Handsy Trump impersonators… the mean-girl CNN anchor who stared me down… and Vivek’s secret Senate plan: KENNEDY’s hilarious dispatch from inside the RNC that proves 2024 is even crazier than you think

On the third night of the RNC, a new MAGA star was born.

Too bad for JD Vance, but it wasn’t him.

As a dedicated correspondent, I have been in Milwaukee since Tuesday, keeping an eye on all the chaos within the GOP.

From my vantage point (Wednesday evening in the bar of a conference venue) it seemed that the keynote speaker was the least talked about speaker of the day.

As the bearded Beltway outsider took the stage, the audience’s eyes turned to their iPhones to catch up on the latest news about President Joe Biden testing positive for COVID.

Delegates scrolled doom-mongering and laughed as Vance railed about “cheap Chinese goods” [made] with cheap foreign labor.’ (He better not look at the labels on that ‘Trump 2024’ merchandise.)

In fact, no one batted an eyelid until Vance started telling the story about his self-described “hillbilly” grandmother who raised him in Ohio’s Rust Belt while his mother was a drug addict.

When “Mamaw” died, Vance said, the family found 19 loaded handguns in her home, “under her bed, in her closet, in her silverware drawer.”

Then Vance recognized his mother, Bev, sitting next to House Speaker Mike Johnson, and his heavily mascaraed eyes (not mine! My heart is too hard to ruin a good pair of fake lashes) filled with tears.

“I’m proud to say that tonight my mother is here, 10 years clean and sober. I love you, Mom,” he said, causing the crowd at the convention to erupt.

Although neither Bev nor Mamaw stole MAGA’s hearts last night.

That award went to 17-year-old Kai Trump, the former president’s eldest granddaughter, who displayed the poise of a woman twice her age. She told the crowd, “A lot of people put my grandpa through hell, and he’s still standing.”

She took off the old orange block.

On the night Donald introduced his running mate to America, it was Trump who made all the headlines.

What’s more Trumpian than that?

Murder Chic

Donald’s brush with death has sparked a surprising new fashion trend among the GOP’s 50-somethings.

I met Joe Neglia, a representative from Arizona who had a white envelope taped to his right ear.

He did it in solidarity with 45, who proudly paraded through the hall with a large bandage over his severely deformed right earlobe.

The only downside is that the already hearing-impaired delegates have become deaf.

The best of Milwaukee?

On the convention floor, I also encountered a hands-on, lovesick Trump impersonator in a blond wig and MAGA hat. He looked, well, drunk.

I was afraid he was going to vault into Fox News host Shannon Bream’s TV booth for a kiss.

Man, where’s the Secret Service when you need them?

One way ticket to Crazytown

At a book signing for MAGA rodeo clown Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, I ran into two Texas congressmen who had waited hours to meet their idol.

“In 2028, MTG and Congresswoman Lauren Boebert will lead the Republican party, mark our words,” Jan swore, as her friend Alice nodded in agreement.

Well, in our bat poop-ridden politics, that might make sense.

Mean Girls and GILFs

Hungry journalists and attention-hungry legislators got a chance to socialize on the unimaginatively named CNN Grill.

But when I grabbed a salad and a Coca-Cola Zero, I was given a strange look by CNN’s snotty chief political correspondent, Dana Bash.

The network’s head GILF certainly knows how to charm a fangirl.

When Wolf Blitzer walked by, I screamed, “Blitzer, what a sexy beast!”

Without blinking, he replied, “That’s right.”

Muppets conquer Milwaukee

Speaking of Silver Fox, who was that handsome man with the radiant, rough skin and luscious, salt-and-pepper curls?

The new Golden Bachelor? Sam Eagle from The Muppets?

No, it was the fascinatingly boring governor of North Dakota, Doug Burgum, who had just lost the Veep Olympics.

“Hey, Doug!” I called, “I thought it was you. You were at the top of my list.”

He looked at me reassuringly, like a man who has just been told that his tumor is benign.

“It’s okay, I have the best job in the world,” Burgum said.

“Ah, yes,” I said. “You’re the governor of Dakota who didn’t shoot his dog!”

Let go of Elise!

I walked past New York Congresswoman Elise Stefanik, who was enjoying her speech after the convention.

In December, she won over conservatives when she criticized former Harvard President Claudine Gay as a serial plagiarist and defender of anti-Semites.

“I hope you do to the director of the Secret Service what you did to Claudine Gay!” I screamed.

“Oh, don’t worry,” she replied. “I have plenty of questions.”

Rudy can fail

You could almost hear the Merlot sloshing as America’s mayor stumbled in slow motion into a row of folding chairs with his butt over a teapot on Wednesday afternoon.

It took two strong staff members to get him back on his feet.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen and can rise no more.

‘Shut up Gaetz’

Bad Florida Congressman Matty Gaetz threw a spanner in the works for RNC unity night on Tuesday when he slammed former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy in the middle of an interview.

The two have been feuding since McCarthy said Gaetz begged him to stop a House investigation into allegations that Gaetz paid a teenager for sex.

Gaetz started yelling at McCarthy, “If you’re on that [convention] You’d be booed off the stage. You’d be booed off the stage.’

But one Illinois representative spoke for all of us when he looked Gaetz straight in the face and said, “Shut up Gaetz… you’re an asshole.”

Tight and shiny

I spoke to the angry Florida resident myself before his speech on Wednesday.

His tense forehead shone like the underside of a stretched beaver pelt.

“Are you speaking tonight?” I asked.

Gaetz: ‘No, tomorrow. I had to rewrite my speech 87 times… I wanted to talk about the assassination attempt, but they don’t want anyone to touch it.’

“You know me,” he said. “I tell it like it is, I’m honest.”

Gulp!

Eat your Wheaties

Outside the Fiserv Forum, where the magic happens, you’ll find a glittering collection of expensive, Chinese-made MAGA merchandise.

A box of “Trump cereal” will cost you $20. The same goes for the “I’m Voting For The Felon” T-shirt.

You can rest assured that you will no longer be allowed to attend your niece’s naming ceremony… or you will get your money back!

Vivek in the House!

I ran into former Motormouth GOP candidate and Jimmy Neutron impersonator Vivek Ramaswamy on the Fox News set of Gutfeld! Wednesday night.

“It looks like there’s actually going to be a Vivek in the White House!” I said. (JD Vance and his wife Usha have a son named Vivek.)

That got me a laugh and a scoop: Vivek could run for Vance’s Senate seat.