Public proposals seem to have created an added fear factor for women who want to stay out of the spotlight and avoid online ridicule if they say no.
When rejection videos are shared online, there is a response of support or shame. The person is expected to say yes to avoid humiliating their partner.
Whether it’s to a man dressed as Elmo in Times Square or to the whole family in attendance, proposing in public can be perceived as manipulative and a form of coercion to say yes, due to the added pressure from bystanders.
And the people on Reddit seem to agree.
A post on the site’s infamous Am I the A**hole thread detailed how a woman was publicly proposed to ten months into their relationship.
Public proposals seem to have added an extra fear factor for women who want to stay out of the spotlight and avoid online ridicule for saying no.
A post on the site’s infamous Am I the A**hole thread detailed the experience of a woman who was publicly proposed to ten months into their relationship
The 22-year-old dated her boyfriend, 26, while she was pursuing her studies and he was looking for a job. They never talked about marriage, other than knowing they were both dating with the intention of eventually tying the knot.
They had only been living together for four months and after such a short time she felt they were not ready for marriage.
But he took her out to dinner to celebrate her birthday and surrounded by a large group of people, he popped the question.
She wrote: ‘I’ve seen too many embarrassing public rejections and I just couldn’t do that to him, so… I said yes, I knew it was wrong, so as I hugged him I whispered, “We need to talk in private.” He smiled, but was visibly nervous.’
Later she had to tell him that she didn’t want to embarrass him in public and that she didn’t want to get married yet.
‘I was hurt that he didn’t consult me first. Of course, things got heated because he realized his proposal was fake. I thought I had compromised by asking if we could have a long engagement to figure life/things out. He agreed, but has been cold towards me ever since.
“I know I was wrong, and I respect the fact that he hurt me, but am I really that much of an asshole?”
Many women who have been in a similar situation, or who dread a public proposal, feel this sentiment, not only because of the sense of public humiliation, but also because of the anger of the internet.
Rejection videos shared online are met with either support or shame, demanding a ‘yes’ to save their partner from humiliation
Michele Velazquez, co-owner of a professional proposal planning company called The Heart Bandits, said, “An introvert would be mortified to do a flash mob proposal in a mall.”
One user responded by saying, “It’s an extreme form of peer pressure. NO ONE wants to be that B**** who rejected that guy in front of all the cameras and family and friends. That’s what viral videos are made of.”
Another agreed, saying, “I knew someone who rejected her significant other at a baseball game. He pulled some strings to get them on the field and proposed. She rejected him simply because she didn’t feel ready to marry him.
“She became the most hated woman in our city, received death threats and was stalked by multiple people. They broke up, of course. She was shocked that he proposed to her, because they had never talked about marriage and he suddenly surprised her.”
Many noted that a public proposal may not be as appealing as it seems.
While the stakes are high for the one handing over the ring, there is a belief that such awkward public proposals stem from selfishness and a lack of consideration for their partner’s feelings.
One person wrote: ‘It was horrible. My ex just wanted attention for himself. I drove hours to see him perform at a college basketball event. I almost didn’t go, but his sister pressured me to go see him. It was a huge crowd and his whole family was there.’
They soon noticed the atmosphere changing and with cameras pointed at her from all angles, she was about to run away.
“It was one of the worst moments of stage fright in my life. In retrospect, I should have realized that my feelings were not important to him and taken that as a sign of what the future would be like with him.”
The user described hiding the details of the proposal from her family out of shame. Her now ex-husband was set to marry the woman he cheated on her with, but the video of her proposal continues to haunt her, as the owner refused to remove the video because it was “their most liked video ever.”
This experience seems to be all too common. Another user proposed at her birthday party and added the same complications.
Another said: ‘My then boyfriend proposed to me at my birthday party, in front of everyone. Because everyone was watching and I didn’t want to make a scene, I felt like I had no choice but to say yes, even though he was manipulative and not a nice person. We broke up shortly after, but it wasn’t pretty when everyone thought we were going to be happily married.’
Michele Velazquez, co-owner of a professional proposal planning company called The Heart Bandits, said, “An introvert would be mortified to do a flash mob proposal in a mall. They might prefer a private location where no one else is around.”
She added that the pressure that comes with proposing at all is only felt in public: “That pressure is felt by the person proposing because they know everyone is watching and they’re hoping for a ‘yes.’ Plus, the person proposing feels pressured to say ‘yes.'”
Users on Reddit shared similar thoughts, saying that marriage was often not discussed beforehand, resulting in an embarrassing “no” for both parties.
One commenter wrote: ‘This is why you shouldn’t propose publicly unless you’ve talked about it and know for sure that the person you’re proposing to will say yes AND wants it to be done in front of others. Some of us are introverts and would be shocked and uncomfortable at a public display like this. It’s also concerning that he doesn’t know you well enough to know that you wouldn’t want a public proposal.’
Not everyone was completely against the idea, some agreed that the romantic gesture could be just what your partner would like. The key seems to be to understand your partner and talk about it first.
In a Reddit thread dedicated to discussing the idea of public proposals, another said, “I think it’s super cool as long as the suitor knows their partner is into public proposals and would love it if it happened to them, and they’ve both discussed getting married soon. People who test their partner are doing something manipulative, whether they intend to or not.”
Others weren’t necessarily against a public proposal, but they were against the crowds. For example, someone on the same thread said the proposal was public, but in the botanical gardens, away from the crowds.
“I would have been very shy and insecure, even if my answer hadn’t changed. It was nice to have that more private moment when he asked the question.”
Wedding planning experts at The Knot have shared the do’s and don’ts for planning a “smooth and unforgettable” public proposal.