REVEALED: Best supporting bustier… most bungled banter… worst host… and most mocked royals – KENNEDY's wicked scathing verdict on the Rusting Golden Globes

J. Robert Oppenheimer may be the father of The Bomb.

But Golden Globes host Jo Koy is the mom with the red face, because he caused an absolute nuclear apocalypse on stage last night.

This D-list comedian's cringe-inducing opening monologue during this perpetual exercise in Hollywood humiliation got Christoper Nolan thinking… continued!

Koy – who approached this sinking ship at the last minute, after literally everyone else had said no – started fanboying over Meryl Streep.

As a child, he said, his mother always said the Best Actress winner would always be the Iron Lady: “It's Meryl Streep, stupid!”

Was that a joke? Because it was stupid.

To her credit, Streep gave the performance of her career as the invisible woman, sitting next to a sparkling Martin Short, who looked like he was in ecstasy through an IV.

Only Koy's shiny white mouth full of chick teeth could match Marty's shine.

And things went south quickly. After a particularly lame joke, Koy addressed the unamused audience: “Yo, I got the gig ten days ago! Do you want a perfect monologue? Quiet! I wrote a few of them, and they make you laugh!'

To her credit, Streep turned in the performance of her career as the invisible woman, sitting next to a sparkling Martin Short (above, right), who looked like he was in ecstasy through an IV.

Koy's only Golden Gag was a sweetly satisfying whack at everyone's favorite pinatas, Prince Harold and Duchess of Delusion. “It turns out Harry and Meghan Markle still got millions of dollars for doing absolutely nothing – and that's just from Netflix.”

You could almost hear the plates hitting the dining room walls at Montecito as Hollywood royalty laughed.

The moment was made even more delightful with a tight camera shot of an uncomfortable Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos, jaw clenched, no doubt thinking about the millions that have gone down the drain.

Angela Basset and the unnaturally smooth Jared Leto (leave some Botox for the rest of us) started out as beautiful co-hosts. And Jesus! There's something about that messianic beard/chemical peel combo that works for him.

Da'Vine Joy Randolph's corset should have won for best supportive bustier.

As she walked over to receive her statuette for 'The Holdovers', her gigantic breasts were barely contained by a bra that could have been called 'The Holdunders'.

I was on the edge of my seat because I was sure we were about to have a Janet Jackson-esque nip-slip as Da'Vine's cups spilled.

Newly divorced Kevin Costner won the award for THE MOST botched banter of the evening. I was afraid he was having a stroke when he smelled his conversation with America Ferrera. I know Kev is on the mend, but it's time to accept that his sexy cowboy days are long gone.

Oh, how we miss the 90s.

You know it's all over when Hollywood's Hunter Biden doesn't even mention jail or rehab if he wins a Golden Frickin' Globe. “I took a beta blocker, so this will be a piece of cake,” joked Robert Downey Jr, who delivered a masterful performance as Lewis Strauss in “Oppenheimer.”

How far we are from heroin, crack and a .357 Magnum in his pickup.

Da'Vine Joy Randolph's corset should have won for best supportive bustier.

Angela Basset and the unnaturally smooth Jared Leto (leave some Botox for the rest of us) started out as beautiful co-hosts. And Jesus! There's something about that messianic beard/chemical peel combo that works for him.

I was afraid he was having a stroke when he smelled his conversation with America Ferrera. I know Kev is on the mend, but it's time to accept that his sexy cowboy days are long gone.

Indeed, Oppenheimer's cast improved (Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Director and Best Score), as did Succession's motley crew (Best TV Drama, Best Actress and Best Actor).

Margot Robbie got her honors, not in acting awards, but in a completely made-up category for box office performance.

The aging Hollywood Foreign Press Associations are so laughably out of step with the moviegoing public that they have effectively created a category that has absolutely nothing to do with critics.

Ali Wong won best female actor in a miniseries for “Beef,” but her expressionless fellow nominee Elizabeth Olsen could have won for “Embalmed” because that dude looked dead in her smoky, shadowy chicks.

The truth is, the shine was nowhere to be seen at last night's Rusty Globes.

The circle of irony came full circle when comedy professional Jim Gaffigan stepped up to announce the first-ever award for Best Performance in Television Stand-Up Comedy.

Gaffigan did in 30 seconds what Koy couldn't do in three hours: he was funny.

Gaffigan joked about his gratitude for the invitation even though he is not a pedophile — a hysterical blow to the celebrities mentioned in Jeffrey Epstein's latest name dump. They haven't felt this exposed since…well…Harvey Weinstein.

Koy's only Golden Gag was a sweetly satisfying whack at everyone's favorite pinatas, Prince Harold and Duchess of Delusion. “It turns out Harry and Meghan Markle still got millions of dollars for doing absolutely nothing – and that's just from Netflix.”

Margot Robbie (above, right) got her due, not in acting awards, but in a completely made-up category for box office performance.

Gaffigan did in 30 seconds what Koy couldn't do in three hours: he was funny.

You'd think the perpetually woke Golden Globes would award this most important award to literally anyone except the cisgender, rich white dude who once famously torched the fragile egos of every narcissist in the room. (Chris Rock, Sarah Silverman, Amy Schumer and Wanda Sykes were also nominated)

But Gervais won! And even better, he wasn't even there to accept the award in person.

So perfect! We know Hollywood is more irrelevant than ever, but now it just feels pathetic.

We didn't hear a peep about politics from this packed room of professional pretenders (except for a series of jokes about how white people are alcoholic idea thieves).

I was waiting for someone – anyone – to lecture me about the apartheid state in Gaza, but these working actors are too afraid to become the Susan Sarandon of the rest of their industry.

Most cowardly, not a word was said about the Israeli hostages held by Hamas while they sipped champagne.

Maybe this is for the best. America grew tired of being lectured by ass kissers who had long ago suffocated in their own bubble.

So here's to more boobs, Botox and bozos to mock… and celebrities keeping their stupid opinions to themselves.

And finally, America and Hollywood agree on one thing: no one likes Harry and Meghan!