamble: would Val be carried away by this romantic, original and expensive gesture?

Or, as it turned out, would she want the ground to swallow her up? She called me for an emergency coffee date and asked: was he funny or sadistic? Is he romantic or insane?

Valentine’s Day offers the opportunity to express our love or interest in someone through a gesture – usually with a price tag attached.

However, for many it is a stressful day in which they try to doubt what their partner expects (to avoid disappointment or conflict!) and risk overspending unnecessarily. So how do we determine what is reasonable on Valentine’s Day?

If you’re considering “going big,” I invite you to ask yourself: why? Quantifying what is ‘big’ is impossible because it is subjective, but if you consider the choice you will know on some level whether it is on the exaggerated side of things. Stop and ask yourself: What do you hope this gift will say or what do you think this gift will “buy”?

Are you hoping that a big, expensive gift will buy your love? Are you hoping it will compensate for your emotional unavailability (or are you whispering it – maybe even because of your lack of sex drive?)

What if you’re trying to impress someone with a flourish at the start of a romance: are you hoping the ticket price of your Valentine’s Day gift will distract them from or compensate for your shortcomings?

Or are you one of those people who hope that Valentine’s Day comes and goes and your partner doesn’t notice because you actually prefer to save money, don’t believe in “commercial holidays” and hate paying too much for flowers?

A few words of caution if this is you – because while you may save money on flowers, you may pay a high emotional price for this approach without proper communication with your partner.

There are two things I invite you to consider as you make this choice this Valentine’s Day: your intentions and your partner’s expectations.

Intentions

Be clear with yourself about where you stand on V-Day. Are you hoping you don’t have to celebrate?

Or do you see it as an opportunity to say something to your partner? If the latter, it is important to be very clear about what you mean to express: is it your love, gratitude, appreciation for your partner? Or do you buy an ‘I’m sorry’ gift?

You may want to rekindle the spark that is fading in your marriage, or you may express a desire to further develop your relationship with the person you are casually dating.

Being clear about your intention can determine your choice and how much you spend on a gift: if you want to rekindle an old spark, it can be more effective to do so through a thoughtful gesture (such as revisiting the place of your first date, or arranging for the kids to stay with the grandparents so you can have a deux dinner at home), which will be a cheaper and more effective way of saying, “I want to invest in our relationship.”

Spending more is not what gets the message heard – money has no magical properties: it can only support a message that is reinforced by words (perhaps on the accompanying card) and by actions – such as thinking about the gift.

Expectations

As you think about what to buy and how much to spend, keep your partner’s expectations in mind.

If you’re in a new relationship and have no idea what your partner hopes you will do on Valentine’s Day, you may want to gather some information first.

What do they think? Do they tend to celebrate? You’re in the exciting and nerve-wracking beginning of the relationship, where you determine their expectations for a future with you: are you more romantic or cynical? Withholding or generous? Your generosity doesn’t have to be financial: we can show generosity by investing time in preparing something special.

Keep all that in mind as you choose something that feels sincere but thoughtful. So even if you’re 100 percent against the idea of ​​Valentine’s Day, if they’ve told you they “can’t wait and are so excited,” you’re about to show them if and how you compromise.

Not spending money or effort on Valentine’s Day without knowing that they agree with your view on it is a risky strategy: I’ve seen the no-gifts approach interpreted as ‘he doesn’t love me’, ‘he’s no longer interested ‘, ‘He is clearly a selfish person’. So it might be wiser to have a conversation about it and explain your reasons so that there is room for compromise.

But going overboard with extravagant gifts can be an equally risky approach: your partner (if you share the finances) might even be angry that you spent so much money on something ‘unnecessary’.

If you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations may be clear by now – maybe you exchange cards every year, or you both get along without celebrating.

But while you still have the choice to repeat the potentially comfortable pattern you’re in, you can always break the pattern to make a new statement. If this is the case, it won’t be the price tag that will generate the response, but the fact that you did something different from the ‘usual’ with a positive intention.

If you do, why not back it up with words to help your partner make meaning of your gesture (rather than leaving the interpretation up to their own assumptions or even conjecture!).

We all have different views on what is too expensive or cheap, funny or embarrassing, cute or corny. If we are wrong and our partner is angry with us, be curious about why he thought it was a bad choice, but also about what might happen beyond the giving and spending of a gift: what meaning did he/she give to this gift? ?

Don’t deny their feelings, they have a right to do so, but rather remind them of your intentions so they can find another way to interpret them. And what did Carl say to Val? “I wanted you to feel special.”

So this Valentine’s Day, remember: be mindful of your partner’s expectations, but spending a lot of money on a gift won’t convey the message any clearer than with words or gestures. As my example with Carl shows: bigger is not always better.

Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email her at vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk