Have sex before you go out to dinner. Never tell your partner your fantasies… As she dies at 96, why the unvarnished sex advice from the legendary Dr Ruth is as relevant today as it was 40 years ago

When I heard the news that the indomitable Dr. Ruth, sex expert, author of 40 books, renowned radio host and courageous Holocaust survivor, had died on Friday at the ripe old age of 96, a moment of sadness at her passing quickly gave way to a smile.

It is impossible for me to think of this petite and delightful pioneer of sexual straight-talking without remembering both her sparkling personality and her wonderful humor. And the fact that, although she is gone now, her legacy and her wisdom are still very much alive — and still relevant — today.

Giving sex advice that resembled “good chicken soup,” to quote Ruth Westheimer herself, was undoubtedly the key to her phenomenal success.

At just 4 feet 10 inches tall and with a voice that the Wall Street Journal described as a cross between Henry Kissinger (because of the German accent she never lost) and Minnie Mouse, Dr. Ruth dished out her warmth in spades — on radio, TV and in books including Dr. Ruth’s Guide To Good Sex, The Art Of Arousal and Sex For Dummies — without ever coming across as shrill or threatening in her no-nonsense approach.

The words clitoris and penis sounded as mundane as a potato.

When I first saw Dr. Ruth in the early 80s when I was deputy editor of Cosmopolitan, I thought this short, middle-aged lady with a foreign accent was a parody. It turned out she had degrees in psychology and sociology, a PhD, and had been working as a sex therapist for a while. That’s when I really started listening to her.

Her advice was simple and to the point. When asked how to perform oral sex on a man, she suggested, “Pretend it’s an ice cream cone.”

A suggestion that may not seem surprising now, but when it first began broadcasting in the US in 1980, it made more than just airwaves.

The sexual revolution that had begun in the 1960s had already led to greater openness about sexual matters – and a shift away from the clinical approach of people like the American scientists William H. Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, who studied sexual responses in the laboratory but were not exactly popular communicators.

By the mid-1980s, talking about sex was becoming more acceptable, especially in magazines like Cosmopolitan, which I edited from 1985 to 1990. But Dr. Ruth, speaking so candidly on radio and television rather than in print, brought the conversation to a wider audience, one that was as open to men as it was to women.

Those of us working on UK Cosmopolitan at the time regarded Dr Ruth as a fellow traveller and we applauded her from across the pond.

Much of what Dr. Ruth said then is still valid today, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth repeating. There is still a lot of fear and ignorance surrounding sexuality.

There’s fear of failure. Fear of how we look. Fear of pornography. Fear of what’s okay and what’s not — all undoubtedly exacerbated by social media.

Dr. Ruth advised couples to have sex before going out to dinner

Dr. Ruth advises that if you are having a work-related affair, you should not tell your partner

Nothing was off-limits to Dr. Ruth. And who doesn’t need to be reminded sometimes, as Dr. Ruth wisely stated, that, “If you’re always waiting for that orgasm, you’re not going to enjoy lovemaking as much. You run the risk of being goal-oriented and impatient for that orgasm.”

Obvious, perhaps. Sensible, certainly. But when it comes to sex, the sensible and the obvious are often forgotten.

I always listened intently to Ruth’s advice. A personal favorite of mine was her suggestion that “You don’t have to share your fantasies.”

I was of the opinion that a shared fantasy is no longer a fantasy; and anyway your partner might not like it, or get jealous, especially if he/she is not involved! So I want to thank Dr. Ruth for giving me the courage to stay quiet.

In today’s quagmire of sexual politics and the murky waters of consent, Dr. Ruth’s flippant statement that “no one should lie naked in bed unless they have decided to have sex” may not go down well.

“The idea that once you’re aroused and you’ve already started, you have to ask, ‘Can I touch your left breast or your right breast?’ is just nonsense,” she once said.

And, unfortunately, “put down your screen and get to know each other” may be wishful thinking. But Dr. Ruth certainly hasn’t lost her touch.

