How feminist is your surname? Meet the couples rewriting the marriage rulebook (though their in-laws aren’t best pleased…)

For young women who have grown up firmly believing that we can do whatever we want regarding our careers, love lives, and whether or not to have children, there is one final frontier that is proving to be a battleground: whether we should or not take our partner’s surname.

According to a YouGov poll, only 59 percent of women wanted to take their partner’s name in 2016, and I can confirm that we have only become more determined since then.

At 30, I see this decline happening in real time with friends as more and more people get married. It is far from obvious that a woman will take her husband’s name, it is now a conversation between partners.

Many reject the patriarchal symbolism of a convention rooted in the collusive laws whereby a woman, her property and rights to children became the legal property of the man after marriage.

It’s hardly a romantic prospect for women today, who value their careers and want to maintain their identity within their union.

Which all sounds perfectly reasonable in theory. But in practice, rejecting your new spouse’s (and in-laws’) last name is fraught with tension.

Auctioneers Meg Randall, 35, and Harry Parkinson, 31, have struggled with this since their wedding last summer. She refuses to change her name.

“It’s crazy that kids get the man’s name when we do the hard work!” she says. And he won’t take hers.

So far they’ve talked about double-barreling, combining their mothers’ maiden names Elliot and Chippendale into Ellendale, or using Harry’s middle name Brian – “He agreed to it while he was drunk, but changed his mind” – without reaching a conclusion to come.

Now it’s causing family tension. “His dad told me to lighten up one time, during a board game!” says Meg. ‘He was joking, but everyone thinks I should get over myself and make it easy. But why should I make it easy and not Harry?’

Fortunately, there are already many couples who come up with groundbreaking innovative solutions. So, which of the options appeals to you? Here we explore the pros and cons…

Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel and supermodel Miranda Kerr kept their last names when they married in 2017, but have given their three children the double-barreled Kerr Spiegel

Adopt a double barrel

According to polling firm Opinium, 11 percent of 18 to 34-year-olds are double-barreled, once the domain of the upper class.

Celebrity fans include Brooklyn and Nicola Peltz Beckham, as well as supermodel Miranda Kerr and Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel, who kept their names when they married in 2017 but share their three children, Hart (six), Myles (five) and seven-months old Pierre has the surname Kerr Spiegel.

Yet there were challenges for Nathan and Phoebe Burton-Rutter, a teacher and civil servant who lived in Bristol with their one-year-old son Remi.

When 33-year-old Phoebe initially suggested double-barreling, 34-year-old Nathan wasn’t enthusiastic about it. He now admits that “there was definitely an underlying level of misogyny,” but he also worried that his family would “see it as a minor thing.”

‘Being from a working-class background, there is pride around a family name. You don’t have much, so it’s all about the little things,” he explains. But after the lockdown postponed their wedding, he changed his mind as he had more time to get used to the idea.

‘My father had difficulty with it, there was disagreement. He was angry that it hadn’t been a conversation, but it’s our decision.”

Phoebe says she worried that her new in-laws viewed her as “manipulative,” even though they have come around since Remi was born. Well, mostly.

“It saddens me that some parts of the family still call him baby Rutter,” Nathan said. ‘And I am often addressed as “Mrs Nathan Rutter” on birthday and Christmas cards!’ Phoebe adds.

And other double-barrelers warn that the question of who comes first could also be a point of contention, with fears that the second surname will inevitably disappear.

William and Selena Haigen mixed up a selection of letters from their surnames (Egan and Michell) to form a unique mix

Mix your names

Another solution is to combine your surnames into something new.

Matt, 34, a London-based consultant, recently merged his surname Wilkinson with his husband Matt’s surname Spiller, making them both Matt Spilkinson.

‘It was a joke to begin with. Our friends said it would be chaos if we had the same name, but then we thought, why not? Names are all made up at some point! Our families thought it was ridiculous, but said: do it if it makes you happy. They are very helpful.’

William and Selena Haigen, a 34-year-old copywriter and 36-year-old interior stylist, mixed up a selection of letters from their last names Egan and Michell to form a fairer combo.

The couple didn’t think double-barreled sounded good, but a shared identity felt important because they want children. ‘Why reverse tradition when you can make your own? This way, no one is left out, says William.

Despite telling friends and family that they had come up with a new name, they waited until the wedding for the big reveal. ‘The celebrant did a theatrical bit: ‘Now I give you Mr. and Mrs. Haigen!’ There was a lot of cheering.”

However, William admits that not everyone did so well. “My dad is a little more traditional, so I was nervous about bringing up the subject. His last name is important to him and he wanted it passed on. So it was a tough day or two. He’s fine with it now, but still not the biggest fan!’

FIND A NEW NAME

Why not start from scratch, like psychologist Alice Kaye-Eagle and software engineer Tom Neil-Eagle?

Looking for a name that was ‘mutually beneficial’, the thirty-something couple from London chose a new name, Eagle, Tom’s grandmother’s maiden name, which they doubled with their own surnames to maintain their identity, with Eagle the only surname of their son made.

Alice explains: ‘It’s a nod to the past, but also to the future, moving forward as equals.’

However, she admits it was a “shock” for their families. ‘They know that we like to break with tradition, but were a bit surprised by this; they thought it was a stupid idea!’

But, she says, she understands that “traditions are powerful, and when you break them, you can experience a sense of loss. And Tom’s grandmother is of course overjoyed that her family name is back in use.’

GENDER ROLE REVERSAL

Although this is the most obvious transition, it is less common for men to take the woman’s name. YouGov found that only 18 percent of women and 12 percent of men want their children to bear their mother’s name.

An exception is novelist Adele Parks, whose second husband Jim changed his last name to hers as a surprise for his third wedding anniversary.

And the social stigma about taking a woman’s name can even extend to LGBTQ+ couples.

When London-based Elizabeth Cahill, 30, who works in local government, took her wife Jane’s surname, she was surprised by the response. “People were surprised, in a way they wouldn’t be if I had taken a man’s name.”

John Arlidge and Stephanie Flanders kept their own surnames when they married, and have used them both for their children, using the names Stanley Arlidge and Claudia Flanders.

P.S. KEEP YOUR OWN NAME… WITH A TWIST

Of course you can keep your own name. But even here, there is an opportunity to do things differently when it comes to your children so that both sides are represented.

For example, Stephanie Flanders and John Arlidge, both journalists, named their children Stanley Arlidge and Claudia Flanders.