Dear Vanessa,
I think my marriage may be over, but I’m not ready for it yet. My wife and I have been married for 22 years, and while we have had our ups and downs, things have felt different lately. She is distant, always on her phone and spending more and more time outdoors. I wonder if she’s seeing someone else.
The thing is, I don’t want to bring it up. What if I’m wrong? I’m terrified that I’m unfairly accusing her and ruining what we have left. But even if she doesn’t cheat, I feel like we’ve grown apart. We don’t talk like we used to, and when we do, it’s mainly about daily logistics.
What makes it harder is her expenses. She loves shopping and has always been a bit of a spender, but it has become excessive. I’ve tried to broach the subject gently, but it always ends in an argument. I’m 55 and plan to retire in the next seven to eight years, but I’m afraid we won’t have enough saved if this continues.
I feel stuck. I love her, and I don’t want to give up on our marriage, but I’m afraid of what the future holds. What should I do?
Mike.
Dear Mike,
Let me first say how brave you are to acknowledge these feelings. It’s not easy to face the cracks in a long marriage, let alone express them. You are at a crossroads, and while it may feel overwhelming, this is also an opportunity to reassess your priorities and open communication with your wife.
Leading money educator Vanessa Stoykov (above)
Let’s tackle your concerns one by one.
The elephant in the room
Your suspicion about infidelity weighs heavily on you, and that’s understandable. But before you jump to conclusions, consider the possibility that your wife’s behavior stems from other problems: stress, dissatisfaction, or even boredom. Instead of confronting her with accusations, approach the conversation with curiosity and compassion. Choose a quiet moment and say something like, “I feel like we’ve been distant lately, and I miss the way we used to connect.” Is there anything we can do to get back on track?’ This invites honesty without creating defensive behavior.
The expenses
Financial stress is one of the biggest stresses in a marriage. While you have no control over your wife’s spending, you can approach the topic as a team. Sit down together and take a clear look at your finances. Use this moment to discuss your shared goals, such as your retirement timeline. Frame it as a partnership: “I want us to have a secure future together, and I’m afraid our current spending will make that more difficult.”
It may also be helpful to engage a third party, such as a financial advisor, to objectively guide the discussion. Many super funds offer advisory services, so check with yours to see what’s available. Or that’s also possible use my free service to find an advisor.
Rebuild the connection
Even if your woman isn’t ready to open up right away, small actions can help rebuild intimacy. Make time for each other – date nights, walks or even a cup of coffee. Show her that you are willing to invest in your relationship and see if she reciprocates.
Finally, if things don’t improve, counseling can be a game changer. Sometimes having a professional mediator allows both partners to speak freely and resolve deeper issues.
This phase of life is often a turning point for many couples. The decisions you make now will determine not only your relationship, but also your future happiness and financial security. Whether or not your wife is on the same page, taking these steps will give you clarity and confidence moving forward – whatever that looks like.
Remember that regardless of the outcome, you are not alone in this. Many people face similar problems and find a way out.
I wish you all the best,
Vanessa.