If you’ve ever been cheated on – and most of us have – you know how devastating it can be.
It’s not surprising, then, that many people don’t believe cheaters should ever be forgiven.
I was one of them: my father had a ten-year affair, which left me with trust issues that took years to resolve.
That – and compelling research from the world leader in infidelity, Belgian therapist Esther Perel – changed my mind.
If you are the victim of infidelity and with an otherwise generally decent person, I strongly believe there is a case for forgiveness.
Tracey Cox shares her expert advice on how to deal with a cheating partner and why it might work best if you don’t leave the relationship (stock image)
Here’s what I’ve discovered over the years. Maybe it can help you too.
1. Cheating doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t love you
Not every act of infidelity is premeditated or motivated by dissatisfaction.
Here’s a sobering fact: happy people cheat. You could be in the happiest, healthiest relationship and your partner could still cheat on you.
Why? Some people succumb to opportunistic infidelity: they are attached and committed to their partner, but when they find themselves in a situation where they have the opportunity to cheat, they don’t say no. Alcohol and drugs are often involved (no surprise).
Even if it is an ongoing affair, it may be purely about sex. When people say, “It didn’t mean anything,” they’re usually saying, “This was about sex, not love.” Many people are able to separate love and sex: they are convinced that sex with someone else does not mean that they do not love their partner.
2. It might not be their fault
There has been a shift from the old way of thinking that placed all the blame solely on the person who went astray.
Today we realize that it takes two people to maintain a satisfying relationship, and some things happen when one person feels unloved, undervalued, or treated poorly.
Research proves that not all cheaters are chronic flirts or immature idiots; nice, responsible people have affairs too. They may love their partner desperately, but long to experience something for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with their partner.
Tracey said that even if your partner is having an affair, it may just be about sex. When people say, ‘It didn’t mean anything,’ they usually say, ‘This was about sex, not love,’ she explained (Photo: Tracey Cox)
The clichéd midlife crisis affair is a classic example. People don’t reject their partners so much as they try to prove to themselves and the world that they are not growing old. All those experiences that are reserved for young people – the sports car, the hot sex, the young partner – are not beyond my reach.
Research also shows that people often feel powerless when they are in the grip of an affair. It’s common for people to report feeling bewildered. “I have no idea how I actually got there. I didn’t mean to do this or hurt anyone.”
3. Not all relationships are broken by affairs
“You ruined everything,” is a common (and justified) response when people find out their partner is cheating.
It’s true that your relationship will never be the same after an affair, but it can only get better.
Esther Perel says there are two types of affairs: the ‘wake-up affair’ and the ‘break-up affair’.
The breakup happens when the relationship is all but over and cheating is unavoidable or done deliberately to force an end to the situation.
The wake-up affair happens when there are unresolved issues in the relationship and the discovery of an affair forces the couple to confront and address them.
While this can lead to a happy ending, no one ever recommends having an affair as a ‘fix it’ (including Perel).
But there may be an advantage. With nothing to lose in the aftermath of an affair, couples will often talk openly about things they would never discuss before.
A new, better relationship can emerge from the old one.
4. You are very good at forgiving, if not forgetting
About 15-20 percent of couples experience some form of infidelity. About 60-75 percent of those who do stay together – and are happy.
Being able to forgive is the litmus test of whether the relationship can survive the affair. Those who do forgive experience less anxiety, stress, and depression and are able to move forward.
Why can some of us forgive and others cannot? It depends on the severity of the infidelity, who it was with and how long it lasted, the level of remorse the cheating partner showed, and the betrayed person’s ability to process and understand their feelings.
The crucial part of all this is the partner’s remorse: it may take months or years for the betrayed person to feel safe again and for trust to be fully restored. The more patient and contrite your partner is, the more likely forgiveness is.
There’s another reason why others refuse to give in…
5. Forgiveness does not mean condoning
This is a sticking point for many people. If I forgive them and get them back, it means they “got away with it.”
Listen, if this is the sixth affair you’ve forgiven your partner for, you’re condoning bad behavior. Allowing someone to make the same mistake over and over again without consequences puts you in a powerless position.
This is very different from forgiving a spouse who hasn’t put a foot wrong in ten years because of a relatively minor indiscretion.
Forgiveness is not about forgiving the person who hurt you, it is about your own healing. Forgiveness is good for us, not for them.
It also does not mean reconciliation. You can forgive someone and still decide that you no longer want anything to do with him or her. There are actually no downsides to doing it.
However, clinging to hatred is a real way to ensure that you live a totally miserable life. Then the person who hurt you has truly won.
6. You’ll probably recognize the signs if it happens again
A final hurdle for people devastated by betrayal is: what if it happens again? No one wants a double dose of that pain.
The hardest things to forgive are the things that happen when your relationship is at its happiest. If you were completely blindsided by your partner’s infidelity and had no idea anything was going on, why would you give him/her another chance? They got away with it once, but they can get away with it again.
Maybe. But this time they don’t have to deal with a partner who trusts them implicitly. In retrospect, this offers valuable clues: You felt a little suspicious at the time when… Your eyes are wide open and your instincts are on edge.
Most couples introduce rules after an affair and full transparency is one of them. This means you know all their passwords and can check their phone, social media, messages and calls whenever you feel nervous.
Having open access to all information is often the only way the betrayed partner is willing to give another chance. And if the cheater does nothing wrong, why refuse?
Visit traceycox.com for Tracey’s blog, product range, books and details of her weekly podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey.