About two years ago I started dating a man who was just getting out of a divorce. I know, never a good idea. It’s safe to say that after a three-year battle, he looked torn to finally, legally, say “not me” — and his story was enough to scare anyone considering filing for divorce.
This man had earned an impressive amount of money from being a fairly famous athlete for many years and had been looking forward to living a slightly slower life and enjoying his well-earned wealth.
That is, until the horrible “D” word entered his life: divorce.
Now his ex was not a happy guy, and to be fair, he had done some things that made her rightfully despised. But did he expect her to fight as dirty as she did? No. Even I was quietly impressed by her commando-like fighting skills in divorce court. Because guess how much of his wealth she ended up with?
Seventy percent. Yes. She even got one of his gyms! Did she need it? No. But did she accept it (perhaps out of malice)? Oh yes. If I didn’t like him so much, I’d almost want to date her!
This story came to mind when I came across an Instagram video that I quote over and over again, from a man I fortunately got to know quite well on my last trip to New York City. His name is James Sexton and he is the Big Apple’s leading divorce attorney. He handles divorce cases involving millionaires and billionaires, so the man has seen a thing or two!
In a clip that has since gone viral, he says: ‘If you break it down, fundamentally 56 percent of marriages end in divorce – that’s just the couples who actually go through the costly, tedious and emotionally devastating process of divorce. What about all those other married people who stay together ‘for the kids’ or because they don’t want to give away half of their stuff?’
Sexton estimates that this is “at least 20 percent.”
Fifty-six percent of marriages end in divorce – and they are rarely cheap, writes Jana Hocking
He adds: ‘You now have a technology that fails 76 percent of the time. That’s insane. If I told you that if you walk out the door today, there’s a 76 percent chance you’ll get hit in the head with a bowling ball, you won’t go outside, or you’ll wear a helmet.”
It makes you think: why on earth do people still get married?
So with that frightening statistic—and my ex’s story—in mind, I was reminded that split season is indeed upon us (divorce lawyers always get an influx of new clients in late December and early January).). I’ve collected stories from my circle of confidantes who were brave enough to share what it really costs to separate your life from someone else’s.
Spoiler alert: it’s rarely just attorney fees. From giving up the house to fighting over schools, this is what happens when love goes from “forever” to “how much?”
*All names have been changed to protect privacy
The power couple calls it quits
Jessica, 45, and Mark, 47, were the dream team until their marriage imploded. She was a prominent lawyer, he was the brains behind a booming tech startup, and their breakup made headlines.
During their divorce, Mark ended up paying $80,000 in business valuations to keep his business intact, while Jessica racked up $150,000 in legal fees fighting for their waterfront home. “We argued about coffee tables and equality, and the lawyers won more than either of us,” Jessica now admits.
Some divorces leave people with debts or significantly damaged assets. But if you do it without bitterness, you can soften the financial blow (stock photo taken by models)
Succeeded with debt
Rachel, 36, a freelance graphic designer, thought her divorce would be easy. But when her ex revealed that he had “unknowingly” racked up $70,000 in debt during their marriage, the game changed.
“Suddenly I had taken over his guilt,” she tells me.
After paying legal fees and trying to clear her name with creditors (he had a lot in her name), she learned the hard way that even if you think your marriage is going well, you need to prioritize financial independence.
I should have asked him for more
When 38-year-old Claire left her marriage, honesty was her guiding principle.
Lawyers? No thanks. She wanted to keep things amicable, so she gave her ex what he wanted in the asset settlement. “At the time it felt honest,” she says. But now that most of the costs for their children are falling on her shoulders, she is reconsidering her generosity.
After moving twice in 12 months for short-term leases, she has discovered the financial pain of renting. It’s not just the rent and deposit, but the costs of packing, moving and starting over are really starting to add up.
Meanwhile, her ex-husband lives in a house he bought.
I wanted a fair settlement. He wanted to play dirty
After ten years of being unhappy and six years of sleeping in separate rooms, 41-year-old Lauren decided it was time to leave her husband.
She offered to walk away with $500,000, the same amount she brought into the marriage in 2010. But her ex, an equity partner at a major law firm, didn’t want it. Furious and determined to “punish her” (his words, not hers), he dragged her into a high-conflict divorce that cost them nearly $400,000 in legal fees.
