How COULD Meatball Ron miss such an open goal? Greasy Gavin shamelessly dodged every killer fact Hannity hit him with… and DeSantis let him get away with it. Now read KENNEDY’s merciless verdict

Did someone dose my chamomile last night or did we really see two great state governors go head to head in a substantive debate on the issues that really matter to America?

It wasn't a dream!

Governors Gavin Newsom — who is clearly not running for president (wink!) — and Ron DeSantis have battled it out in front of my friend Sean Hannity over issues ranging from COVID lockdowns and homelessness to barely vague cartoon porn and poop cards.

Sure, it wasn't the Lincoln-Douglas debates, but I'll take what I can get.

Newsom immediately summed up what we were thinking: “What are we doing here?”

The answer for the smooth string bean (who always seems to do a creepy Patrick Bateman impression) is to create a clear contrast between himself and our aging, ashen-haired commander-in-chief, President Stumblebum.

Newsom claims he's not running for the top job, but as we learned last night, you can't really believe the words coming out from between those shiny white chompers.

Governor Hair Putty has been to China and Israel (not to mention Iowa and Florida) and has exposed himself as the next leader of the free world. This 'Great Red State/Blue State Debate' allowed Grinning Gavin to express his views on national issues to a huge audience of potential voters.

He was allowed to wag his fingers, swear and pontificate; meanwhile cheerleading for the Biden/Harris ticket, pretending he wasn't going to knock them both off the Golden Gate Bridge and pretend to sneeze.

Newsom immediately summed up what we were all thinking: “What are we doing here?”

DeSantis, on the other hand, had much more to lose. It doesn't look particularly presidential to debate someone who is not officially a candidate. But by providing the right philosophical incentives, Ron might be able to reshape his protracted campaign by deftly taking on a capable ideological foe.

And that's exactly what last night offered: the debate America deserved.

It was the first time after COVID that we heard from two major politicians after they collected the data to inform us about how much we have suffered in the last four years.

Distrust in the government grew as we were told to shut up and stay indoors, especially in California, where Greasy Gavin dined at the swanky French Laundry while his mask-mandated citizens crawled over hungry men.

Now, with the benefit of hindsight, America sees that the COVID death rates in the two states were virtually identical, even though vastly different restrictions were in place.

California was a Tony Fauci-ian nightmare, while Florida's blue hairs roamed free.

Now the Golden State is experiencing a net population loss of 750,000 residents over the past two years, compared to the Sunshine State's increase of 450,000 residents.

They are the facts. But when the going got tough, Gavin squirmed, turned away and outright lied. Viewers may have felt like they had overdosed on pharmaceutical-grade delusions.

Taking a page out of President Donald Trump's playbook, Newsom accused DeSantis of “(closing) your beaches, your bars, your restaurants.” It is a fact.'

Not 'a fact'.

Ron never ordered his sandy shores closed. He locked the doors of hotspots in the early days of the virus, but opened them earlier than most governors in the spring of 2020. Meanwhile, half of California's restaurants went out of business for good.

When the going got tough, Gavin squirmed, turned away and outright lied. Viewers may have felt like they had overdosed on pharmaceutical-grade delusions.

Ron never ordered his sandy shores closed. In the early days of the virus, he locked the doors of the hotspots, but in the spring of 2020 he opened them earlier than most governors.

Newsom also can't refute his state's bow to the teachers unions that cheated the feds out of $200 billion in largely unspent “aid” while running over children and parents with Fauci's blessing “out of an abundance of caution.”

On illegal immigration, Ron Da Ali has stabbed Gavin with the flaming poker of Biden's failed border policy, which has allowed millions — including thousands from Iran, Afghanistan and Syria and an untold number of terrorists — to enter the country illegally.

New? “When (DeSantis) was in Congress, he supported amnesty.”

Objection – relevance? And wrong to boot.

Congressman Ron voted to grant legal status to DACA recipients – children brought to the US illegally by their parents. So that's another nasty smear, Gav.

But the bad trip really began when the Newsomian ambiguity turned to Bidenomics.

He touted low black unemployment, yet black voters are voting Republican in greater numbers because they, like most Americans, feel their quality of life is declining.

Violent crime and homelessness are all worse in California, but to hear Gooey Gavin tell him he's in charge of the safest, most homely state in the union.

“Human feces is now a fact of life,” DeSantis said, holding up a map of San Francisco — a map of the stars from hell — showing all over the city where someone has defecated.

Worst of all, despite Hannity's best efforts, Newsom never answered that damn question, and — most disappointingly — DeSantis never took the opportunity to make it clear just how oily the handsome governor really is.

“Human feces is now a fact of life,” DeSantis said, holding up a map of San Francisco — a map of the stars from hell — showing all over the city where someone has defecated.

The smooth string bean (who always seems to do a creepy Patrick Bateman impression) draws a clear contrast between himself and our aging, ashen-haired commander-in-chief, President Stumblebum.

Yes, Ron rejected Newsom's “slippery and slippery… blizzard of lies,” but he was too stiff and failed to portray Gavin for what he is: the latest in a long line of shameless leftists, willing to do anything or say.

Has this debate revived DeSantis 2024? Unfortunately not.

And the biggest load of hot turds last night came when Governor Pants on Fire was asked about Biden's age and ability.

Hannity to the Governors: What Grade Would You Give President Biden?

Ron: Big Fat F.

Nieuwsom: A.

You could almost hear Biden bellowing from the bowels of the White House, “COME ON MAN! Even I know you're a lying dog-faced pony soldier!'

Newsom to DeSantis: 'I would pick Biden over you out of 100.'

Sick burn, you damn sycophant!

It's clear Newsom doesn't believe anything he says — not about lockdowns or the economy or Biden/Harris or his fake outrage over the pronunciation of the vice president's name (“It's KAH-muh-luh! How dare you!” !').

This debate was a road map for Republicans to 2024. Hold the Democrats' damn feet to the fire because when COVID hit they went full authoritarian and the country is still paying the price.

Unfortunately for Ron – he may not be the man to argue that case.

And Gavin – I wouldn't even start measuring the Oval Office curtains.