FLOURISHING AFTER 50: I gave my brother $10,000 when he was struggling financially. Now his business is booming but he hasn’t paid me back. What should I do?

Dear Vanessa,

I’m writing to you because I really need some guidance. About fifteen years ago, I loaned my brother $10,000 when he was struggling financially. At the time, he made it clear that he wouldn’t be able to pay it back, and since I wanted to help, I said it was okay and treated it as a gift.

Now his business is booming, and he is much more prosperous. He was even able to get a mortgage, while I’m still renting and can’t afford one. Despite his success, he has made no effort to pay me back, and it is starting to weigh on me. I talked about it years ago, and he told me he didn’t have any extra money at the time, but now that he’s doing so well, it stings even more.

Part of me feels bitter because that money would make a big difference to me now, but I agreed at the time that it was a gift. I don’t want this to hurt our relationship, but I can’t seem to let go of these feelings. What should I do?

Thanks for your advice,

Rose

Send your questions to leading money teacher Vanessa Stoykov floringafter50@dailymail.com.au

Leading money counselor Vanessa Stoykov (above) asks Rose whether it’s more important to maintain her relationship with her brother, or have an open, honest conversation with him to clear the air about the $10,000 she owed him for 15 years gave ago

Dear Rose,

Thank you for sharing your story with me. It is clear that this situation has been weighing heavily on you for some time. It is completely understandable that you feel conflicted. On the one hand, you were generous to your brother in a time of need, and on the other hand, it’s hard not to be disappointed that he didn’t offer to pay the money back, especially when he’s now in a much stronger financial position is in.

The first thing you need to recognize is that your feelings are valid. Money can often evoke complex emotions, especially when it involves family relationships. You made the loan out of love and the desire to help, but circumstances change over time, and now that you see that your brother is doing well, it is natural that you wonder why he did not admit guilt.

That said, you also agreed to treat it as a gift at the time, and while that decision may have felt good at the time, it is now causing you stress and resentment. One way to approach this is to ask yourself what will give you the most peace. Is it more important to maintain the relationship as it is, or do you feel like you need to have an open, honest conversation with him to clear the air?

If you decide to bring it up, approach it from a place of understanding rather than accusation. You could say something like, “I’ve been thinking about the loan I gave you all those years ago. At the time I wanted to help, but now I’m struggling a bit financially, and it would be helpful to get some of that back. Can we talk about what’s possible?’ This opens the door for him to respond without feeling attacked, and it gives you the opportunity to express your feelings without demanding repayment.

But if you think it’s best to let it go for the sake of family harmony, then work on reframing your perspective. Remind yourself that you acted out of kindness, and that is something to be proud of. You did a good deed, and although it wasn’t repaid in money, it may bring you peace knowing that you helped him succeed.

Finally, it is also an opportunity to think about your own financial future. Could this be the time to focus on strengthening your own situation, looking for ways to work toward your own goals? Whether that’s exploring new savings strategies, or even talking to a financial advisor about how to buy your own home, the best investment right now could be in yourself.

I hope this helps, and I wish you clarity and peace as you navigate this difficult situation. Family and money situations can be very challenging.

Kind regards,

Vanessa Stojkov.