For years every time I drank alcohol I blacked out and ’caused chaos’ – until the day it almost killed me. Here’s how I turned my life around
Amanda Goff's drinking problem got to her.
The former escort, also known as Samantha
The 49-year-old told FEMAIL her bad relationship with alcohol lasted a decade, but admits the 'last three or four' have been ridiculous.
'When I drank I caused absolute chaos. Every time I got drunk and honestly I don't know how I'm still alive,” she said.
She woke up with strange bruises and a patch from the night before.
Amanda Goff had a drinking problem for ten years, but hasn't had a sip of alcohol in five years and feels better than ever
Amanda said she was hungover for days and had toxic thoughts when she was a drinker – she is pictured here after a night out
“I would be aggressive and start a fight – I was completely dead inside,” she said.
She was consumed with toxic thoughts and suffered from a hangover for days – each time she promised it was the last.
Only to end up in the same position a week later.
“I didn't wake up and have a drink. I was a binge drinker. Towards the end I was drinking almost every weekend,” she said.
Amanda said her friends and family knew she had an alcohol problem before, and they were really concerned about her.
She understood and noticed that other people she knew with similar party animals died, either by suicide or in a horrific accident.
'I knew my life would end in tragedy if I continued to drink, and that terrified me. “I didn't want to die and felt like I was losing control of my life,” she said.
“I didn't want to be the sixty-year-old standing at the bar either.”
Amanda said she drank on weekends, often enjoying a bottle of champagne before passing out
The 49-year-old told FEMAIL her bad relationship with alcohol lasted a decade but admits the 'last three or four' were ridiculous
Amanda, who was still working as Samantha
'I was afraid I would never have a good social life or fun again. But that was an illusion. No one cares what's in your glass,” she said.
“So I kept going back to it.”
One day she woke up in a Melbourne hotel room, looked at the window and “realized why they weren't opening.”
“I was hungover and felt the urge to jump,” she said.
She said she drank to “cope with decisions” she had made.
'Alcohol is very difficult to give up with willpower alone. it is the most addictive, dangerous and widely available drug in the world.”
She called her friend that day and took her to a 12-step recovery meeting.
It's been five years and she hasn't had alcohol since.
Now she is sober, fit, healthy and happy
This photo shows Amanda on her way to the airport, nursing a hangover. She said she would regret every night out and say “never again,” but that wouldn't last long
'I didn't want to die. In reality, at any time I could have killed myself, gotten hit by a car or gone with someone,” she said.
Amanda never had to go to rehab or hospital because of her alcohol use, but admits she probably would have ended up there if she hadn't stuck to the program.
During her recovery, she learned to face the problems she had tried to numb with alcohol.
After she had been clean for a few years, her psychologist was also able to diagnose her as bipolar.
Another photo taken during the bad times: Amanda said she would cause chaos and her life was a complete mess
She explained that people with bipolar disorder often turn to drugs and alcohol as a form of self-medication because it prevents them from feeling all their feelings.
'I couldn't bear to be with myself. “I couldn't change my life and I didn't know what was wrong with me,” she said.
“I was a mess and I'm very sad for the person I was.”
Amanda believes she is a better person inside and out since ditching the booze.
“I used to be very short-tempered, but I haven't raised my voice in years,” she said proudly.
'I make better choices now.'
Amanda says people “all have something” they are addicted to.
'Whether it's shopping, sex, exercise, drugs, alcohol, work, it's always meant to mask what's going on inside.'
She is sharing her story now because it can be a difficult time of year for people in recovery, as there are lots of parties and pressure to drink.
“You are not alone, there is help,” she said.
Her advice is to see your doctor and find a local recovery group.
She also recommends the book “This Naked Mind,” which changed her entire perception of alcohol.