Dear Jane,
My youngest son is 21 years old and recently introduced us to his girlfriend. He met her on a dating app and they have been seeing each other for about three months.
He is completely obsessed with her and never comes home from college on weekends because he chooses to visit her.
This wouldn’t bother me so much if I really liked her, but unfortunately I don’t.
She is rude and spoiled. She talks down to the waiters when we go out to eat and never thanks me and my husband for paying for her meals or for letting her stay with us (on the rare occasion she allows them to come to our house instead of to hers).
Not only do I find her ugly on the inside, I also find the way she presents herself unattractive.
She cherishes so much makeup. In fact, I’ve never seen her without a full face of makeup – including fake eyelashes (even at the breakfast table at 7am).
The clothes she wears never cease to shock me. Her outfits usually consist of little skirts and push-up bras, even when we go to nice restaurants or family parties. I’ve had to bite my tongue several times when she appears with her midriff out and her cleavage visible.
Dear Jane: I hate my son’s girlfriend because of her ugly habits.
Besides the fact that I don’t like her or think she is worthy of my son, she is also a bad influence on him. Since they started dating, his grades have slipped and he has given up extracurricular activities, such as playing lacrosse and volunteering at the dog shelter, to spend time with her instead.
If I don’t say anything now, I’m afraid I’ll regret it later, but would it be an exaggeration to express my disgust for my son?
By,
Mama’s boy
International bestselling author Jane Green provides sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her column about Aunt’s agony
Dear mama’s boy,
As any mother of a 21-year-old knows, they will undoubtedly make decisions that we don’t approve of.
You may think you know what’s best for your son (and you probably do), but there are some things in life you need to discover for yourself.
Although you can clearly see the ways his girlfriend is terrible, I recommend that you keep your mouth shut tightly and let him realize her shortcomings for himself.
Yes, let this relationship take its natural course. Frankly, it’s unlikely that your son’s current boyfriend will be “the one,” given his young age.
But if you tell him she’s not worth it, if you say you disapprove of her clothes and mannerisms, or if you interfere in their relationship, you risk alienating him.
Trust me, this is the last thing you want. Instead, try to embrace this relationship…while it lasts.
Be sure to talk to him about his declining grades and ask how you can help him focus more on schoolwork. But other than that, there’s not much you can do (or should do).
This won’t be the first time you experience such powerlessness. As our children grow into adults, they inevitably make more of their own decisions. That’s healthy.
As much as we want to protect them from mistakes and disappointments, there is no better teacher than life itself.
The most loving thing we can do (sometimes) is let them fail. This is the only way they will learn the hard lessons that teach resilience, and how to get back up after a fall without the helping hand of mom and dad.