Lauren ultimately walked away with 50 percent of the disclosed assets – roughly a few million dollars, so much more than she originally asked for. Meanwhile, her ex wasted $300,000 on expensive lawyers in a losing battle.
As a stay-at-home mom who gave up her career to raise their children, Lauren admits the road hasn’t been easy, but now, a year later, she has never been happier. “My children see their mother happy and healthy for the first time in years, and we are doing well.”
As for her ex? He regularly sends her nasty emails blaming her for “taking all his money.” Lauren’s advice to bitter ex-spouses? ‘Revenge isn’t cheap. He should have taken me up on my original offer.”
In some cases, husbands live with regret after rejecting their estranged wives’ initial settlement offers – only for them to hire a lawyer and walk away with much more (stock image)
I gave her everything to save my sanity
For 42-year-old James, his divorce felt less like a breakup and more like psychological warfare. After leaving his wife, she claimed the lion’s share of their home equity, which was fine until their daughter came into his care full-time.
“She didn’t even pay for her legal fees; her parents were. Every time my lawyer sent a letter, she filed a police report and accused me of emotional abuse,” he recalls.
In the end, he gave her everything he had to stop the fighting. But when she signed up to send their daughter to a fancy school in another city without his knowledge, he drew the line.
“I spent $3,500 taking her to court to change the school to a nearby school, and it was worth every penny. My daughter is doing well and I have no regrets.’
My mother got cancer due to a divorce
Josie shared a story about her parents’ high-conflict divorce, which came with a $100,000 price tag in addition to legal fees. Just as things were escalating toward a lawsuit, her mother pulled the plug and settled for 75 percent of the disclosed assets.
But the toll wasn’t just financial: Her mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer the week the papers were signed. Josie believes the emotional and financial stress contributed to her mother’s declining health.
“The divorce not only cost money, it cost her so much more.”
I discovered that my husband was a small, short man
Joanne’s divorce cost her $15,000 in cash – not much compared to some of our other divorcees – but her estranged husband’s small requests left a lasting impression.
In a bizarre show of spite, her ex demanded some surprising items from their former marital home, including the years-old Country Road bag she bought with her first McDonald’s paycheck and several unopened cookbooks.
He even cleared out the pantry staples, including cumin. “Honestly, the things he demanded were so petty, but at least now it’s over and I don’t have to deal with him and his ridiculous requests anymore.”
There is an old saying: ‘the only winners in divorce are the lawyers’ (stock image)
He took almost everything from me, but I’m glad I got rid of him
I was shocked when Janet told me about the financial consequences of her divorce. Hers cost her more than any woman I have known has experienced a legal separation.
At the time her marriage failed, her three companies were valued at $41 million. But just twelve months later they were sold for $28 million, which barely covered the $26.5 million in loans. After brokerage fees and payouts to limited partners, Clare walked away with just $350,000, a far cry from the $13 million net worth she once had.
“It hurt a lot,” she admits today. Still, Janet says she’s grateful to have moved on from her “narcissistic” ex, even if shared parenting still makes it challenging.
But let’s end things on a happy note…
The success story of a do-it-yourself divorce
Not every divorce ends in a confrontation in court.
Emma, 34, and Liam, 36, managed to unravel their 10-year marriage with the help of a $1,200 online divorce service. “We didn’t have much to share, but we worked together to keep it civil,” Emma says.
The result? A co-parenting plan that works and no debt due to legal battles. ‘It hasn’t been easy, but staying amicable has saved us thousands of pounds – and allowed us to focus on our children.’
If these stories prove anything, it’s that divorce is rarely cheap, but it’s always better if you at least do so attempt to resolve cases without resorting to expensive lawyers.
But even if you have to hire a lawyer to fight your corner, the outcome is usually worth it in the end. The financial consequences can be painful, but the freedom to start over is priceless.
So whether you’re thinking about DIY paperwork or bracing yourself for a courtroom confrontation, remember this: You’re not alone. Do you have your own story about the costs of a divorce? Slide into my DMs, I’d love to hear it!