Georgia Kousoulou says she will ‘never get over the feeling’ of losing her baby after suffering a devastating miscarriage but still hopes to have a big family and longs for four children

Georgia Kousoulou says she will ‘never get over the feeling’ of losing her baby after suffering a devastating miscarriage at 12 weeks.

The former TOWIE star, 32, who shares son Brody, two, with husband Tommy Mallet, 31, has started therapy after struggling with emotional triggers and feeling ‘exhausted’ by grief.

And Georgia’s grief resurfaced as she reflected on her trauma while writing a new book I Wish I Knew, in which she speaks openly about the grief of baby loss.

Nearly a year after the nightmare, Georgia says she is ‘distracted’ by ‘dream child’ Brody, but often experiences negative thoughts, especially when on social media.

But she wants to try to have more children with Tommy, who she married in a surprise ceremony last year, because she always imagined herself having a large family like it was when she grew up with two siblings.

She said, “I don’t think you’ll ever get over this feeling.

‘I just started therapy, I’m doing much better, luckily I have Brody, the love of my life, he’s a dream kid and keeps me distracted, but there are still triggers. The problem with infant loss is that there are triggers everywhere.

‘All my Instagram is babies or weddings. The hardest thing I’ve learned is that it’s okay to be sad but happy for other people.

‘I really struggled with that… I thought I was a bad person.

‘The aftermath is exhausting, it’s difficult. Hopefully one day I’ll be pregnant again and maybe that will make me feel better, but I don’t know.

‘I really want a big family; I see us having three or four children. When you’re old, you look at your table and it’s full of people, that’s what it comes down to.”

Although Georgia says writing her book was a cathartic experience, she also had to deal with reliving many of her past traumas.

The Baby Steps star previously explained that she had to have an abortion after doctors discovered a rare chromosome abnormality that left the couple’s baby with no chance of survival.

If she had continued her pregnancy, her baby would have been miscarried or stillborn.

Recording the audiobook was extremely difficult, but Georgia says confronting her heartache helped her move forward, and she urges women with similar emotions to do the same.

She said: ‘Writing the book brought back a lot of bad memories… especially the loss of a baby because that wasn’t in the brief.

‘I was pregnant when I wrote the book and then it all changed and that was difficult. I thought I should add this chapter. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I had to.

“I did the audio recording in January… that was hard. I remember just coming off my period and telling the producer I needed some time because you’re really… it’s so raw.

‘I speak from my heart and I relive it. I know it will help people, so I have to keep going. It helps me afterwards, because the more I talk, the better I feel.’

Georgia also discusses in her book feeling “lost” after becoming a mother for the first time, saying, “I looked like a different person.”

She went from being a glamorous TV star to wearing only “baggy clothes” and says that when Tommy went back to work and friends’ visits stopped, she wondered, “What do I do now?”

Becoming a mother was also difficult, with Georgia admitting she was paid to promote a number of baby products that she didn’t even know how to use herself.

She said: “I remember having Brody and I was in a really dark place, my hormones were all over the place and I felt so low.

‘It’s really difficult because you’re yourself all the time and then you’re a mother and you have to take care of this person.

‘They need you all day long, the TV you watch is children’s TV, the food you cook is for them, your whole life revolves around this tiny little person telling you what to do.

‘If I could give myself some advice now it would be: don’t put too much pressure on yourself, give yourself that time, because it’s a lot.’

Georgia credits partner of ten years Tommy for helping her regain her confidence.

She remembers the shoe entrepreneur who arranged for a babysitter and took her shopping, where he treated her to new clothes.

The gesture is one that Georgia says will stay with her forever because it was the first step towards feeling like her old self again.

She said, ‘Tommy saved me. He was great with me.

‘I’ll never forget, one day he took me shopping and I said I didn’t want to go but we went out and he bought me really nice gym stuff.

‘I got really excited about my new little wardrobe he bought for me, I felt confident about it, just by giving me a few more outfits it boosted my confidence and then I started getting my hair done again and I felt me myself. ‘

Georgia and Tommy shocked their fanbase by posting a photo from the day of their legal wedding after secretly tying the knot last December.

Georgia wrote on Instagram: ‘After a challenging year we decided we wanted to end the year happy, in love and together as husband and wife. Wedding part two coming soon…’

And now Georgia has revealed she’s the opposite of a bridezilla and is under pressure from her wedding planner to make some big decisions.

She said: ‘I’m so excited for our Spanish wedding next year.

‘I hardly organized anything because I’m the worst bride. I haven’t thought about this since I was a kid, like most girls. I wasn’t that girl.

“I don’t have a band, I just have 12 bridesmaids, which is so dramatic. It will be chaos and one big party.

‘But I know what I want to wear. I’m going to have my dress designed and buy an evening gown because I just want to get dirty and dance the night away.”

• I Wish I Knew by Georgia Kousoulou, available February 29, RRP £18.99