DEAR JANE: I don’t want to ‘kink shame’ my girlfriend – but the costume she wants me to wear in bed is too disturbing

Dear Jane,

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year now and everything has been pretty much perfect.

We are compatible in every way, including in the bedroom. We are both adventurous and like to switch things up to keep our sex life exciting.

So I wasn’t really surprised when she recently suggested using costumes in the bedroom. When she first brought up the idea, I imagined it might involve a police hat or firefighter suspenders.

But she had something else in mind…

The other day, as we were getting ready for bed, she pulled out a bag and told me to look in it. I reached in and pulled out a priest’s collar.

This is definitely a mistake, I thought.

But no, my girlfriend wants me to wear a clerical collar to bed to satisfy some religious kink.

I don’t practice any specific religion, but my girlfriend grew up in an extremely Catholic home and I wonder if this bizarre desire could be the result of some childhood trauma related to the church.

I find it really disturbing and don’t want to participate.

On the other hand, I know she would do anything I asked her to do in the bedroom, and I don’t want to “shame” her. So I feel bad turning down this one wish.

So, do I wear the collar even if it makes me uncomfortable? Or should I refuse and risk upsetting her or making her self-conscious?

By,

Kink-shamer

International bestselling author Jane Green provides sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her column about Aunt’s agony

Dear Kink shammer,

Goodness. I expected something much worse than a priest’s collar.

Personally, I find this quite mild, given the huge range of kinks. But I don’t want to invalidate your discomfort.

I’m wondering why you feel so strongly about the collar, especially considering your own lack of religion.

You use the word “disturbing,” which is a harsh word. Maybe you should do some serious research into why this particular (fairly harmless) ‘kink’ leaves such a bad taste in your mouth.

You suggest that your friend may have had some historical trauma, but I wonder if there was something in your own childhood that led to your strong aversion to religion and the images that come with it.

I urge you to share your feelings with your girlfriend. An open and honest discussion about your discomfort should ensure that you are both on the same page, and prevent either of you from feeling guilty or ashamed.

As I often point out to people who write about their bedroom problems, the vast majority of these problems stem from a lack of communication.

Yes, it can be difficult to talk about certain topics, especially ones that are intimate or embarrassing. But the more open and honest we are, the more our relationships flourish.