Dear Vanessa,
My husband completely shuts down when I try to talk about money. We run our own business and although I know he is under financial pressure, he won’t give me any details.
For years I took care of our children while he ran the company. Now I have no idea what our financial situation is or how concerned I should be.
He says he’s “handling it,” but I feel left out and ignored, like my voice doesn’t matter when it comes to our finances.
I don’t want to lose our house, but I don’t know how to get him to talk. How can I get through to him?
Cally.
Dear Cally,
I hear the frustration and worry in your words. Feeling left out of something as important as your family’s financial well-being can be isolating. It’s especially difficult when your instincts tell you there’s a problem, but the door to understanding seems firmly closed.
Leading money educator Vanessa Stoykov (above)
Your situation is not unusual. Many women in long-term relationships – especially those who have focused on raising children while their partner managed the finances – feel left out. It can cause you to question your place in your own household’s decisions and fear about the future. But you are not powerless.
Here’s how you can start changing the dynamics:
Confirm the lost connection
Let your husband know how his silence makes you feel, but avoid guilt. Focus on your feelings instead of his actions. For example, you might say, “When we don’t talk about money, I feel left out and insecure about our future. I want to support you, but to do that I need to know where we stand.’
Sometimes people shut down because they feel overwhelmed, ashamed, or afraid of judgment. By approaching the subject with empathy, you can encourage him to see you as an ally, not an adversary.
Frame it as a partnership
It sounds like your husband feels responsible for your family’s finances, which can be a heavy burden. Acknowledge his efforts, but remind him that you are a team.
Try saying, “I see how hard you work to take care of us, and I really appreciate it. But I want to be here with you; together we are stronger.’
Recognize your own role
It’s normal to feel hurt and frustrated by being left out, but it’s also worth thinking about whether there are ways you’re unconsciously taking a step back from financial conversations. For years you’ve focused on raising your children – a crucial role – but now it’s time to get into the financial side of your partnership.
There are several steps Cally can take to address the issue of her husband refusing to talk about their financial situation, says Vanessa Stoykov (above)
Practical steps to take
1. Stay informed: Start by reviewing household expenses, loans and business documents. Understanding the basics of your family’s financial situation will make it easier to have meaningful conversations.
2. Suggest a financial check-in together: Instead of focusing on “the problem,” propose a proactive approach, such as creating a budget or meeting with a financial advisor. If this feels less like a confrontation and more like teamwork, he might be more open to it.
3. Seek outside help: If he continues to resist, it may be time to reach out to a trusted third party, such as a financial advisor, accountant, or even a marriage counselor. Having someone neutral in the room can make difficult conversations easier. You can find a financial advisor through my free service here.
What happens if he still won’t talk?
If he continues to shut you out, it is essential to protect yourself and your family. Make sure you have access to important financial documents (bank statements, loan agreements and business documents) and seek independent advice. You have the right to know the state of your family’s finances and to feel safe in your home and in the future.
Having these conversations may feel uncomfortable, but they are essential. My book, The Five Money Conversations That Will Revolutionize Your Life, offers helpful tips for navigating difficult financial discussions. You can read more about it here.
By stepping into your power and demanding the respect and openness you deserve, you will not only protect your family’s financial health, but you will also strengthen your own sense of trust and autonomy.
Kind regards,
Vanessa.