While speaking out against offensive, extreme and violent pornography, in 2019 she still advocated that sexually explicit material is a useful addition to many people’s sex lives.

In other words, she refused to condemn porn per se because she felt it could still be seen as a sexual aid. She even debated the motion ‘Porn has a place in sex education’ at the Oxford Union.

Candid, funny, entertaining and insightful, on issues of intimacy. Sadly, there may never be another Dr. Ruth.

Dr. Ruth, sex expert, author of 40 books, celebrity broadcaster and courageous Holocaust survivor, died Friday at the ripe old age of 96

Dr. Ruth: Lifelong Advice for a Great Sex Life…

1. Be a good kisser. The sensations that come with kissing feel so good, so intense. It is an important part of sex. Don’t neglect it.
2. No one is born a great lover. Everyone needs practice.
3. Put down the screen and get to know each other.
4. Having sex before going out to dinner.
5. You are not twins. You and your partner do not want to have sex at the same time, or the same amount of sex. Be willing to adjust to what your partner needs.
6. Set the mood. It’s a myth that great sex has to be spontaneous — rarely do two people reach their climax without planning. Don’t be rushed. Give your partner your full attention the moment they walk in the door, not just before you get in bed.
7. Don’t be jealous of your partner’s fantasy lovers. After years of being together, many people need fantasy to get excited for sex… with their partner.
8. Don’t be goal oriented. If you’re always waiting for that orgasm, you’re not going to enjoy the rest of lovemaking as much.
9. Your sex life doesn’t have to end when you reach a certain age.
10. Men, want stronger sperm? Eat walnuts. [Strange as it sounds, there is evidence to show that walnuts can improve your sperm count. A recent American study of 100 men eating a handful, around 45g, of walnuts a day for three months showed notable improvements in sperm motility, morphology and vitality.]
11. Make up your own games. Like an onion ring on a stiff penis!
12. Don’t have sex on the first date. If you wait until you’ve built a relationship with someone and admire and respect them — only then can you have great sex.
13. Men, don’t obsess over the size of your penis. Let’s shout it from the rooftops: size has nothing to do with a woman’s sexual satisfaction.
14. Ladies, you don’t have to share your fantasies. If you’re having sex with your partner and you’re imagining a whole football team in bed, that’s okay, but keep your mouth shut about it.
15. Sex is not a selfish act. Just because no one else can feel your orgasm doesn’t mean they can’t share your pleasure. Tell your lover what you want. You’ve taken your clothes off, so what’s the problem with peeling away some of that shell that covers your psyche?
16. Don’t get into a rut. The first ten, twenty, maybe even a hundred times you have sex with someone, you’ll experience a certain excitement — but eventually the novelty wears off. Try something new every now and then: a different sexual position, having sex at a different time of day, or doing it quickly when you normally take your time.
17. The more women have sex, the less severe the menopausal symptoms associated with good sexual function.
18. Show your body to your partner, show it off and try to feel good about it.
19. You’re on a business trip. You go out to dinner with a coworker, drink too much… and end up having sex, even though you’re both married. You have no feelings for this person and you both regret what happened. Do you tell your partner? I say no. No matter how well they take your news, it will leave a scar on your relationship.
20. Elderly should be sexually literate. No sex in the evening when they are tired. The best way for elderly to have sex is after a good night sleep.
21. Nursing homes should have a dating room. There is a need for caressing and being held at all ages.
22. Anything that two consenting adults do in the privacy of their own bedrooms—masturbation, fantasies, love dolls—is fine with me.
23. Be careful. The most important sex organ is not below your belt, but between your ears. If you are afraid of getting pregnant or catching a disease, you will not have great sex. Safe sex is not only less dangerous, but also more fun.
24. Pay attention to every inch of your lover, not just her genitals. Touch her hair, caress her back, caress her legs, rub her feet. Touch each other every day, without thinking about sex. Cuddle. Hold hands. Wash each other. All that touching brings you closer together.
25. A good sexual experience needs time: for excitement, but also for cuddling and kissing after sex. Afterplay is part of the excitement phase for the next encounter.