Have you fallen into the ABC sex life trap? (That’s when you only have sex on anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas.) Here’s how to get out of the rut!

Women today have less sex than our grandmothers. At the time, women didn’t even know what a bikini wax was. Now there is so much pressure to perform in the bedroom, look great and have endless stamina.

I see a lot of women who think, ‘I’m not interested anymore, my libido is gone, I’m too stressed, my hormones are all over the place and I don’t like my body!’ That’s why they have so little sex.

So women fall into the trap of ABC sex, which is only on anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas. Aside from the lack of frequency, this planned “mandatory” sex is the kind of sex some women have when they’re trying to get pregnant. It is often perfunctory, unromantic and there is no seduction involved. To be honest, it has become a chore.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. I’ve worked with many couples who have fallen into the ABC trap or haven’t had sex at all in years, but they can start over.

And that can be exciting. After all, it’s almost like being a virgin again when couples get things back on track. If this all sounds familiar, here’s my guide to making Christmas sex so orgasmic you’ll want to continue the celebrations all year round…

Choose yours words wisely

Banish all thoughts of ‘extinguishing’. Remember: you are with someone you love, and sex is an expression of love. Your words shape your reality, so when you say to yourself, “It’s Christmas, so I need to have sex with my partner,” that language makes you think it’s something that needs to happen and that you need to get out of the way.

The first step is to stop talking to yourself like that and remember why you are with them.

Rephrase it as, “I’m with someone who loves and desires me, and I feel the same way and I want to reactivate that sexual spark.”

The way you think about everything really comes down to the words you use and the images you form. Remind yourself, ‘Yes, I like my husband. I want to reconnect with him. He may have a bit of a big belly, but I love him, and he loves me, and neither of us has perfect bodies – and that’s okay!’

It’s also important not to put sex on the back burner so that it becomes part of the thankless tasks we all have to do, like taking out the bins and emptying the dishwasher.

Take your pick tonight New Year’s Eve

If you are one of those people who celebrate important days with sex, then this is something about Christmas sex. It doesn’t necessarily work on Christmas Day – so don’t feel bad if you didn’t do it then. Why would you choose the day when you are busy with a full house and may have guests in the spare room, and when you are stuffed with too much rich food.

The same goes for New Year’s Eve. Too many expectations – and a fancy dinner plus staying up late – isn’t always a recipe for a great time in bed.

Sex should be erotic, exciting and a bit mysterious. The problem is that when you’ve been with someone for a long time, you have intimacy, and that’s often the enemy of eroticism. The connection between eroticism and intimacy is fantasy. Discover yours – and his, and you’ll find the sex is a lot better.

Ask him what would turn him on, what would be exciting. Maybe it’s just about dressing up or role-playing, but if it’s going to be an event, make it a real event.

Think of the candles and the food and the music; it all helps. And choose a day when you have no other obligations – today seems good to me!

Think of the younger you

People who have been married for a long time tend not to kiss as much as when they first got together. So before you have sex again, try holding hands while watching TV, cuddle more, take a bath together, ask your partner to wash your hair, and do things that are sensual. Kissing is a good starting point.

Play the songs you loved when you were dating. It will help you remember how you felt when you first met your partner. Dance together to your wedding song; the music can remind you how much you loved sex and how connecting and exciting it was.

You’ve probably done it in the kitchen, on the stairs, and in the hallway, so you need to remember that and look at it again.

Leave the bedroom

Don’t just have sex in bed. If you’re only going to do it three times a year, make it memorable – and you might even want more. But sex shouldn’t be a transaction – you should enjoy each other.

Buy some erotic literature, such as the new book Want by Gillian Anderson or My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday. Watch an erotic film, something like Belle De Jour, Secretary of Eyes Wide Shut.

It will save you years

When women have sex, we release oxytocin, which helps fight infections because it strengthens your immune system and fights depression… plus it’s anti-aging!

Orgasms do things for women that they just don’t do for men – because every time you have one, nature thinks you’re going to have a baby, so it will start to slow down how you age to make sure you are fit enough to raise that child.

It’s the glue that makes you feel connected – it’s the one thing you don’t do with anyone else, so why not make it a priority?

Forget what you look like

Focus on what it feels like to be wrapped around your partner’s body and holding each other. Enthusiasm is more important than looking perfect.

If women don’t like their body, they don’t want to share it with anyone. They mistakenly think that everyone else looks good, and that makes them feel inadequate. But comparison is the thief of joy. Remember, men don’t care if you have cellulite. What they like is an enthusiastic, fun, warm partner.

Use candles, crawl under the sheets and put on lingerie that makes you feel good. No one expects you to look like a movie star, but make sure you feel like one too!

Enjoy what it feels like to enjoy them and have them enjoy you – it’s one of the best feelings in the world.

Keep going!

Make it a New Year’s resolution to have more sex – at least twice a month to keep the spark alive. That’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with planning sex, as long as it isn’t a chore.

Many women wait until the kids are at a party on Saturday afternoon, then go home and have sex with their husbands. Plan it with enthusiasm because you want to, not because he expects it.